On the shuttle bus from the airport to the hotel, just a few minutes after meeting Ashley for the first time, I had a little revelation. She was talking about her pregnancy (seriously adorable baby bump!), and I realized what I’m missing with these two new children of mine: Pregnancy.
Hearts and minds need time to prepare.
When I gave birth to Kathryn, I already loved her — but I’d had nine months to get used to the idea of her, to imagine her, to dream of her. My heart and mind and arms were prepared to welcome and love her. That’s not always the case with biological children; I’ve heard several moms talk about feeling guilty for not immediately swooning with love for their babies, but with a difficult pregnancy, a colicky baby, or any sort of post-partum depression, it can take a while for those feelings to develop.
I do not love my step and adopted children any less; it just began differently.
When Brandon became my stepson, I knew he already had a very involved mom, so my expectations were reasonable. In the beginning, I loved him because I loved his dad, but over the years I’ve come to love him because he is a really neat guy.
With Lindsey, I expected affection to take a little time since she was already 14 years old and she didn’t need hands-on mothering: baths, fingernails trimmed, cleaning food off faces… many of the things that seem to help with bonding. Sometimes it’s been hard, but we’ve made good progress.
Beware of expectations.
With these two, I expected to feel maternal affection right away because they were so young and needed so much hands-on mothering. I did love them from the beginning, but they joined our family in the midst of a very stressful time that has made my general functioning a bit more challenging, but what I needed just hadn’t “clicked” for me until Ashley and that belly of hers were in front of me.
Love takes time. And that’s okay.
I need time to experience my “pregnancy” of getting to know these children. At the turn of the new year, I didn’t know they existed. They’ve only lived with me two months now. At first, it felt like a never-ending babysitting job, but little by little, the motherly feelings are growing.
A sweet friend reminded me: Give yourself some grace.
So I am. And I’m working on giving my kids more grace, too. It’s not an easy thing, but our days are far better when I do this. Try it: give yourself (and your kids) a little bit of extra grace today, and see how your day goes.
Wife, mama, homeschooler, dog-wrangler. Introvert who finds joy in good books, sunshine, and authentic conversation. Fitness enthusiast and strength coach. Often seen with a steaming mug of tea in hand.
Jamie, I love the honesty in your adoption posts. It’s great to see the challenges and how you approach them and I love that you have a clear view regarding the whys and hows.
I needed this. I have felt such tremendous guilt for similar reasons. I haven’t come to grips with talking about it yet, but I can totally relate.
That one statement about how it initially felt like a babysitting job but you now feel the “motherly ” feelings kick in give a very clear picture of what you’ve been experiencing. And I think it is because we can relate that to almost every new undertaking that an individual or family takes on. Like…homeschooling…getting married, giving birth, starting a business. Its like you add something to the scales and then you have to wait til it stops moving so you can balance it out again. something like that anyways. I love your posts. I have never adopted but my… Read more »
What a wonderful post! Thank you for sharing so openly. You can’t imagine how much you’re helping some mother somewhere (and probably more than one.)
That’s great advice, Jamie, in adoption or not. Actually, a little more grace all around would make things a lot different for all of us.
Thank you for sharing your heart!
prayers and hugs
This is a lesson most moms could learn, actually. Extending grace to ourselves shouldn’t sound like such an alien concept! After all, who knows better than me just how much I need it?
Keeping your family in my prayers!!!
Amen 🙂 I’ve had 3 boys almost 7 months now, and love them all!! I’m almost through with our “pregnancy”, LOL. (Too bad one will turn 18 and leave at the 9 month mark, but perhaps the others will stay a while longer.)
Thank you for sharing your heart. I have done a little unofficial fostering and it’s tough when those motherly feelings rebel and hide. Bless you and those little ones during this transitional season!
oh sweet woman – your honesty is joy to God’s heart!
I’m working on giving my kids more grace, too. <~ yah, this right here!!
HUGS
Jamie,
I haven’t visited blogland for such a very long time and am so glad I popped over to yours today. Congratulations on becoming Mommy to two new precious ones! Such exciting and blessed news!
I love your honest words about the time it takes to bond. I know God will use your words to erase the guilty feeling from many a mommy’s heart.
Blessing to you and your beautiful family.
6 of 8 are adopted in our house and each addition has had a different “pregnancy” period. I started adopting 16 years ago as a single woman…gained a Indian husband, a full fledged international ministry, 2 birth children…10 years ago I named my daughter by birth GRACE because I began to then understand HIS GRACE and my great need for it in my life and those around me! It is my life preserver and anchor! The offering of grace does not come easy as the new bends and twists in the road of life appear….but I am trying to offer… Read more »
jamie! it’s been so long! i haven’t been reading blogs like before, and i didn’t have your feed updated in my reader ’til tonight, either. but, oh well. anyway, i’m excited to hear about your blessings and your process. praises. 🙂