I am an enthusiastic adoption advocate, but as I’ve said before, I never want to paint such a rosy picture that families enter into the process blindly. Today’s post focuses on some of the challenges within the adoption process, as well as what you can do even if you don’t feel called to adopt.

What was the biggest hurdle in the adoption process?

For us personally, the biggest hurdle in the adoption process was when a communication fail at our agency resulted in our paperwork being misplaced for months before we even knew about it. I was upset about this at the time, but once things got rolling again, everything went very quickly.

But I’m just one mom, so I’m sharing answers to this question from other adoptive parents, including those in domestic, international, and foster-adoptive families:

“For us the hardest part was the uncertainty; the process in Ukraine seems to change with the wind, and there was always some new regulation or rule or change in paperwork or risk of shutdown or delay.  It was difficult to learn to focus on the things we could control and to just let go of the things we couldn’t control.”

“We’ve adopted twice from our state’s foster care system.  Our daughter’s adoption was a dream, no birth family visits, she was free for adoption the second we brought her home, and the whole thing was wrapped up 6 months after.  Our son went 2x a week on visits with his birth family and we had to fight for his rights to be heard in court.  We didn’t feel like we had enough say in the court hearings.  But in the end, the truth came out and really, God gave us strength to stand up and be heard.”

“We could not get over how much “silly” info that was requested from us. For example, we have a septic tank that needed to be inspected; we had to have physicals, which included blood work, and we knew these were just the “hoops” to pass through but there are so many situations in a biological birth that there is no info needed. The paperwork is overwhelming.“

“Our hurdle was a bit different from most. Our 1st placement was removed from her previous foster home after they had already been given consent to adopt. Before they filed their petition to adopt some charges came about and she was removed from their home and their home was shut down as a foster home. They filed to adopt her anyway and we had a huge custody battle in court that lasted a year and a half. It was a long, tiring battle but after a year and a half we got the verdict that she was ours.”

“We did not really encounter any hurdles, the process was involved but not difficult.  I think the hardest part was waiting to get kids after we were certified.  I would go to our agency’s office once every other week to look at profiles of kids who were new to the system, that was always very sad for me – first, when I didn’t see any who felt like a good “fit” for our family and vice versa, and also to see how many new kids were in foster care each month, just in our area.”

“I was shocked and appalled at how centered the court was on [the birth mother's] needs at the expense of the girl’s needs. I wanted to minister to her but not at the detriment of the girls. There seemed to be no balance.“

“It feels like all the different departments don’t communicate with each.  Your lawyer doesn’t have the information that your caseworker has, and your caseworker doesn’t have the information that your adoption worker has.  This is why it’s very important to keep good records so that you are the one who has ALL of the information.  Remember that you are only one of a very large caseload, and no one will care as much as you do.”

“The path that we started down was not the path we ended up on, yet where we ended was exactly where God wanted us! Most likely your adoption will not end up exactly as you envision it… but it will end up exactly as God intends if you stay in step with His leading. Also, the system is generally in place for the children… it might irritate you, invade your privacy, take longer than you think it should, but just remember the paperwork/invasions of privacy/lengthy waits… are in place to make sure that the outcome is best for the child.”

What if God closes the door on adoption?

This is hard, and I surely don’t want to give a flippant answer.

Every adoption story I’ve ever heard has it’s share of bumps in the road, some bigger than others: social workers being ill; lost paperwork; sudden changes in laws of the country they were adopting from. Things that range from little inconveniences to disrupted adoptions. Most adoptive parents agree that not everyone is called to adopt — but if you have felt that calling, then God has probably not closed the door. Perhaps He is sending you in an unexpected direction.

Remember, God’s timing is seldom our own, and sometimes His picture of things is different than ours. But I can promise you that His plans are far better (but perhaps much harder!) than anything you could dream.

One mom said, “Perhaps the journey is not going to look exactly like you thought it was going to look, but just allow God to direct you and He will see you through. We thought we were going to adopt a baby girl from China, and ended up adopting a boy with special needs from the foster system. God didn’t close the door; He simply redirected us to His perfect plan for our family.”

Tomorrow, please come back as we wrap this series up.

New to this series? Here’s what you’ve missed:
1 – 10 Days of Adoption: Introduction
2 – Why is Adoption So Important?
3 – If We Want to Adopt, Where Do We Begin?
4 – Common Types of Adoption
5 – Greatest Misconceptions About Adoption
6 – Can We Afford to Adopt?
7 – Special Needs Adoption: Could I Handle It?
8 – One Big Happy Family: Bonding in Adoption

(Note: post may contain affiliate links. See disclosure page for details.)

I’ve heard it said that if we had to wait until we could afford to have children, we would never have them. A quick internet search will show you that the cost of raising a child has risen 40% in the last decade, and if you want to give yourself a bit of a scare, you can even use an online calculator to figure these costs. Most of us don’t go by that, though; instead, we jump into parenthood based on love, not money, and we figure out how to pay for it all when we get there.

With adoption, though, that tends not to be the case. Adoption can be quite expensive, and can even range upwards of $40,000. That’s not pocket change we’re talking about. So if we have the heart for adoption, but not the bank account for it, what do we do?

In our case, we opted to adopt from foster care. The costs to adopt from foster are are substantially less than domestic or international adoptions, and when a child is considered “special needs,” (more on that in a minute), the state often pays or reimburses ALL FEES. Because Lindsey was 14, a less-adoptable age statistically, she was considered special needs even though she has no mental or physical special needs. The laws differ from state to state in regards to what is deemed “special needs.” Here in Georgia, the laws have changed since we adopted Lindsey, and this designation is no longer based on age; instead, a special needs child in Georgia is now any child who has been in the system for at least two years (regardless of age) or is part of a sibling group  — or, of course, any child who has actual physical or mental special needs.

Even in non-special needs situations foster adoption fees are relatively low. Average costs range around $5,000 for a U.S. foster adoption. This is a far smaller fee than most other types of adoption. In some cases, families also continue to receive small monthly subsidies until the child turns 18, especially if the child has any ongoing medical needs.

A few good options to look into for funding adoptions of any kind:

State tax credits: At least a dozen states offer a tax credit of $1,000 or more. Check with your accountant or tax expert.

Federal Tax Credit: Currently (last time I checked), there is a $12,500 federal tax credit. If yours is a special needs adoption, then the entire credit applies regardless of the family’s actual expenses; if not special needs, only up to the actual amount of liability and expenses. Again, check with your tax expert — and be sure keep all adoption-related paperwork and receipts!!

You can apply for adoption aid or grants from great organizations like ShowHope (Shaohanna’s Hope), Lifesong for Orphans, and Gift of Adoption Fund. There are many other organizations like this out there, so check with adoptive families you may know to find others they may have used or heard about.

Surprisingly, some employers offer adoption benefits, from paid parental leave to cash reimbursements. It’s worth asking about!

Many churches, especially large ones, have funds set aside to help families with adoption, whether through a short-term loan, or matching grants. Check with them, too! If they don’t have a fund like this, they may know of larger churches in the area that do.

Fundraisers:

• Host a car wash, yard sale, or other fund-raising event.
• Send out support letters, like you might do with a mission trip.
• Online networking with a PayPal account to donate to. (You don’t even need a blog for this! Use the power of facebook, twitter, etc!)
• Sell t-shirts, like the ones from Simply Love!

This by no means an exhaustive list of things you could do to finance adoption. Please remember, if cost is the only thing holding you back from adoption, there are ways to fund it!

New to this series? Here’s what you missed:
1) 10 Days of Adoption: Introduction
2) Why is Adoption So Important?
3) If We Want to Adopt, Where Do We Begin?
4) Common Types of Adoption
5) Greatest Misconceptions About Adoption

(Note: post may contain affiliate links. See disclosure page for details.)

Since I’m just one mom in one family, I asked for input from other adoptive parents on what kinds of misconceptions they’ve faced from the general public, but also some misconceptions that we adoptive parents had before we adopted. The parents who contributed to this post vary greatly: we have input from those who have adopted infants to those who have adopted older children/teens; from parents who have adopted locally to parents who have adopted internationally; from parents who have both biological and adopted kids, to parents who have only adopted children. In other words, I tried to cover all the bases here.

Last year I wrote a post specifically about my own expectations and misconceptions: Confessions of an Adoptive Mom, where I shared much of what I’ve discovered in my own experience.

So, let’s address some common misconceptions vs. truths…

Misconception: All the children have problems.
(Or, “I couldn’t deal with the problems.”)

TRUTH: Parenting is a challenge, period. This is true whether you gave birth to the child or not. I will venture to say that nearly every parent will, at some point before their children reach adulthood, have moments where they feel like a parenting failure. Here’s a secret: there are NO perfect parents and there are NO perfect children. Giving birth to your kids does not guarantee a problem-free parenting life.

From one mom: “One of the greatest misconceptions people have, I think, is regarding older kids in the system.  I have heard over and over that, ‘I can’t adopt older children because I couldn’t handle all of their behavioral problems.‘ As I write this, I think that it isn’t a misconception that older children who have been in the system have behavioral problems, because they often do, but rather, that people think they can’t handle it… We have a daughter who has some pretty difficult issues, but we can and are handling it, because she’s ours. Biological parents love their kids who are born with special needs, or develop issues, and they do what they have to do to deal with it because they are their kids.” It’s the same for adoptive parents.

Another mom says, “You just take one day and one year at a time and find what works for you and your family. And pray, pray, pray!” This advice, my friends, applies to every child in your family, biological or adopted!

Misconception:  There are no babies available for adoption.

TRUTH: A foster adoptive mom of two says she felt that if she chose to adopt, she was giving up the possibility of having a baby. However, she ended up adopting two children, both under the one year old. Not everyone wants to adopt babies, of course, but there are babies out there needing homes.

Misconception: It’s too expensive.

TRUTH: The cost of adoption is a big concern for people, but there are ways to work around this, and some adoptions don’t cost a dime! (I’ll address this next week!)

Misconception: The child was not loved by his/her birth parents.

TRUTH: In reality, especially in infant adoptions or any adoption where the birth parents chose adoption, this is not true. Birth parents who choose adoption are sacrificing in order to give the child what they believe will be a better future, but it is never easy. Even in cases where a child is forcibly removed from the home (as in most foster adoptions), the child is usually loved, but the birth parents have issues they have not been able to overcome in order to parent well (such as drug addiction, mental illness, or many other possibilities).

Misconception: I won’t be able to love an adopted child like a birth child.

TRUTH: Every adoptive parent will tell you something different about exactly how this was for them. Expect a getting-to-know-you period, no matter what the age of the child. Also keep in mind that in families with several children, even if they are all biological, the love for each child may be different: not more or less, but different based on the personalities of the parents and the children. This is the case with adopted kids, too. (I’ll have a whole post later in the series on bonding with adopted children.)

Misconception: Adopted kids will be grateful for their “new family” and everything will be “rainbows and unicorns.”

TRUTH: We tend to underestimate the impact of the trauma and loss that kids have come through. Adopted kids, especially older ones, need time to feel safe and secure before they can begin to learn what unconditional love looks like.

One mom who adopted two teens from the Ukraine says, “People have actually walked up to my girls and said ‘Oh, aren’t you so happy and thankful to be in America now?’ and it totally invalidates [the kids'] history.”

I fell into this trap myself. I found myself shocked that Lindsey wasn’t more grateful to finally have a family and her own bedroom and all of the things we were providing. What I finally realized is that I wouldn’t be skipping around joyfully all the time either if I’d just been uprooted from EVERY thing I’d ever known: new home, new family, new city, new school. Not to mention overcoming many years’ worth of hurt.

Misconception: Love heals everything.

TRUTH: Regardless of if you adopt a baby or an older child, you will need a large support system to help raise that child. Several moms shared about disillusioned adoptive parents who thought that love would heal their child’s wounds. Love HELPS heal wounds, but sometimes professional help is needed to put that love into practice in moment-to-moment, practical ways. It is no reflection on your parenting to seek outside help to meet the needs of your child.

A few more misconceptions are answered with truth here on the AdoptUskids site: Common Myths About Adoption.

–> Have you experienced other misconceptions about adoption in your own experience? Share them in the comments!

New to this series? Here’s what you missed so far:
1 – 10 Days of Adoption: Introduction
2 – Why is Adoption So Important?
3 – If We Want to Adopt, Where Do We Begin?
4 – Common Types of Adoption

**Please come back next week, when I’ll be addressing more adoption-related topics!

(It’s gonna take me a long time to read all the fabulous posts from all those fabulous gals above, but I know it’ll be worth my while!)

(Note: post may contain affiliate links. See disclosure page for details.)

Adoption can take many different forms, but we’ll cover the basics today. I don’t have all the answers, of course, but I hope to give you a good overview so that you have enough information to pursue additional answers you may need.

– Kinship Adoption: When birth parents are unable to care for a child, for whatever reason, a relative may step forward to adopt; in these cases, the adoptive parents must still meet certain requirements to ensure the child will be well cared-for, but they are usually given preference over non-relatives. I know a few families who have done this, but it’s usually something that comes up somewhat unexpectedly, rather than the family making a decision to pursue adoption beforehand. Step-parent adoptions are also relatively common.

If you’re considering adoption, it will likely be one of the following types:

Domestic Adoption: This means adopting a child within your own country. Usually (at least here in the U.S.), the children are infants; sometimes the adoptive parents are even able to be present at the child’s birth and take the child home with them from the hospital. Laws and specifics vary from state to state.

Open adoptions are more common now than they used to be. Although the thought of an open adoption scares some people, it’s important to remember that once the adoption is finalized, the birth parents cannot change their minds and take the child back. The adoptive parents are now the legal parents of the child.

Open adoptions can be very open, including spending time with the birth parents fairly often; or they may be rather limited, simply sending photos and letters/emails every so often. I have several friends who have open adoptions, and they are blessed by the relationship with their child’s birth family.

Wait time varies greatly. Some adoptive parents wait years before adopting domestically, but for some it’s a whirlwind experience.

Costs vary depending on circumstances, and whether it is a private adoption (adoptions which do not use an adoption agency) or adoption through an agency, but usually range between $14,000 to $30,000 or more.

– International Adoption: These adoptions involve children who were born in a country other than that of the adoptive parents. These adoptions involve the normal state and federal laws that apply to all domestic adoptions, but are also subject to laws from the country of the child’s origin.

Laws and requirements vary greatly from country to country. For instance, because we have a divorce history, we cannot adopt from Uganda. Some countries are strict about the ages of the adoptive parents, some adopt to single parents and some do not, many have length-of-marriage requirements. In nearly every country, one or both parents must travel to the country of origin, usually at least two times. Some countries have rather long waiting periods. Do your research.

Children in international adoptions may be of any age, and may or may not have special needs. This also varies greatly from country to country.

Costs for international adoption vary, but most run between $18,000 to $40,000, including agency fees, legal fees, and travel expenses.

– Foster Adoption: More than 100,000 children in the U.S. are currently waiting to be adopted. In many foster adoptions, the family has already been fostering the child, and if reunification with birth parents does not happen, the foster family is given the option to adopt. If they do not choose to do so, a waiting adoptive family is sought. In these situations, the birth parents’ rights have already been terminated, which means the child is legally free for adoption and is placed with a family specifically interested in adopting the child. Parents who adopt through foster care (like us) do not need to be foster parents first.

Children adopted from foster care may be of any age, but most waiting children are between the ages of 8 to 15.

Fees for foster adoption vary up to about $9,000, but some foster adoptions cost the family nothing at all, due to reimbursements from the state.

New to this series? Here’s what you missed:
1) 10 Days of Adoption: Introduction
2) Why is Adoption So Important?
3) If We Want to Adopt, Where Do We Begin?

–> Please come back tomorrow, when I’ll tackle some of the greatest misconceptions about adoption!

(Note: post may contain affiliate links. See disclosure page for details.)