Is there an introvert in your life who you just don’t “get”? Then on behalf of introverts everywhere, I’d like to thank you for making an effort to understand us better. We know we can be a little quirky.
First of all, let’s dispel a few common myths about introverts:
Being introverted does NOT mean being shy. It does NOT mean disliking people. What it does mean is that we refuel by spending time alone, and we also spend a great deal of time just thinking — which is wonderful for creativity and such, but can lead us far too much time worrying. {If you ever want to know a worst-case scenario, ask an introvert and they’ll probably be able to come up with a doozy!}
All of that means friendships with extraverts can prove challenging for us — but they can also be quite rewarding! My husband is an extravert, and he’s also my best friend. We both agree our personalities complement each other, but it’s taken a few years to learn what makes the other tick. I believe it’s the same with friendships.
Ten tips on how to be friends with an introvert:
1 – Coffee date vs dinner party
We like meaningful conversation but hate small talk. This means we’d much rather catch up one-on-one, than go out in a group. There are exceptions, of course — especially if we already know everyone else in the group.
2 – Parties are fun. Sometimes.
We like it when you to invite us to parties. If we do come, we’ll probably enjoy ourselves, but we’re going to need serious decompressing time afterwards. However, it’s also quite likely we’ll opt to stay home; please don’t be offended!
3 – How are you? No, really!
If we ask how you’re doing, we really want to know; we’re not just making conversation. Remember, we hate small talk so we don’t ask just for the sake of saying something.
4 – Voicemail rocks.
We probably won’t answer the phone when you call unless we’re expecting it. It doesn’t mean we don’t want to talk to you; we’re just not mentally prepared for a conversation and want to give you the attention you deserve when we do talk to you. {And pretty-please, leave a message that says more than “Call me.”}
5 – Drop-in visitors.
No matter how much we adore you, we might not like it if you drop by unannounced. It’s just because we like to plan ahead, to know what’s expected. Personally, I love entertaining — but only if I’ve had a chance to prepare. It’s for the same reasons as #4: if I’m not expecting you, my mind will be a thousand places at once, and that’s not fair to you as my friend.
If you have a genuine crisis, disregard numbers 4 and 5 above; we will drop everything to listen or help.
6 – Quiet? Ha!
People think introverts are quiet, but once you get us talking about something we care about deeply, we might not shut up. Consider yourself warned. 😉
7 – Conversations on repeat.
We will rehash every conversation we’ve ever had and beat ourselves up if we feel we may have said something foolish. Please let us know (nicely, if possible) if we’ve offended you so we can work it out before it festers.
8 – Give us time to think.
Whether it’s a dilemma you’d like input on, or something you’d like us to do, we need time to think. Most of us don’t do well coming up with things well on the fly, which is why we often write better than we talk.
9 – We can be silly.
Many of us have a silly side that few people ever see. Know that if you’ve seen this side of us, you must be very special indeed.
10 – Trust is to be treasured.
We rarely open up emotionally; we work hard to protect our inner selves. If we ever feel we can trust enough to be vulnerable with you, we will hold you to a high standard in regards to how you treat the private self we share with you.
Does that help, extravert friends?
Fellow introverts, what would you add?
Quick added note, since many have commented about it:
Both “extravert” and “extrovert” are correct spellings; I just used the less common, somewhat antiquated version. Because I’m quirky, remember? 😉
Perfect. Yes.
Wow, I never knew I was an introvert until you spelled it out here. It was like you wrote each of those points just about me. I have said that I am shy even though people don’t recognize that in me because of the discomfort I have when in a large group of people I don’t know. I always wondered how others are able to so easily share small talk when I have no desire to talk with my dental hygienist, hair dresser, masseuse, etc. Thanks for naming this for me. I am glad I stopped by from List it Tuesday.
I love this Jamie. I’ve read that many writers/bloggers are introverts. I blogging conference should be interesting! I’m an introvert and finishing up a post on surviving homeschooling as an introvert. Quiet time anyone?!
Oh, yes! Thank the good Lord for quiet time! I look forward to reading your post on homeschooling as an introvert; I’m learning a lot about that myself the past year. And SO looking forward to meeting you next month!
Thanks for visiting, Wendy! And even though some think we’re a little quirky, introverts are pretty awesome, too! 😉
Oh, my goodness, Jamie. If it wasn’t poor form and copyright infringement, I would re-post this word for word on my blog. You described me 100% perfectly. I had to explain #8 to someone just a week or so ago in a “please, please, let me think about this a little bit and email you my answer” kind of way. And, #4? Um, yeah.
Yes. This is so me. 🙂
I don’t think I have ever read anything in my life which has resonated with me like this. Thank you so much for posting. Sometimes it is useful to have someone show you a clear mirror image of yourself, and that is what you have just done to me. I had to read it to my husband who was shaking his head all the way through and said that you had put me into words I had been trying to find for years. Really, thank you for posting.
HaHa Thanks, Kris! Glad you enjoyed, and share away! 😉
So nice to hear that, Claire! I had my extravert husband read and approve before posting and he told me it sounded exactly like me.
Love it – every bit!
Oh yeah! I resemble this list. Just a bit. 🙂
I would add…
Don’t be scared of silence.
If there is a long pause between when you ask me to consider something, and my response, it’s not sinister; it’s thoughtful. If I love you, I want to give you my best response, not the first thing that comes into my head. If my extrovert travellers could see the pause as thoughtful care and not sinister silence, it would save some heartache.
Thanks for sharing Jamie. I agree with others that the list resonates with me too. Very much.
Oh, man, I totally agree with all of this. You worded all these points perfectly, too. Awesome. Thank you, Jamie!
Your comments are spot on. I read “The Introvert Advantage” a while back for insights regarding my son and found out so much about myself and why sometimes I would rather stay at home than go to a party;-) The book is a fount of wisdom!
Well, thank you very much for this lovely article. I feel so much better about myself. My DH is also a total extrovert like yours. He just doesn’t get introverts even though he married one. We do complement each other.
I will say I don’t like going to stores with him. He knows everyone in town and it takes him hours to shop for anything because everyone has to talk to him. Me? I’m a speed shopper. That’s another #IntrovertAdvantage. LOL
Wow. Thank you. Being an introvert, it is good to be reminded that doesn’t make me crazy – just different! haha. This encouraged me so much!
11. Now, this does not apply to all introverts, but it IS there. When we’re at the office, and we aren’t participating in the conversation, or even just look upset/uncomfortable/bothered, don’t take offense. It takes a lot of energy to be in an office setting without “closing the door” as it were to stay alone. Some days, we just don’t have enough energy to keep it up. Just give us space, and we’ll come back around in a day or two.
Um..#7 and #10….and….#4, but I prefer texting lol So actually pretty much ALL of them lol
Great post, and spelling “extravert” in the traditional way gives you so many bonus points that I feel like I’ve found a new best friend! 😉
I read “The Introvert Advantage” 10 years ago recommended by a friend and thank goodness I did! I am an extrovert (for the most part), but when I look back through life all of my best friends, including my husband, are hands down introverts. I think opposites do attract. In regards to the planning and not answering the phone until you are prepared, that all makes sense with what I have read and observed personally. Extroverts can respond more quickly, where introverts have to take time to think about it. Obviously there are pros and cons to both sides. Sometimes I am grateful for this when it comes to having conversations with new people at church and being able to converse easily. Other times I wish I would have taken time to think about what I was saying before I said it!
I’ll have to read that one. I looooved “Quiet” and highly recommend it!
Harriet,
It’s taken us a while to “get” each other but I give him major credit for making a big effort to understand the quirkiness that is me. 😉
I’m so glad you were encouraged! It’s nice to know we’re not alone! 🙂
I used to make fun of texting because it’s so impersonal, but once I finally gave in, I do like the fact I can think before I respond!
I love words, and adore people who adore them, so we are destined to be friends!
Wow, just blew my socks off!! I never classified myself in any way however, I feel like you just wrote about me!! I have never really looked into one vs the other! I have always been told I just have controlling issues along with social anxiety. Felt like I was the strange one!! But it all makes sense now!! I am not crazy for wanting my house clean and organized all the time! I have a reason to not enjoy pop up visits when I feel unprepared! Love this and thank you for posting!
Great article, Jamie! Whenever I’ve taken personality tests, I’ve come out close to the middle, but still more on the introverted side. I married someone even more introverted than me. I used to feel guilty about not answering the phone, so I would do it and then regret it. So, I’m learning that it really is okay to let the voicemail catch it, so that I’ll be ready to have a more meaningful conversation. I think the reason I hate chatting online (like when I’m on FB) is because it feels like people are invading my quiet little bubble of space and interrupting my thoughts. I’d much rather have people just send me messages so that I can respond when I am ready. Thus, it’s very helpful for us introverts to have the option of turning off the chat option!
What a great and timely piece. I have a daughter who is an introvert and sometimes people struggle to “get” her. After reading this I realize that I border on this too! Thank you so much
Like reading myself in every point! Thanks Jamie. You and spouse are very blessed to have each other!
Oh my goodness…I think I’m an introvert! Going to have to sit quietly and think this one over for a bit. 🙂
Yay! Thank you so much for writing this. It describes me perfectly and makes me feel not so crazy 🙂 I wish everyone knew we aren’t weird just different!
Jamie- this is SO right on!! My dearest extroverted friend just passed it on to me????. Thanks for helping people understand us and us understand ourselves. I love the one about our silly side. So true!
I loved it so much I shared it on fb- my first post in a Loooooonnnnggg time. And then I proceeded to freak out a lil bc I shared s’thing with all those people!! Thought you may appreciate that, but since you have a blog maybe you are over those freak out moments! Would love to know how you got past that….
Spot on!
I would add that, in group conversations, just because I don’t give my opinion doesn’t mean I don’t have one or that I am not thinking plenty. I just seldom share it.
Also, if I have to speak to people, I would far prefer to be up front speaking to a group where they have little to no interaction with me than to sit in a group of people talking. (When I’m in front of a large number of people, I can pretend I’m talking to myself instead of other people. LOL!)
Yeeeesss!!!! This is SO me.
I would add….
Don’t think I’m rude or boring on your first meeting of me just because I don’t talk much!!! See numbers 1, 4, 5 and 8 for reasons why!
I am definitely going to follow your blog. Great post about introverts and awesome blog in general.
I am SO the same way. I’ve spoken at events (and going to again next month) but once I thought I’d be speaking to a big group and when it was just a handful of people I nearly died. 😉
Yes, yes!
Thank you, Beth!
My good friend Pam over at everydaysnapshots.com shared this and I love it, because she and I have discussed many of these items often!
I love the list!
So nice to know I am not a lone in this crazy world.
And please don’t change plans or invite more people at the last minute, see # 5. Even though we may know and enjoy these people, we need time to digest changes and prepare to deal with more people
My s.o. is also an introvert and we recently had conversations about how we like to spend our time. I LOVE spending lots of quality time with him but I start to feel like I am becoming an introvert as well! What are some of the major things that you and your husband did to get to understand each other better and learn how to fulfill both of your needs as intro/extroverts? Thanks!
Please, no offense. I loved this and it confirmed a lot of what has taken me years to learn; however it is “extrovert” not extravert. Thanks!:)
Thanks for helping me understand myself. I’m a preacher, but I’ve always thought I was shy. Now, I know the real meaning of introvert and better understand how I am able to preach. I’ve had time to think and prepare. Once I’m done with a sermon I struggle to do the whole greeting the congregation afterwards. I’m ready to be alone again when it’s over.
wow! I have just had a whole new revelation about myself! I cant believe how my whole personality is summed up in these 10 points! amazing! I actually feel like I understand myself better now, maybe will help me get along better with my own personality! thanks for sharing!
Hope I knew that 25 years ago, when I was at school.
I am glad for you all!
And do NOT put me on speaker phone!
Oh goodness! You are so spot on! Thank you for sharing this.
This post is perfect, it’s me in a nutshell. Thank you. xx 🙂
Thank you. Explains so well my need to be on my own, to not answer the phone and my dislike of parties, even though I really do like people. I think it’s why I like fb – lets me control how much interaction I have at any time.
Not offended at all; both are correct, the one I used is just a more antiquated spelling. 🙂
Brittany, I’ll address that in a future post! But for starters, a whole lot of effort and conversation!
One thing I’d add to the party thing:
Extraverts, go ahead and plan party games like charades and those adult “get to know you” games you’re all so fond of, but respect that I won’t want to actively take part in it, and it’s not because I don’t like you. (although if you keep pushing it…)
Extravert social planners with kids whose every minute of the day is planned for them especially – know that your job is to bring the socializers together so they can enjoy themselves and socialize, but it’s NOT your job to dictate HOW we should do it nor how much of ourselves we should share in order to fit in and not get the “aw, come on!” game.
Yes, I liked Quiet too;-)
The is me to the “T”….I remember noticing the first time a new friend saw #9 The Silly Me…I even told her we must official be friends now…you saw the silly me 😉
Thank you!!! For years people have thought something was wrong with me probably still do. They take quietness for weakness but at times great strength. Next thing you know you’re someone’s therapist and counselor. We are accused of being over thinkers and yes that causes worry and fear. I’m learning and growing with God’s grace to relieve the fear and worry. Thank you for the visual of me in a nutshell. I need this saved to my FB page forever!!!!
I am so glad you posted this I’ve always known I was an introvert and what I always tell people that I’m just not a social person and never knew why and I always thought it was kind of strange to spend so much time by myself and other people think there is something wrong with me because I’d rather be at home than anywhere else now I understand me a little better thank you so much for this post it was enlightening!
Wow I need to show this to my extravert spouse. A point to add is don’t expect the same response to similar situations, the most minor of details effect our response. I for one am more vocal at work but at a party I’m just please can I run away to my quiet place now.
Maybe if my ex husband would have read this we might still be together. Oh well too late now.
Thank you for writing this, I new a little about introverts but now I know more. After i found out what a introvert was i knew it sounded like me but didnt look further into it, i dont really like labels or stereotypes on myself or others but these are pretty much spot on for me. I also don’t like when plans and such change at the last minute. And I think lots of introverts come off as rude or grumpy especially with new people
This is really good! I could relate to points 1, 4 & 5 the most. Nice to know others feel the same.
Amen.
As an extrovert this is very helpful. I find that I am energized by people and conversation and my introvert friends sometimes find me exhausting. Fortunately for me they tell me when they need me to back away. It took a little work but now I can read when I have overwhelmed someone and I to can sit quietly and wait for the answers I need. Thanks for sharing this info for others
Number 5.. My home seems to be a hotel, there are always people here. I have no place to escape. I’m surrounded by narcissistic people. I think I might post these somewhere.
This is absolutely perfect!
yes! This is soo true!
Re: #3 If you ask an introvert How he or she is, expect to receive an honest response, not the standard, ‘Fine’. Introverts tend to be brutally honest as well, especially when asked for an opinion and we are also somewhat self-deprecating because we are hardest on ourselves.
I can identify with all of these points. I never considered my self an introvert but I really am. It makes working as a nurse in the emergency room very interesting 🙂
Is it “extravert” or “extrovert”? In most articles, it is “extrovert.” (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/extrovert)
From what I’ve read, both are correct but the spelling with an “a” is bit old-fashioned.
As a card carrying introvert, this article is 150% accurate and spot-on. Thanks for writing it.
Wow! I didn’t know there were others like me. Thanks for sharing.
I loved this! Would only add: “People Watching” love to watch how people interact and enjoy (or don’t enjoy) a situation.
And is it just me or do you other introverts do a lot or “talking” to the wall?? 🙂
I have been reading this article over and over in the last week and I find it very accurate. It describes so many of my own characteristics and everything is so well put into words.
Would you mind if I translated it into my language (Romanian) and posting it on my blog? With proper links to your blog of course. I think it can really help my friends understand me better.
Thank you. 🙂
Wow, I really never considered myself an introvert, this was totally enlightening
A lot of how I feel and react to situations really summed up here. Thanks-for sharing
Elaine
Amazing…. A lot of what you have written to describe an introvert is me… other things, maybe not. But I do like spending time alone to think and reflect. Interestingly enough I attended grad school online and did very well. It was a very comfortable learning environment for me
Wow! This is my husband to a T! I’m a true extrovert and he’s a true introvert and we’ve had a hard time ‘getting’ each other. You’d think after 25 years of marriage we would have figured it out but that’s not so. I still have a hard time understanding why he can’t just open up and tell me or someone else something. God gave me the gift of gab so it’s hard to realize everyone is not the same way. Thanks for sharing this!
I agree with everything, except the one about voicemail. I absolutely hate it! I would prefer for someone to text or email me than to leave a voicemail.
I am a bona fide introvert. Definitely not shy. My step-mom is an extremely shy extravert. My goodness. I have perplexed her for years – her thinking I am shy then I am suddenly not. Recently, she was telling me how perplexed she is by me and I said, “I am not shy.” And that was a light bulb moment for her. Haha!
Anyway, I can’t stand voice mail. I far prefer text messaging. With voice mail, to me, it’s a waste of time. Either they say “call me.” (Well, duh, I can see I missed your call.) or else they leave a huge long message, then repeat every word when I call them back despite the fact that I tell them repeatedly “I heard your message.” I thought it all through then called you back with a response. I don’t need to hear it all again. Voice mail seriously irritates me.
#6 – Quiet – Ha!
Haha! No kidding! I constantly shock myself when I find a topic I am passionate about. Because I find someone who will listen in the most random places or unexpected time, and my goodness – I feel sorry for them to hear me blah blah blah. But I check in with them and they are always fine with it. Some even come back for more and call me an inspiration!
I guess this topic must be one I am passionate about – because here I am, blah blah blahing about it. Haha!
Thank you for this excellent post.
That’s me
I am an introvert as well and when I am with a group of people I find myself thinking over something that I fail to get an opportunity to say it before they go to a new topic. Many years ago when with a group of friends who were discussing something I finally got to say what I was thinking. Everyone stopped talking and a young member of the group said, “Nancy doesn’t always talk alot but when she does it is something very wise.” LOL, what an encouragement that was, and as you can see, I have always remembered that moment.
Sooooo…… maybe I am not that wierd and socially inept??? Awesome!
Yes indeed.
One thing you missed, though maybe it’s just me, but I am often considered ‘a flake’ of ‘Flaky’ because an invitation on Monday to a party of event on Friday sounds good… on Monday. By Friday, I want to cocoon after a long week at work.
I know this about myself, but I always think ‘THIS time I’ll really go!’.
Ah well.
Maybe next time! 😀
Harriet, are we related? Long lost sisters married to long lost brothers??? My husband knows every. one. in. town. I want to stay in the car and read. 😀
I LOVE being an introvert.
Thanks for your insights.
btw, it’s “extrovert” not “extravert.” 🙂
READ MY MIND! I loathe speakerphone and when I find out I’m being announced on one, the conversation ends. Period.
GREAT post. I answered yes to all of the points. Thank you!
Nope.
THANK YOU! I thought something was wrong with me. I always knew I was an introvert but thought it meant I just thought too much inwards. I rarely call my friends or family on the phone and when they ask where I’ve been and why I never call, I don’t even know the answer myself. Feeling not so much ALONE tonight after reading your article and all the responses!!
This is the first year I have come to the realization that I am an introvert and I am over half way through life! I have led ministries, I have been in large groups public speaking, but when it was time to think to be alone, I needed to get away, turn down the lights and turn the music low and think. It wasn’t until the last time something similar was posted that I realized that this is me.
I am not weird, I knew I never fit into a box but couldn’t figure out why. As I read through these and then watched a video, I knew this was me. I can only be silly when I trust the people I am around. I was asked the other day, how did you run ministries and be an introvert. Easy, that is one side of me, then I run and hide when it’s over. Emails work better than the phone too. I never call anyone for fear of interrupting them. I try hard not to repeat stories, but whoops when it happens.
You TOTALLY nailed it! Thank you so much! I’m sharing this in the hopes that all my extrovert friends read it and take notes.
This.
Perfect!!! You said, in this short blog, things I have yet to be able to explain, after 63 years of life!!! Thank you!!!!!!!!!
Thank you it is almost is if you know me
Yes, yes, YES!!! You described me perfectly! It took me a long time to figure out why I would spend hours analyzing why I thought and felt the way I did. :0) And #7. . . oh my goodness! is that ever SO true! I’ll add a tad to #4 — texting or email preferred unless immediate family. :0)
I have a couple sisters who talk incessantly, and, honestly, it drives me up the wall at times. I’ve been known to beg Mom for some away time so I could regather my sanity. :0) Like you said, meaningful conversation is appreciated, but chatter is overwhelming.
Thanks so much for shedding light on the subject! I might get some use out of your post. . . :0)
You are spot on!
According to these points I am an introvert, yet I am a very loud and interactive person at times. I have undergone several personality tests through work, and I often come out as an extrovert, despite finding people exhausting. I also have ADHD, and have often wondered if my disorder causes behavioural characteristics that seem extroverted, when, really, I like my music, my books, my scrapbooking, and my family time. Anything else is effort.
This is sooo me. I cannot even tell you. I work at a call center which is not a good job for me. There are days when it is just one call after another, and we are supposed to think on our feet to some extent- make conversation, customize our selling points- it is really overwhelming to me at times. Decompress is a great word because with all the interaction, I’ve actually felt like I was being compressed into a pressure cooker or something. Then I have a security guard friend who comes and sits with me and follows me around on my breaks, talking my ear off. I like her a lot but I don’t get that time to decompress, and it is really frustrating. Any ideas of how I can ask her to give me that time? I’m really sensitive to hurting people’s feelings, too, so I honestly don’t know how to say it!
Also do NOT, without warning, shove the phone at my face and demand that I “say hello” to someone! (Yes, even if I know the person on the other end.)
this was absolutely fantastic. everything you wrote was so spot on, and so beautifully said. 🙂
Also, if you are a truly special person that has gained our trust, and then you break that trust, it makes it so, so, so very difficult to trust you again. And others.
I would like to ad one last point: Please do not try to change us! If you do, you will only push us away.
Hate that. Truly.
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who abhors speaker phones!! If I’m on the phone I want privacy… on both ends of the phone!
YES!!! I never thought about it being my introvert side at work but I do this all the time. I’m super excited about a gathering during the planing and then my husband has to “MAKE” me go to it because he knows I’ll enjoy it once I get there. (he never forces me but guilt works just as well, lol)
As awkward as this is in replying to you post, and since it appears that I’m just about the only male to reply, I would like to ask…how long have you known me?…LOL. It’s amazing to discover your blog (quite by accident), only to learn that there are many more people out there in the world who are just like me, and I do men just like me. I honestly do not know if I should be relieved or alarmed…lol
You have expertly put into words a short post, that I’ve probably started and failed to explain dozens, if not hundreds of times with people who just didn’t get it either. Your insightfulness is uncanny, and precise. I would like to repost this as well in its entirety, since you have expertly and deftly, explained me. And you’ve done so with the skill of a brain surgeon. So much so, in fact, that I am going to print out a small stack of this post in case another need arises to ‘explain’ my feelings.
Chuck B.
Moonlight_tonite@desert-express.com
I am sitting here in shock at how accurate this is of me. Of course, I shared it!!!! 1000% YES to EVERYTHING you just described. It was like you were talking about me and only me. WoW!!!! It’s not just me!!! Thank you!!!
Absolutely perfect.
I’m not an introvert (neither am I an extrovert, but that’s besides the point). A friend of mine always says she’s an introvert, though I never saw anything wrong with her. I made the mistake of freaking out when she called me her BFF. I never had a best friend, and any that came close ended up disappointing me or just plain forgetting about me. So I was like “whoa there…” And I guess she backed away. I miss her. I mean, I still felt (mostly, at that time, because a lot was going on in my life, and my emotions were everywhere) like I needed space, and the walls were closing in on me. But, even though I moved away, and we didn’t end our friendship, I feel guilty and sad for my immediate response. Basically, in trying to save myself an emotional upheaval, I caused hurt feelings instead. I’d have to imagine my little story would be a ‘how not to..’
This is me, too. 🙂
I find that when I am faced with attending a social gathering, even among friends, I can down-right dread it! And yet, I always enjoy myself once I’m there. (My husband encourages me with this truth every time!)
I am mostly house-bound due to disability from MS, so I am alone and at home most weekdays while the husband works and kids are at school. Many friends wonder how I can stand it, and I’m sure it would drive them crazy. But, I CAN stand it, for the most part. Of course I’d rather not be disabled, but as it is, I am content. To loosely quote Charlotte Lucas from Jane Austen’s Pride & Prejudice, “I find I can endure the solitude quite cheerfully.” (BTW, my dear husband is NOT a Mr. Collins!) 😉
Thanks for the article. I’ve just recently realized that although I’m social so much in my life, I do gain my energy from alone time. I’ve always been “slow to warm” and internally felt socially awkward in many situations, although outwardly no one seems to fully notice it. I reposted on my Facebook page your article and found that a lot of my friends (acquaintances really) with Women in the Outdoors organizations I’m apart of, also found solace in your article. I think maybe this is why many of us gravitate toward the outdoors and spending time in nature, either hunting or fishing or kayaking or camping…it seems that the quiet environment outdoors really provides the respite we need for the socialization that is required in most of our career/mom lives. I would add that I don’t ever really feel anxious and don’t worry too much at all about my encounters with people. That was the only comment that I didn’t relate to on your list. Perhaps the time outdoors gives me something to “think” about and focus on beyond my current worries–which is why I am able to let those things go. In the grand scheme of things understanding that nature has a way of working things out for good seems to provide for me, at least, a “go with the flow” mentality that perhaps helps with the worrying. Thanks again for the article.
I tend to keep my head down and just get things done when I have to go into town. Even coming face to face with someone I know is painful at times or I just won’t recognise them because I am not expecting them. I hate this about me. So many people think I am just stuck up, but I am far from that.
spot on. the only thing I would add is Hermit Mode, sometimes something shocks us or draws us into hermit mode for a week or so. sometimes we get lost in our hermit musings if we are there for a fortnight we might need you to Gently draw us back out.
Please don’t ask me to be the one to ask someone for directions or questions in public.
Introverts are not unsociable or stuck up.
The prospect of giving an oral report or speaking in public makes my stomach hurt but if I have time to study and prepare and really get to know the subject, I have no problems at the podium…except I may talk a little too fast!
And yes, I thought about this for ten minutes before I decided to post something…and by the way I am also an author!
I can soooooo relate to these! Thank you for sharing!
Thanks for the article. You couldn’t have described my husband better if you’d known him all your life. Every single point was him, all the way. I never understood him (probably still don’t), but I think I’m better able to understand what is going on, thanks to this article. I do have a question, though. I have a problem with him not wanting to go to my family events, such as my sister’s wedding coming up in a few weeks. It is twenty hours away, so not an option for him to not go. How is the best way to help him handle the anxiety that he’s experiencing (already!), or what is a creative solution?
This is a fantastic summary. I wish children were educated in these innate differences in people. I think it would make school a less nightmarish place for introvert children. If it isn’t bad enough that they are trapped in hyper-social crowds all day, many, if not most, are made fun of daily. Even if they are taught or learn quickly to handle it well outwardly it does cause internal damage. Tragically, some of them even suddenly explode in violent rage and even the parents have no idea what happened.
That is a good #11!! It drives me nuts at work when people say “What’s wrong?” or “Smile, you’re so much prettier when you smile” “Don’t you feel good?” Even though I answer the same every. single. time. “I’m fine” “I’m just concentrating on what I’m doing” “Nothing’s wrong I’m just thinking” etc…You’d think after years of those questions people would just LET IT GO! LOL!!!
One day I even had a woman say to me “What’s that look for?” I stopped what I was doing, dumbfounded and quickly (which I am not usually very good at, quickly I mean 😉 said, “What look? I didn’t give you any look. I was born this way!”
My (ex) husband used to get angry with me when I wanted to be left alone. He always thought I was “up to” something. I just couldn’t get him to understand that I just needed alone time. We lived together, ran two businesses together and were literally together 24/7. I use to ask him, “Don’t you ever get sick of being with me all the time?” Oh my, I didn’t know at the time that I was an introvert but since have found that it’s OK!
That could be a whole post in itself! The short version would be to help him prepare as much as possible, like giving him the rundown on who will be there, etc. and make sure to build in some time for him to get away by himself; that’s always hard on an out of town trip when everyone seems to constantly be in close proximity!
Oh yeah, I can totally get my hermit mode on, especially after a super-busy week! But since it’s kind of impossible with a house full of kids, I usually just get grumpy unless I find mini ways to deal! 😉
Amen, Amen, Amen! Someone finally gets it. I’ve been a labeled shy, weird, rude, sneaky and I’m like WTF! Sneaky?! I mean, really.
I like people but prefer to “people watch”. I don’t like elbow-to-elbow crowds or parties, but will go to a fair or something similar in an outdoor setting, maybe a theatre, etc. I do not like voicemail which is why I prefer caller id so that I can choose to talk when I want to. Because of my type of work , I am on the phone all day and when I get home I do not want to talk for a while. I really need to unwind.
I love being around family but outsiders not so much. For entertainment I have my movies, books, puzzles, crochet, the outdoors, etc. I love my life!!!!! and don’t apologize for it
Yes #8!! I constantly have to ask people, during a serious conversation, to just give me time to think about what I’m going to say before I say it and not get offended if I don’t answer their questions right away. I was with this guy who completely did not understand that and got very angry every time.
I am an introvert. I kind of like parties but also hate it. I only wait to be talk to and stays at on corner pretending to be busy with something or with my kid when she’s with me. Yes I don’t like answering the phone, I’d rather email than talk on the phone. I really like it when someone starts to talk to me. Problem is when I answer I could use a megaphone for them to hear(I always thought I speak loud enough until they will ask me over and over again what I just said). When I start to engage in a conversation, my words shoots like a machine gun and ended up saying something that isn’t supposed to be said. When I get home I always think about it and had quite a regret …. Only if extrovert understand how to we introverts are, it would be awesome.
Thank you!!!!! I’ve tried explaining to people SO many times that I don’t respond well to 1) being asked probing questions on the spot and expecting to have an answer for them while they wait 2) sudden changes in direction in conversations or methods (I always tell people I don’t downshift well…) 3) expecting me to be at and enjoy every social function you plan.
This is me to the tee and I’m glad to find a few people at least that don’t see me as needing to be fixed!!!
Exactly!
First time at your blog – love this article! So me! 🙂 Thanks!
thank you for showing me who I am.
Thank Gawwwd! I thought something was wrong with me for beating myself up because I thought I said something stupid. Good to know I am not alone.
Thank you for putting into words……me! The older I get, I think the more introverted I am………really don’t like large groups of people………parties (PLEASE, you extroverts, stop planning parties all the time……..and then looking at me funny when I don’t seem excited about coming!)…….I’ve enjoyed the comments, too, and like that there are so many others like me that are comfortable with solitude.
Insightful and spot-on. I have a few extroverted relatives who have no idea this exists, yet I have always felt like I’m juggling to deal with them. I did not realize that the need to think through everything and over-analyze conversations was part of being an introvert. I would add that I absolutely cannot stand an unexpected Facetime phone call!
Wow…I’m a Sagittarius and really outgoing…why am I always drawn to these types of people. Is it because I want everyone to “look” like they’re having fun…I seem to try to “get everyone to loosen up”. lol…now I understand. Thank you for this blog! 🙂
Questions for you introverts – what about church for the introvert is specifically harder than it needs to be – what would you change to make it more introvert friendly? Sometimes we mistake extroverted outgoing ness as spiritual maturity and I don’t think that’s true – ideas?
Oooo… good question. I’ll have to think about this one before answering!
Unless it’s all people you know. My parents put me on speakerphone and I’m okay with it.
First of all, I love this piece. Secondly, I would like to attempt to address Donny’s question from a personal perspective. I have found that smaller based churches that are less formal are easier for me to be involved in. The best experiences I have had were in people’s or houses or a classroom of a church with everyone sprawled out with coffee and discussing things and asking questions as they came to you.
My boyfriend is very introverted in comparison to myself who is in the middle and he’s shared lots of literature in regards to this with me. It makes me feel special knowing that I matter enough to be told the things I am and know the things I know. I don’t think extroverts are bad people. just misunderstood. Wonderful piece of literature and very insightful on how to deal with them. They can be the most awesome friends out there; I’ve never met anyone that isn’t family that cares more than he does. Take the time to get to know people it’s worth it.
Amen!!!
I was thinking that same thing! I like the idea of parties, but totally have to prepare for them. If I’m overwhelmed I try to duck out early!
Donny, i really appreciate that you asked this. You have no idea the hurt i have been caused at church because a person didn’t bother to actually get to know me at all or simply ask me a direct question to let me explain myself but, instead, just assumed the worst about something i said or did or even didn’t do. I would say that, at the very least, a congregation should be taught once in a while about the evils of gossip and “false witness” and that love assumes the best and seeks the truth.
hey! you just described pretty much every human being, see how much people can relate?. A real introvert does not call himself an introvert (he/she doesn’t enjoy it) until now that it seems to be in fashion. Everyone is just a little bit of each from time to time, please don’t limit yourself or anyone to tags. Very entertaining and light writing though. thanks!
Wow, this is so incredibly spot on! Thanks for helping this introvert understand her own seemingly unsocial behaviour! xo
Sorry, santiago, but i have to call you on this. That’s not even close to accurate. I know many people who are nothing like this description. Two of them are in my own immediate family and have had to make effort to “get” me and i, them. As for the idea of introversion being “in fashion”…wha?? There is nothing wrong with naming a definable set of characteristics when it can be a huge help to people in understanding one another. “Very entertaining and light writing though.”
Hi! I agree it is a huge help, specially when raising kids I guess. I don’t consider myself a pure introvert but I know some people on extravert mode who manage to get on my nerves with their constant demand for attention and social interaction followed by critique for not understanding how you can be so “wierd” and “antisocial”. Got it. Introverts exist. You are one of them. Ok. Introverts do not call them selves introverts, because we still come from that time where it wasn’t considered cool and creative. Take another look around it is in fashion now, so some people are faking it. Not pointing fingers. I’m not trying to be rude. “Very entertaining and light writing” is a compliment for the blogger, since it’s hard to not deviate into details and heavy writing. So I guess thanks for the compliment?
Nailed it! This is so my husband,we are opposites on that retrospect. The only group he likes to hang out with are the same group of guys he’s known since high school ( a few of them are introvert as well) The topic I love the most is choosing not to go to a party or social event. If my husband had the choice he would stay home hands down. He really seems to wow me with his personality when I hear some Skype while playing online games, he’s a riot to listen too! Thanks for posting
I love this list. If I could add anything, it would be, please, don’t put me at the top of your list for babysitting. I’m great with my own kids, and I have fun with kids, even like to interact with them, in social settings, but I do NOT like being responsible for them, in or out of my home, especially in multiples. It completely overwhelms me, and depletes my energy fast. Am I the only one?
Thanks for Posting this! I tend to be a talker, and I have a close work friend who tends to be more introverted. From her, I’ve learned to talk less and enjoy the silences between us while she thinks. I’ve embraced silences, know that they’re positve (#8). She’s also shown me her silly side recently, which I’d never seen before. Your article helps me understand her (and other introverts I know) better and to recognize their unique attributes.
Wow… thoroughly accurate!
I almost punched my dentist when he was cleaning my teeth and trying to make small talk with me once… >_>
Like your post. For me email has been a God send. I like it because it gives me time to think about what I’m saying. Then I can also go back and read it to make sure I’m saying what I think I’m saying before I send it. Also I like it because when I send emails it’s less intrusive then a phone call. People can read and respond when they want to and/or have time to. I don’t like to bother people with phone calls.
I know! My husband did that to me the other day and I was so shocked!
Wow! I think I understand myself much better now!!!! I also recently noticed that I talk nonstop with some people even when I am actually feeling desperate to be quiet. I realized it’s because I don’t think quiet is an option and I don’t want to lose control of the direction the conversation’s going…..to something more mentally draining for me or something I don’t know much about or just a bunch of small talk.
If there is a long pause between when someone asks me to consider something, and my response, I usually just say “this is the sound of me thinking”. They usually laugh and get the point. Thanks for the post, this is right on!
You had me at Numbers 1 and 2! And 4. And 7. OMG, 7!!! Thank you. I’ll be sharing this with my followers. 🙂
Me too!
Yeah- this pretty much spells out everything about me. I’m so glad I’m not alone – especially after reading all the comments & seeing there are even more things that others have issues with that I do as well. As I get ready to take off to my first blog conference my anxiety is overwhelming. I know that once I find those I know I will be okay- but at the same time I will tend to stick with them & not venture out & meet those I should. It may take me the whole 10 hour drive back home to decompress from 3 days of social overload. 🙂
Oh my gosh! I wish I can share this with every single person I come in contact with! It would solve so many issues. I always feel like others think I’m being rude, but I’m not! I want to get to know them, but in my own timing! Thank you for this!
I thought I was the only one who waited to listen to a message when someone phones. It drives my husband crazy!
Yeah, I can definitely relate to those feelings of introversion. I’ve written a similar blog post on how to flirt with an introvert: http://danaemarie.blogspot.com/2013/07/how-to-flirt-with-introvert.html
Oh. My. Gosh! Thank you for putting this into words! I am TOTALLY an Introvert! My boyfriend of 11 years is very much the opposite & does not understand me. If we argue, he will ask me a question & gets mad when I can quickly come up with a response. I will type an email or write a letter because it is easier to collection my thoughts & write what I Really want to say without making things worse. I am a journal keeper, which helps me keep all my thoughts (worries) from driving me insane! When I haven’t had time to write things down I am a mental wreck!
People have told me after knowing me for a while that when they first met me they thought I was mean or stuck up because of the way I looked & I didn’t speak much.
I need to show this to my boyfriend & will definitely be sharing this!
Thanks again for sharing!!!
Physical contact. I consider myself a hugger, but there are very few people that I will hug willingly. Those that I do are very dear to my heart
Very nice! Another tip is not to point out how quiet I am when I am in a social setting. I know that I am quiet. Please do not point it out and make me the center of attention.
I am introvert and was an ER nurse. I was very challenging as after every shift and a good part of my days off I just wanted to be alone and not talk to anyone. Some people called me the grumpy nurse because I’m not like my smiley, bubbly extroverted coworkers.
Thank you for your list. I am an extravert who did not understand intraverts. To me they seemed unfriendly. I thought some women didn’t like me, when they were quiet and did not readily respond in conversation. Now that I am learning more about them I see I was very wrong. I’m still learning about my counterparts. I am reading “Quiet.”
There are women within and outside of my family who I admire. I would like to be closer to them and lists like this are very helpful.
Yes!! I hate being put on the spot. Also, I’m horrible about checking my voicemail, it gives me nearly as much anxiety as calling someone (eekk). If you send me a message saying “I’m going to call you about Kevin’s party.” Ill probably answer.
I would like to add: please be patient when you ask any question that’s brings up emotions for me. I did hear you but have to get myself together before I could answer you
I’m currently reading “The Introvert Advantage” and it is putting my life in perspective. Like many introverts I thought something was wrong with me. I even had myself and my daughter going to psychologists to try to fix what was wrong. I’m so disappointed in both of them for not picking up on the fact that we’re just introverts. Perfectly normal introverts!!!
Introversion – Extroversion is a continuum. Few fit at either extreme. Compared to my daughter, I am an extrovert and compared to my husband I am an extreme introvert. I think respect for our own limits and needs is what we ask from friends and loved ones. I hate it when my husband is talking with someone on the phone and says, “She’s here right now and I know she’d love to talk with you about that…”
Like it’s been mentioned from others, it totally felt like you were writing about me!! Thank you so much! I think it’s so good to understand someone who doesn’t function the same way as you do… I would LOVE to read your thoughts on understanding extraverts…hint hint 🙂 Sometimes I just don’t “get” them!
I don’t think I am an introvert totally. I just can’t like everyone & everyone can’t like me. I do like being alone because the first 48 yrs of my life, I never was. I was from a family of 10. Grew up with nieces & nephews,cousins always around. Had 2 bad marriages. The first because he was an alcoholic & I didn’t drink. He was abusive so I started staying away from people as much as possible to hide the evidence. The second was to a man who had been deserted by his Mom and grew up in abusive homes with 7 different step-moms. He was not able to stand me out of his sight so he drove a truck and I had to go. I finally had to get away from him because he was more abusive than the first hubby. When I did escape, I literally had to be driven to airport,led completely onto a plane because I couldn’t see where he had beat my face. Once I recovered from that, I said never again but we all know how that goes. I fell for a “nice normal” guy. He never raised his voice at all. He just told me what a drag I was and a downer because I didn’t like to party. I hung onto to him for 5 years because I thought I didn’t deserve better and he didn’t hit me. The verbal abuse was worse than the physical abuse. I kept hanging on and he dumped me for a younger woman. I then became everything all 3 thought I should be. I drank & partied and hated it. But I did meet the man I have been married to for 17 yrs. I won’t bore ya with anymore details except to say we went through some of all of the above. Then we separated. I became a hermit. I hid in my apt, would not answer the phone or the door. I finally moved to a secluded place to get away from neighbors and people in general. I slept,read & watched tv for 2 yrs & cleaned houses for a living. He got a promotion out of town & let me know & I decided to give it one more try. It was the best move we ever made but after a yr, I became sick & had 6 bypasses & almost died. Since the surgery I became more of a hermit,shut in, whatever you want to call it. I don’t want company & I don’t have it. I don’t know anyone where I live and I don’t want to. My husband goes and visits his best friend once every couple of months for a weekend and he hunts but other than that, he stays at home also. He does most of the shopping and whatever is needed done. I don’t like to be told I need to get out and I am just depressed. If I hear it often enough I will shut down with who says it. Please give me your opinion of what my issues are. Maybe I need help. I am on lots of heart meds and some anxiety meds because when I do have to leave the house some-times, I have had a come apart. I just get weak,clammy,shaky & quieter. I got a pet because that’s what everyone says a shut in should do but she doesn’t like me. She sleeps all day just like me. lol I didn’t mean to tell my life story and it’s nothing like everyone else is saying but I ran across what you wrote and something spoke to me. Anyway, maybe you have some input and I promise, I don’t care how you spell the word or which one you use! I’ve never been on a blog or anything like this that someone didn’t have to try & start something too. Sorry again. Thanks for you time.
Now if you had a link on how to be friends with an Extrovert or at least to understand them…. This was a great insight into the ways one person understands (or makes the effort) another. Excellent!
Thank you! This is great!
I’m an extrovert 110%. Thank you for posting. I teach and I always worry about my introvert students, I don’t want alienate them or make them feel on-the-spot. This is very helpful. My husband is an introvert and we are patient/flexible with each other. It works really well. 🙂
Thank you so much! Nice post! A lot of times I forget that I’m introverted and start blaming myself for desiring to be let alone to “refuel”. It’s a nightmare living in a place where no one is introvert and being like me sounds like having a mental disease. I should write in big words on my wall to don’t forget that I’m normal although people make me feel anormal a thousand times. Sorry for my English mistakes, thank you again for writing about this with serenity (and not sadness or angry) and my best greetings from another hemisphere from a country that is globally known as the place of “happy people” and extroverts. (a nightmare for introverts if they’re not recognized as healthy and normal people).
YES! One of my very-extroverted friends keeps saying “Awkward Silence” whenever there is a pause longer than a full 5 seconds in a conversation… In reality, I’m just processing the last comment that she made – not being rude or anything :/
And her saying that makes it more awkward than it actually was. Haha.
And yeah, I’ve never read a list like this that described me so perfectly. Usually only half of the points actually apply to me. But this list was 100% accurate – as well as all the added comments from other readers.
VERY WELL DONE! So validating and spot on!
Lately I’ve read several things on introverts which have confirmed what I’ve known about myself for quite some time. I always used the word “shy” but that never quite fit since I can turn on the small talk and charm when I HAVE to but its exhausting! I am a barber and must be “on” for hours at a time. I never answer a phone unless it’s a few inner circle callers, and I LOVE texting and writing notes and letters. My husband gets very frustrated at my inability to call people on the fly. Social Media is a wonderful thing for those of us who long to connect with friends and family but who hate social gatherings. I am glad information is getting out to help us understand ourselves and for others to see how we really work inside.
Totally! It’s funny, INTJ speaking, I have almost no friends but I’m perfectly happy with my life. Don’t expect us to say something on the whim. We have to think it out!
Hi Jamie,
I know you had 180 comments on this post, so I’ll try to be quick. Did you know you had readers in France? Well now, you have. Someone pinned this post on Pinterest, and the title just struck me. I was more curious than anything. But as I went reading, my thought was pretty much “oh my god, so I’m not a weirdo”. You know, people in France are so attached to this party/drinking/talking festive spirit, that I often felt really a sociopath. (and as I don’t like alcohol, just imagine how much difficult it is for me to get along with people in parties…)
All the more so that we are not really in a “psychological/empathic/learn about other” way of life here, unfortunately. So to discover that I was just normal, it just changed my life. It brought me a certain kind of peace. This is what I am: quiet time, tea, books, writing, thinking, enjoying every day, even the bad ones. Anyway, I promised I would be brief, so I’m going to stop there. Thank you, and greetings from France ;D
Ps: I hope my english is not too painfull to read!
Wonderful! Thanks for taking time to comment all the way from France, Mamzette! 🙂
I am stunned at the likeness between everything described in this piece and myself. I first read it last evening and have done so again this morning.
The most striking point for me is “Conversation on repeat”.
I couldn’t possibly count the number of times I’ve come home from dinner or spending time with friends and replayed all that I said. More times than not, I will not complete my dissection of the conversation without a regret (or ten) as to how I should have responded to a question, commented, etcetera.
Thank you for so clearly describing our unique way of interaction. I think you at least deserve a Pulitzer!
100% accurate to a t. I also have been with an extrovert for a few years, and we’re just now employing statements like, “recharging” and “I’m not mad, I’m honestly just thinking.”
Just don’t nag us to come hang out all the time. Kinda makes me get a bit more avoidant.
All I can say is thank you to whoever wrote this!!! This perfectly describes me!! My favorite is #8!!
Resonates so deeply. I would also guess that the majority of this lot are also empaths.
All of these points are amazingly true about myself, and this is coming from a girl who’s only 16! 🙂
OMG THIS IS ME 100%!!! I just read the whole thing to my husband. THANK YOU FOR THIS POST. I just shared it on my Facebook. 🙂
I might mention that an introvert needs time to re-charge because one can be out-going and gregarious when necessary, but it takes a lot out of an introvert to do so. All that cocooning is spot on when in re-charge mode. Thanks for the reminders.
Thank you Jamie!! This article is being passed on to all my friends who sometimes don’t get me. It is the perfect list for us introverts!
I totally agree with your blog and that is so me…. I hate on the spot anything I need time to think, plan, and prepare.
I worked in politics for a while and spoke with a successful politician who related to my feelings as an introvert. He was such a success and so gifted with people. He explained they just wore him out sometimes. I feel quite…ABLE to engage others but that has nothing to do with my mood. Being an introvert does not mean you lack people skills it just means people are freakin’ exhausting some….ok, most of the time. 🙂
Then there are the introverted extroverts. They appear to be an extrovert in many cases, and in many they are; however, they still require introvert recharging, thinking, and preparing (some hate small talk too). This completely baffles people, especially full extroverts.
I abhor phone calls and checkout
lines with checkout people. I much prefer self checkout lines where the worst thing that happens is if it messes up and I have to talk to someone.
Texting is a gift from the gods! Without it I may never interact with my loved ones at all!
I am an introvert exactly as described above, and a high school English teacher. I love my job, and try to bring lots of energy and fun into each of my classes. However, when my classroom empties, I need a few minutes to relax and recharge. So, at break or at lunch you will often find me at my desk reading, listening to music, or just thinking. I’m sure some of the other staff members wonder why I don’t join them in the staff room, but I just can’t bear the small talk and noise. I just need to be with me and my thoughts before the next class arrives so that I can be my best for them.
I have several friends who are introverts. I try to be understanding of that. It is hurtful though when I initiate conversation (through email or text) and don’t hear back at all or for several weeks. Is there a way to meet the needs of the introvert AND the extrovert?
I am having a similar problem with one of my introvert friend. Despite the fact he is a nice person, he is introvert, closed-mined and passive to quite a degree.
Often I don’t hear from him for few weeks, if its not few months. After many years, I started to think he is not…a friend at all.
Needless to say, introversion is on the sliding scale and I think most introverts can be a great friend. Often I find them sensitive, caring, intelligent, creative and trustworthy.
However, Robin William’s quote hits me recently,
“I used to think the worst thing in life is to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.”
Whatever the reason might be, if a person can’t / don’t/ won’t show a desire to interact with YOU….what’s left to do?
I believe healthy relationship is mutual participation, otherwise, it only makes you feel so insignificant.
A friend don’t make you feel that way.
so true!
Thanks for posting this…my extroverted friend now understands me a little better. Another great article called “23 signs you are an introvert” is here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/20/introverts-signs-am-i-introverted_n_3721431.html
I also hate making small talk with the dentist or my hairstylist. Just do my hair and let me relax!
Holy cow another INTJ girl. I love being me but it can be a challenge.
This whole article describes me wonderfully. Most of my friends think I’m antisocial and a pushover at times, when I really just want to avoid saying something I’ll regret, or am “recharging” as best I can.
Is it typical for introverts to have a quick temper?
I absolutely love this blog! Introverts are often misunderstood and you hit the nail on the head. Thank you for sharing.
I’m the same with you on the shopping, but if I’m killing time in a store, all the inquisitions by the sales people really fluster me and I just walk about feeling interrupted. They ruin my shopping time with their faux small talk.
I am an introvert and an author, and so much of this is true. I used to think I would never be able to write because I can’t really carry on good conversations with people – especially in a large group! But when I have time to think about it (in my writing) and make changes and improve it, delete, find a better word, it’s amazing that I found I can do it! And it’s all because I think too much about what to say before I say it. If I’m in a group of people, by the time of I think of what I’m going to say and how to say it, the conversation has moved on to something else! In writing, I have all the time in the world to think about a conversation! This was great! Thanks!
always wondered , now I know. thanks to my wonderful and loving daughter and pinterest I LOVE YOU.
This is great and so true! It’s interesting that almost all of the comments here are made by women, why is that? I am a male INTP and this phenomena is fascinating to me.
It’s so interesting that a common thread with everyone is a hatred of phones. That is me for sure – I find them so intrusive, especially when you are not expecting it.
I work as a data analyst, and my employers wanted me to also man the general phones lines when the receptionist needed a break. I hated it so intently, I threatened to quit if that continued to be part of my job!
I wonder too if a need for perfection and attention to detail are also common among introverts? Is that why we like time to prepare? Would extraverts be as concerned with the spelling? 🙂
I thought I was reading about myself!
I always thought I was weird or socially retarded for not liking to go to parties, or answer the phone, or receive drop-in visitors graciously! It’s good to know that there are many others out there like me! I can totally host a get together at my own house, but I despise block parties and work socials and the like!
Thanks for posting this!! 🙂
It is only our prejudice and first impression of people that get us to make wrong assumptions about people. I have noticed how we are made to ponder over ourselves that we are doing it wrong. yet we are not doing anything wrong. its just our way of doing things.
All the things mentioned in this article totally relates to me. All we ask for some time.
INTJ girl too and I can totally relate to this, I love me, but yes, it can be a challenge when attempting to interact with others, I tend to get “you’re not a girl” or “something’s wrong with you”. Thankfully I’ve gotten used to that, no longer bothers me.
Oh my gosh…the description is me to a T!
Hate voicemail or phone calls…I actually take a deep breath and shudder when the phone rings or the answering machine beeps…just text me! LOL
I have two very extroverted siblings and when I show them this blog, they still don’t get it. I love them but whether I speak with them on the phone or I’m at an event / family function with them, I come away exhausted and feel like I need a couple of days to recoup, which never happens!
This was one of the best explanations of my personality EVER! I’ve just recently become aware that my quirky personality traits are that of an “Introvert”, I always thought I was just weird and quirky and that other people weren’t like me. It’s nice to have some validation that I’m not alone!
Texting is the introvert’s best friend. I have more contact with people now than I did before texting. If you’re going to call, text me first, so I can be prepared!
Great article, spot on every point!
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I have said these exact words to my husband (who is an extrovert) many times. He is patient with me and loves me with everything he has and totally gets it. I wish more people would get it. I love socializing, but mainly one on one and I think people just do not take the time to understand. Thank you for putting in to words what goes through my head daily. Means the world to me that there are others out there just like me!
YES to everything! ???????? And in addition if it hasn’t already been mentioned: when I’m at a party I pushed myself to go to for the sake of not hurting feelings, DO NOT make me dance or sing karoake!! I know not all introverts are non-dancers/non-singers. But my close friends and family know I’m not going to dance . This has been ongoing for years! But the pressure is always on since they think I’m “not having fun.” I actually enjoy people watching at parties and get-togethers. I like taking pics, laughing, joking around, eating good food and desserts. Just don’t make me dance or sing karaoke. lol
Omg, I hate that! My husband used to do that to me all the time! He’s an extrovert.lol
Oh my…. I’m an ambivert and I figured out because of my new introvert friend. She is an introvert and doesnt know anything about it. At first I was so intrigued by her. She challenged all my social capacity to make friends. It always kept me thinking “why is she like that? What is the problem with her? Why is she so strange and awkward?” So I happened to find something online on introversion and begun to read more and more about it. As I saw so many similarities between how introverts are and how my friend behaves I felt this relief as if she suddenly made sense. Actually she still puzzles me but I know now that she does makes sense (in her mind there is a logic for her behaviour although I dont quite get it all). I am learning to accept her and to respect her. The more I do this the more she trusts me. I beleive we will one day reach a point where she will also understand my own “logic” and learn to respect it too. With dialogue and love we can meet that common ground of understanding and respect. Thank you for your article!
Thank you Jamie!
I have a friend that I have been taking things very personal, when I discovered this person in an introvert. I still find myself struggling sometimes not to take it personal. Now that I recognize it, I have more patience. When I was a child I was introvert, in my young adulthood I became extrovert – more balanced I like to say:)
Im glad I found your blog. It’s hard sometimes when you care about someone and you feel as though they are shutting you out.
Thank you!
All the best.
God Bless!
yes! I’m also an INTJ girl and I always get the feeling that strangers think I’m a jerk when I first meet them. But the people close to me know better 🙂
Thank you so much Jamie for writing this. Always thought something was wrong with me and wasn’t happy with myself especially when people want you to push and to be something that you are not. I deffently found myself and these words just nailed it! It’s nice to read something were you can relate too. So happy I’m not the only one out there. ????
Judging from the number of replies, the part about us not shutting up about something we care about is spot on I am definitely introverted, Recently,I had two of my instructors tell me they ” cant quite figure me out”, due to me being quiet in class, until I disagree with something. Which I have no problems arguing my point, until they see I was right all along,lol. But I would also add I think it’s important for us to put ourselves into social situations with which we are uncomfortable, from time to time, and gradually increase frequency. Doing this over the years has helped me tremendously, my wife of 13 years has even told me how much I have improved. But I still love my alone time.
As an introvert myself, and have had one close friend since fifth grade and many more that come and go, but still keep in contact with him (36 yo. now), we dont always talk, and go months sometimes without a word,but when we do, its always a good time.Trust me, if you have an introverted friend, he will always be your friend, It is just hard for us to make the first contact sometimes, no matter how ridiculous that sounds.
My advice would be to reach out to him first, if he is a true friend that cares about you, he WILL respond.He may just be on a deeper level of introversion, and requires a little more time between interactions. But then again some people just grow apart in life, and you gotta just shrug it off, and make some new friends. Apparently you extroverts don’t have a problem doing that,lol. Hope that helps.
Very true about the quick temper, I think because we spend so much time thinking about things ahead of time, when something goes against our grain, we will defend our position till the death. After all ,we were right in the first place 🙂
Thank you for these! I wish more family and friends understood these points.
I agree with everything except point 4. I hate voicemail but that may only be because I have a hearing impairment so prefer texting overall
I am an introvert but when I don’t know somebody well, I prefer group of people because then any attention is attention is distributed to more people not just me 😀
And I always feel like I don’t fit the group 🙁
One of the best, clearest blog entries I’ve read on the subject. Kudos and I hope it spreads far and wide!
You are right on! I never classified myself as an introvert before; I just assumed I was somewhat shy and that it was weird that I not only want, but NEED time alone. You would never guess that by looking at me though. I play the extrovert game when needed, but like you said, I need some serious decompressing time after! Most women don’t understand me, my love of the outdoors, my not wanting to go to the latest party, etc. So I have just given up because I cannot be anything else than what I am. As Emerson said, “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” I even shared at my bible study that I don’t make friends easily (and that was quite a risk, let me tell you!) This was great because it summed up succinctly what I sort of try to tell people about myself in a vague, uncertain way. Step aside, small talk! We got it from here:) Well-written, well-said blog! You rock, Jamie! Plus your smile lights up the world, sort of like Mary Tyler Moore:):):)
Aw, thanks! Love the Mary Tyler Moore reference. 😉
Not very good at dealing with my emotions in front of a group of people. So if I should be excited about something and it doesn’t seem to you that I’m not, don’t take it personally, I’m excited but just don’t like to show it. Same thing with all other emotions.
Eli…I know! What is that about? Please, just work on my teeth and keep the gas coming, right?
I completely agree! My husband is a family/crisis counselor. He’s an extrovert. When the pastor at church says, “Everyone go meet someone you don’t know and shake hands!” I cringe! He can’t wait to go looking! He usually has to be instructed to return to his seat. i shake hands with someone near me and quickly sit down; smiling weakly at everyone else that goes by. I thrive on my time alone! I recharge in my green chair in the corner by my bed; while watching mysteries on TV. LOVE…..
Yes! I’ve always said I’d be the LEAST exciting person ever to win a radio contest or something. 😉
This is awesome! I would add “don’t try to make an introvert into an extrovert” as if we are somehow lacking in some way and just need to ‘meet people’ and ‘get out more’. We aren’t hermits, we aren’t lonely, and we aren’t afraid of the outside world. 🙂
Yes, yes, I do the same at the “meet and greet” time at church, lol! 😉
Omgosh, I am quite the opposite, ladies! Speaking in front of a large group of people is my biggest fear. I’ve had to do that at work in training a few times and I just clam up and lose all of my thoughts. I must say, I am best one-on-one or in a very small group…
Thanks, Jamie – this really is great! As a fellow introvert, I totally and completely agree. 🙂
Fantastic jamie. I recognise so much of myself here. You put it really well. Thanks
O my goodness, yes! And don’t push me to Skype, facetime or take unexpected photos of me!
I appreciate reading this article, I just visited my step-daughter this week end and left somewhat frustrated as I always do when I interact with her. I get so many “can’t statements” or “won’t” statements from her and I try to understand, but I’m an extrovert and can come home from a party or activity or meeting totally charged. I get out and go for walks and stop and visit with people if they are out and about. I have tried to chat with her online and will send whole paragraphs and maybe will get a one word answer a week later. I don’t know but this to me is rude. She also tells me she can’t go outside to exercise because she is so paranoid about people looking at her, so she stays inside and continues with an unhealthy lifestyle. Sorry for the vent but I am really going to have to study on this to be able to remotely understand her.
Has anyone found the process of “stepping into a role” at times help them accomplish things and then step back out of that role and decompress. My ex and my oldest daughter had to do that to be able to function in certain work situations.
But if it keeps you from functioning in the “real world” there is a problem.
Your daughter-in-law may very well be an introvert, but there may be other things going on here. Most of us can “turn on” our extroverted side whenever we need to, as long as we’ve got down time in the mix to decompress, too.
Everything in this fits me like a glove, and being introverted works against you because it is “against your nature to explain your nature”. I still can’t visit new stores or restaurants because the “newness” always throws my mind into a blender and I can’t think straight.
This describes me very well. I like people but sometimes if I’m around them, Ijust get irritated and need time to myself. I also like to know how genuinely a person is doing. And phone conversations make me super anxious and I hate being put on the spot. When my current boyfriend asked me to be his girlfriend, I was so in shock that I couldn’t give him an answer even though I just adore him! I need time to think and reflect on things more then anything. Lots of time to myself. And even though I could off as quiet, once you get me to talking I could go on forever. In fact I love to talk! Its just small talk that gets me.
You’ve really hit home on this post. It’s so good to hear I’m not the only one like this! The only thing I can think of to possibly add is that weekend nights are easier to be with others rather than weekday nights.
Thank you for posting this!
I am a musician (a performer, no less!), so people assume that I am an extrovert. But honestly, I’m just a “brave” introvert. Practicing my instrument is like rehearsing dialogue in my head. It’s really been an outlet for me. I’ve really forced myself over the years to try to overcome my shyness tendencies, but I’m really an introvert at heart! I just want to stay in with my honey or a couple of close friends, have a drink or a cup of coffee, and have a great conversation that isn’t about the weather!!!
I am #’s 3,5,6,8,9 & 10, I don’t know what that says about me. I do hate answering a call no matter if I’m.expecting it or not, but I do it anyway, but I hate when I’m speaker, I’m generally okay with putting myself on speaker if I’m alone and I don’t like talking on the phone with people around whether I’m on speaker or not. I do tend to make small talk if I’m alone with someone I don’t know well and there’s awkward silence.
I often have to push myself to go out to a gathering, mostly because I often find myself saying no to going out and staying home and then other begin to think I’m a snob.
Yes, yes, yes from an INFJ girl!!! This is excellent!! Had to share this on my wall! 😉 I am far too often misunderstood!
As an active, social male, I find this article very enlightening and encouraging. I am, however, undoubtedly an introvert.
I sometimes wish our society would place more emphasis on “relationships” rather than on “fun.” Relationships are what make parties fun for me– not a bunch of random small-talk with people I will never see again.
As odd as it sounds, the best parties I went to in college involved talking seriously with others about important subjects, and leaving with new thoughts or idea to think about.
Until then, I guess I will continue to have to act super social to fit the stereotypical male.
Thanks for the post!
This was an important article for me to read. Thank you for having the courage to write it. I wish this topic would be more talked about in the media. There is so many of us out there and just seeing the responses to your article makes me feel not so alone and that other people share my struggles in a extroverted world. Being a introvert and not realizing it until my forties has been a long journey. I was always trying to find out what was wrong with me and why I couldn’t be more like my friends no matter how hard I tried. I was always asking myself why I couldn’t make friends easier or keep them for long periods of time. So many of my friends give up on me after years of friendship. I think they feel they have to work to hard to be my friend and they are probably right. I seem to have turned into myself even more as I have aged. I need more time to recharge more than ever. I am not as good as I used to be about being able to act as an extrovert when needed or as I say putting on my mask.
I get concerned for my children even though I encourage them to get out with friends and to invite friends over. I am afraid my norm will be come theirs by the example I set. I have one intro and one extro. My husband is an intro but is great at turning it on most days.
I was wondering if you had children and if you felt your introvert ways affect them negatively, positively or not at all?
I have to say I have come to the realization that I am what I am and I am tired of beating myself up and trying to change to fit into the mold people think I should be in. Its not easy being introverted, it can get lonely in one respect but feeling lonely when the husband and kids are away doesn’t change my tendency to not want to hang out with friends. It can feel like nails on a chalk board. I am trying to educate myself about what I am and be ok with it.
😉 A knowing smile.
Oh my goodness, this is perfect. My entire life, I thought something was wrong with me and that I just needed to work harder to be more social. Someone posted an infographic on Facebook last year and I realized all that worry for nothing! I need this article as a t-shirt to wear. 🙂
Hi! Very interesting blog.
I, too, and refueled by spending time alone.
I also hate small talk. I prefer catching up one on one.
I don’t answer the phone unless I know who’s calling or it’s a call I am expecting.
I don’t like visitors dropping in unannounced.
I, too, need time to reflect.
I have a very silly side.
I tend to develop trust very slowly.
And, I am very much extrovert. I don’t find the traits you have outlined as unique to introverts.
In fact, I tend to think of introverts more about people who prefer to keep their cards close to their chest. Many of the other points are just about personal preferences, and I’m with you there.
Ann
You hit the nail on the head!! Perfect. There’s more obviously to you and me, but this is the jest. 🙂
I’m extroverted but I have a lot introverted friends. (Probably one big reason is because I love getting in deep conversations) I wanted to share my biggest struggle with my introverted friendships with hopes that the many introverts reading this would give me some more insight. The thing I struggle with the most is my own loneliness in these friendships. As an extrovert, I need frequent talks, even deep conversations are great, on a regular (daily) basis in order to get rejuvenated. Where my introverted friends feel once a week is enough and it always has to be on there time table and when they are ready, never when I need it. They never answer the phone when I can talk (which was one of the points of the article), but then why do you get so frustrated back at me when I don’t answer your call when you finally are ready? I sometimes feel like we can only interact when you are ready and I need to be ready and waiting for that moment. I get stressed out having to schedule in great detail every interaction, even simple phone calls, even if it is just to say hi. I literally was once told, “Well, you can tell me all about your “crisis” (ie major thing happening in my life) next Friday when we meet for coffee,” when it was something that couldn’t wait until the following week. I wanted your opinion this week. I really value your thought out opinion, because you give great advice (because you actually do think before you speak).
I was part of a small church that the majority was introverted. I continually felt depleted socially and spiritually. I liked this article as it helped even more to understand my introverted friends, but I felt it didn’t address the issue of making me feel like leftovers. I think there somehow needs to be a way for both of us to meet in the middle. I love the depth and silliness of my introverted friends, I just wish they got me the same way they wish I got them.
I know I am dating a introvert. I believe I was an extrovert but some of the introvert ways have rubbed off. I use to like crowds but not so much any more. I have come to appreciate the alone times for 2 reasons 1) it slows my speeding mind down 2) I love that he loves being around me just 1 on 1.
I believe opposites attract because we need something from each other. Even when we feel like we don’t.
I needed to slow down, take time to listen and appreciate the quietness because in it, it speaks loudly. I am able to take in one thing at a time.
He needs to have fun and enjoy his surroundings, as he feels comfortable. Know that it is okay to speak out once in awhile and understand that my excitement ia sometimes triggered by his presence and not trying to irritate him.
Overall I need him and he needs me.
Very informative post!
I’ve been calling it “the dreaded meet and greet” for years!
Hi Jamie. I just found you on the internet. I was searching for something totally different (Math) LOL! When I saw this post, I just had to read it! I, too, am an introvert. You described me so well in this post. I usually feel that I am abnormal somehow. I want to get to know people, but it’s hard for me. I want to be able to express and share my innermost self with other people, but I somehow just don’t establish that kind of trust with many people. Usually when I do, something happens to destroy the friendship or the other person hates to hear me ramble on about things that are important to me – and that hurts me so much! I thank you for your post. You have made me feel somewhat better, at least knowing that I’m not alone in my quirks.
By the way, it’s terribly hard, sometimes, to be married to an introvert, as well. With two introverts in the house, it’s often hard to connect. When one wants to open up, the other isn’t in the mood to listen (too busy thinking). 🙂 LOL! But we’ll make it through by God’s grace. Thanks again!
You nailed it, Elle!
I also dislike labels. Within this label there is a wide spectrum of these behaviors. Because opposites attract, it seems most of us are married to an extravert. It requires mutual respect and flexibility. Just because “this is the way I am,” it doesn’t mean we can’t grow. I’m a very different person than I was decades ago and can now interact fairly comfortably with strangers and talk in front of a large group if the need arises. I found help with CHAOS (Can’t Have Anyone Over Syndrome) from Flylady (www.flylady.net).
I am comforted to know the other introverts need time to think through things before replying. I sometimes feel brain dead for not being able to participate in a conversation at the same pace as others. I definitely am thinking and have thoughts and opinions, but putting them into words and getting them out quickly doesn’t usually happen.
But, when all is said and done, I am still an introvert that recharges my batteries by spending time alone and my husband is still an extravert who recharges his batteries by spending time with others! 🙂
Wow…. got it pretty much nailed!
Hi Jamie. Just came across your blog on pinterest. I always thought there was something wrong with me. It has brought tears to my eyes knowing there are other people like me. My husband is an extrovert and loves to meet new people and is so comfortable with them. I really think if we go anywhere to a party or gathering its because they want to see him. He’s fun to be around, quick whit and can tell a good story. When we are there he will find someone to chit chat with leaving me to fend on my own. I get so nervous, can’t thing of anything to say to people. I just want to leave or crawl into a hole. I wAnt to thank you, I don’t feel so alone.l
I just want to say how appreciative I am for those of you willing to explain what’s happening in the mind of an introvert. I am an ENFP, and I very much thrive on the energy of others and regular conversation. I live with a girl who is an ISFJ, and it has proven to be very challenging for me to avoid assuming that she is mad or that I’ve done something wrong. It seems like she is always caught off guard when I say something to her, and the stretches of silence are probably the most unsettling thing I’ve experienced. So yeah, bottom line, these little explanations are SUPER helpful!
So glad this was a help for you — and your introvert friends!
As an INFP, all I have to say is, EXACTLY! ??
I thought there was something wrong we me for a long time….I’m an INTJ…now I understand
…and there you have it Susie…”I never saw anything wrong with her.”
Because there wasn’t. WTFudge????? People thinking because someone is different than they are then they must be damaged, broken or wrong. Gee willikers.
Anyone who is different than you is just that – different. And there’s room for all kinds of different in the world. What a sad ugly place it would be if every thing and every one was the same.
LIKEWISE!!
introverts often connect with out even speaking. they communicate that way. its not a bad thing.
LOVE your post!! :):)
It’s me in a nutshell. Would you allow me to translate it to Portuguese (I’m from Brazil) and share it with due credits? 🙂 Thanks.
Daniela,
Yes, that is fine. It’d be fun to know this is out in the world in Portuguese! 🙂
I have a difficult (but improving) time because my boyfriend is an introvert and I am an extrovert. When he wants “space” I hear “rejection.” When he does not want to be accompanied constantly, I feel disinterest in me or the relationship. I know that personal boundaries are important but admittedly it makes me feel insecure in the relationship. It is MUCH less friction than in the beginning because we really love each other and try to respect each other’s feelings and needs AND we have each compromised some to find middle ground, but it is probably still the biggest single struggle in our relationship. Thank you for explaining as best you can.