Blergh.
That, my friends, is eloquent talk for how frustrated I sometimes feel in this life as an adoptive mom. It’s exhausting, and I’m not talking about the usual parenting-is-tiring stuff, which all moms know can be plenty challenging, especially at certain stages of life.
Remember that movie “Groundhog Day,” where Bill Murray’s character repeats the same day over and over? Days with my kids often feel that way because it seems like we should’ve made more progress by now. It feels like nothing will ever change, and that makes me weary.
A feeling of isolation adds to the exhaustion when other people don’t “get it.”
Teachers and friends mean well but no one can understand a situation they don’t live and it’s unrealistic to expect them to. Ken gets it, of course, but it can be hard on a marriage to have kids’ behavior as the primary topic of conversation.
The kicker for me last week was a visit to a pediatrician who is clueless about adoption-related trauma. I went to discuss the possibility of trying a medication recommended by our therapist; I’m generally not in favor of that, but I wanted an intelligent pros-and-cons conversation in hopes of making an informed decision and knowing our options. Instead, he dismissed the whole thing and gave me cliche parenting advice like limit the use of electronics and offer incentives for good behavior. I tried hard not to roll my eyes, and on the inside I was thinking,
“Do you think I haven’t TRIED all that?!? Or that I’d even be ASKING about this if those things solved these problems?!?”
That conversation with the doctor made me feel straight-up CRAZY. Like maybe it’s not the early trauma and how that affects brain development. Maybe it’s not attachment disorder. Maybe prenatal drug use didn’t create any issues. Maybe it’s all me; maybe I’m just not cut out for this.
However, even on the crazy days when I leave the doctor’s office feeling like either crying or punching a wall, there’s Sane Jamie deep inside. The Jamie who reads and researches extensively, who has facilitated groups of adoptive parents, and who has some darn good life experience. That’s the Jamie with sound advice for the lost and frustrated adoptive parents — myself included.
Helpful tips for adoptive moms feeling frustrated, hopeless, or crazy:
1- Keep a journal.
Write down little details because you’re actually probably making progress it’s hard to see in the middle of things, and looking back over a year or so can help you find that progress.
2- Find a therapist with adoption/trauma experience.
We haven’t seen much change since our child started working with a therapist (somewhat recently), but I drive an hour to get to one with extensive experience with adoption issues and childhood trauma. Possibly the biggest benefit so far: she has helped me see it’s NOT just me.
3- Talk to a non-judgemental friend.
Preferably someone who has dealt with at least some similar issues. When possible, try to BE that friend to others, too.
4- Take care of your SELF.
Eat well, make time to exercise, schedule your own routine medical care (dentist, chiropractor, mammogram, etc.), and do things you enjoy (reading, creative hobbies, etc.).
5- Make date night a priority.
One day the kids will be grown, and it’d be a good idea to still like the person you spent all that time parenting with. Remember why you fell in love, and make sure conversations include hopes and dreams and laughs. If necessary, do date night at home after kids are in bed; there are ways to make it work.
6- Remember who YOU are outside of motherhood.
Before you became a parent, you were a whole person. Look for ways to get to know that woman again.
–> Above all, remind yourself of this: you are trying, day in and day out, and that counts for a lot.
*photos courtesy of unsplash.com
Wife, mama, homeschooler, dog-wrangler. Introvert who finds joy in good books, sunshine, and authentic conversation. Fitness enthusiast and certified coach. Often seen with a steaming mug of tea in hand.
I so get it. The isolation almost killed me, but I’m more open about it now and I am trying to actively seek the sanity of good friends!
That’s SO important! Thanks for taking time to comment, Markay. 🙂
And you are your kids’ best advocate. If that means you tell the pediatrician what-for, then you do it. “Professionals” can only speak on that which they have experience with. If the therapist made a recommendation, maybe it would serve better coming straight from the therapist in the form of a letter to the pediatrician. If all you wanted is intelligent dialogue on the pros and cons of a medication, the doctor SHOULD be willing to discuss this with you. If not, I would find another pediatrician. This just isn’t like raising the kids we grew in our wombs! They… Read more »
Oh yeah, definitely will be looking for another pediatrician!
And don’t forget….read blogs of moms in a similar place! Thank you…this is a post I will likely come back to on our rougher days. Hugs!
Yes, I’ve found much encouragement in blogland!
I’m 13 years in and every day is a struggle with our dd (16yo) that has severe emotional issues. It’s so hard to not feel like a failure as a mother when no matter how much I try, I can’t “fix” her. Thanks for sharing your struggle.
Thanks for taking time to comment. It is hard. (hugs)
Thank you, as always, for sharing!!
I greatly dislike doctors who don’t get it and make us feel crazy because they haven’t lived it and it’s different than normal.
You aren’t crazy – you are doing a very hard job very well.
I was never into trying meds until our adopted girls needed them – they help in so many ways and are helping us slowly heal. I’m hopeful they won’t need them forever, but they might – and for now, they are a huge blessing.
Thanks for comment, Corina! There are a lot of things different with parenting adopted kids so I’ve learned to be open to considering options I might not have considered before.
I just came across your blogs for Top Adoption Blogs in 2018…. Thank You for taking the time to share your stories!! My husband and I are a blended family, three kiddos (2 “his”, 1 “mine”), and are just starting the adoption process. In the short time of paperwork and prayer, it’s been a cluster of feelings and emotions…. is this the right thing, how will the kids adjust, what will other people think of our craziness…. just to name a few:) Thank You for sharing your own experiences. I have been looking for a blog with blended families and… Read more »
Thank you for visiting, Abbe! We are a special type of family, aren’t we? I hope you find some helpful posts here and feel free to email anytime.
Awesome advice! We moved on from a doctor like that.
Blessings, Dawn
It’s sad there are still so many like that!
I’m not an adoptive mom, but this advice is still good for an adoptive dad. About a month ago, I started jogging every day (which allows for alone time to listen to my audiobooks and podcasts AND role models healthy living for my son) and trying to cut back (can’t completely cut out) my soda intake. Just those two things have helped me feel better overall and more self-confident, thus making me a better dad! Thanks for your perspective!
Yes! Of course I have to speak from the perspective of a mom since I am one, but these things are vital for dads, too. Thanks for you comment!