adoption

When Mom Struggles with Bonding in Adoption

In adoption circles, “attachment” is a big buzz-word. A diagnosis of RAD (reactive attachment disorder) tends to be the exception rather than the rule, but many adopted children have some difficulty bonding with their new parents. This is easy to understand if you think about it: children growing up in foster homes or orphanages, or in abusive families of origin (birth families) don’t learn to trust caregivers the way children should in a healthy family. In these cases, there’s nothing “wrong” with the child; it’s just harder for them to feel safe enough to allow themselves to love.

Bonding in Adoption

What about when Mom is the one to struggle?

What I rarely hear mentioned is when the adoptive mom struggles in bonding with her children. It’s not uncommon to hear about “baby blues” or postpartum depression in mothers who have given birth, but rarely do we talk about anything like that in adoption. Maybe I just haven’t read the right blogs/books or talked to the right people, but this subject seems to be taboo.

So let’s talk about it here.

I love my kids. All of them. The ones that live in this house and the ones that don’t; the one I gave birth to and the ones I didn’t. I can honestly say I fiercely love them all, but I’ve struggled to enjoy them.

I want to talk about this because I know I’m not the only one.

I’ve felt inferior and unequipped, been convinced I’m a terrible person, and have mentally beaten myself up for the so-called failure on my part to ooze affection and all the ooey-gooey wonderfulness mothers should feel and do for their children.

Of course, it’s impossible to enjoy anyone or anything while mentally berating oneself. In fact, it traps me in a cycle of more stress, more non-enjoyment of my kids.

I expected struggles bonding with a teen.

With Lindsey, I knew going in that adopting a child at nearly 15 years old would pose challenges in how deeply we might ever connect because she had fifteen years of life before I became her mother. That’s a lot of time and experiences without me.

Daughters 2012

I knew, since I’d never been the one to kiss her boo-boos or tuck her in at night or do any of the thousands of little relationship-building things parents do with their kids, that our relationship would be different. With her, this played out in the past four years as occasional conflict with me (as our personalities are nearly polar opposite) and some aloofness on both our parts. I expect this to continue to wax and wane over the years but I have hopes we’ll eventually settle into a comfortably good adult-parent relationship. Thankfully she and Ken have similar enough personalities that they “get” each other better and have always had a pretty good relationship even in difficult times.

What about adopting younger children?

My expectations with adopting younger kids were different. I spend my days doing all those little bond-making trust-building things for them: making meals and putting lotion on chapped skin and answering 300,000 questions a day and saying nighttime prayers, etc.

kids in grass

Thankfully, they seem to be doing fantastic with attachment. It was harder for Scout than for Jem, as she had more memories to overcome and more understanding of things he didn’t. He fell immediately in love with Ken as his Daddy and is comfortable with me as Mama, too. Scout seems to be catching up quickly in this. I believe they’ll both grow up healthily attached to us.

But bonding has been hard for me. {I’ve learned much about myself in the past year and will likely spend some time this year writing about how my introversion and specific personality traits/type affect my relationships.}

Key reasons I’ve struggled in bonding:

  1. Grief. Scout and Jem moved in the day after my Dad died. My emotions have been so mixed up I didn’t know which way was up.
  2. Chaos. I crave order in my home, but throwing two young children in the mix rocked my world — and my routine.
  3. Pee. Seriously, y’all. I never thought pee would be my undoing but it nearly was. For 5 months I dealt with peed-in pants. One child did it every day, and never felt the need to notify anyone; this was a subconscious way of dealing with sudden and profound change. Some days BOTH kids wet their pants. The entire house smelled like pee all the time and I did more laundry than at any other time of my life.
  4. Anger. Theirs and mine. Being screamed at, spit on, hit and kicked did not give me warm fuzzies. They weren’t truly mad at me; they were mad at everything leading up to their lives being turned completely upside down. Knowing where something comes from helps, but doesn’t make it easy.
  5. Noise. I knew I liked peace and quiet, but was always been able to deal with noisy surroundings when necessary. But I’d never actually lived with near-constant noise, and apparently I have a noise threshold that, once exceeded, turns me into the Hulk.
    {Related: I’ve learned I’m “sensitive.”}
  6. Neediness. One child in particular craves attention. Incessant talking is a primary way this shows itself; this means I cannot have an entire uninterrupted train of thought. Ever. While I understand the myriad of reasons behind it, it doesn’t make dealing with it any easier. When I shared this post by Jen Hatmaker (love her!), my Mom told me she swore I’d written it under a pseudonym. 😉

It’s getting better.

We’re nearly a year in. I’ve worked through much of the grief over my Dad. Pants are staying dry.  There’s still an occasional temper tantrum but these days the venom is gone and when they do have one it’s a “typical” kid tantrum. The chaos is mostly under control. I’ve built in some daily quiet time to help my sanity, and I’m learning other ways to deal with my sensitivities. I’m practicing living the now, which includes intentionally looking for things to appreciate in each moment and in each child.

I don’t do rainbows-and-unicorns but I believe in adoption, and I believe in God’s healing power and abundant grace. I don’t get as many comments as I did in the old days but I often get emails from readers with questions about adoption; THANK YOU for sending those because that’s a large part of why I write this blog.

As always, I appreciate when you pin/tweet/share my adoption-focused posts. There are even handy little buttons below to help you do that!

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Alicia

Thank you Jamie for always keeping things real! I wish more adoptive families would be open to sharing a true picture of what life is like with an adopted child.

Corina

Thank you so much for continuing to share your story. I love your honesty and it’s helping to prepare me for what lies ahead. We are still waiting (approved in June) to be matched with the children God has planned for our family. Your blog has long been one that I respect in terms of telling the whole story of adoption from foster care, yet remaining hopeful about the days to come. Thank you.

Ami

Thank you for sharing your real. 🙂

Stacy

Thanks for sharing the ups AND the downs. Your genuineness is commendable. Be encouraged….you are growing Kingdom kids and God loves them more than you do. His plan is perfect and nothing you do or don’t do will get in His way of carrying that out. He has blessed YOU to be a blessing! And it sounds to me that is exactly what you are! 🙂

Mary

Jamie ~ I think your honesty is going to be so helpful to families going through this. I’ve been honored to witness your journey… and I’m continually praying for your precious family.

Erin - The Usual Mayhem

Thanks for being so honest, Jamie! I have a few friends who have adopted and I know they struggle with the same thing – one child of a good friend, in particular, is extremely high maintenance and 5 years in she still tests their love for her daily, making it very hard to bond emotionally. I’m going to refer the parents to your post the next time it comes up in conversation. And just for the record? The “Hulk”, in our house, is known as the Evil Shrieking Woman and appears on the constant noise days here 🙂 You’re not… Read more »

Zephyr Hill

Thank you for being so honest and vulnerable. You rang a lot of bells for me! Many years ago when I was going through some of the same struggles you are, all that was available was a little black-and-white magazine, printed on flimsy paper, but it brought me the honest sharing of parents like me, and it was a lifeline to let me know I wasn’t bad or crazy. I recently heard about how a mother’s personality (according to the Myers-Briggs scale) influences her mothering style, and I realized that knowledge would have been so helpful many years ago when… Read more »

Vertical Mom

Thank you for your honesty! Knowing that this is a normal part of the process for some people will be so helpful in those moments we feel like we’ve ruined our family and it will never get better. More adoptive and foster parents need to hear about the hard stuff so they don’t feel so alone. Keep it up, Mama! You’re doing great!

Kelly

I have experienced these very feelings. Book titles that make motherhood sound so full of warm fuzzies would cause me to tear up because there weren’t any warm fuzzies at the time so I felt like I must be doing something wrong. Six years into this adoption journey and I still wonder sometimes if this is how it feels for all moms or just some adoptive moms?

Sarah

We do foster care. I’m struggling with this RIGHT NOW and seriously, this couldn’t have come at a better time. THANK YOU! I am struggling now, and the guilt is just eating at me. Thank you for the hope!

Tiffany S

Wow! Really. Wow. Your gentle, respectful honesty on such a sensitive topic is breathtaking. As a fan of silence, I can only imagine how hard this was to write, and yet so, so important. Adoption needs reality as much as kids need families. And once again, you show us your heart, give us hope, and quietly ditch the unreasonable burden of perfection. It is such a pleasure and honour to share your journey. Thank you.
PS. I found Elaine Aron about six years ago and it was like exhaling for the first time in my life. 😉

Michelle

Thank you so much for this post. I became full-time mother to my step-son when he was 3. Bio mom decided she didn’t have the time for him. Our relationship began with me being hit, spit-on (why do kids do that?), toilet issues, tantrums, and being “kicked out” of preschool after preschool (6 total). It was so, so hard to like him. I grew to love him, but the liking part was really hard. It is comforting to know that my feelings were/are normal. I am happy with our relationship now, he is 15, still no Bio mom in the… Read more »

Angel

Totally get this and so happy to have stumbled on this article. I am 2 years into having my adopted daughter – now age 10- and I feel like I am constantly in defense mode of myself and my biological children. There was no honeymoon period as the defiance began the evening we walked out of the orphanage with her. She definitely has trust issues as she still struggles to accept what I say without immediately disagreeing or arguing. I feel like she is always fighting me and it is so hard to enjoy being around her. Things have improved.… Read more »

Pam

I have NEVER commented on a blog post before but felt the need to do so now. It is SO true that you rarely see anything written about the mother struggling to bond and attach to their adopted child. I have struggled with this since we adopted 2 years ago and I really related to pretty much everything you wrote! I especially relate to your sensitivity and how that relates to how you deal with your children. I discovered Elaine Aaron about 6 years ago and WOW-I originally sought information to help understand my bio daughter’s sensitivity better (really to… Read more »

Chandra Regan

I suspect that our personality types are quite similar. I have a pretty low threshold for noise, too. Although, I had to learn to overcome that when I taught in a preschool for several years. But, boy would I come home exhausted! I think that’s why I wanted to adopt an older child, because I knew how much those little ones wore me out. And the pee stayed at preschool. I can imagine how hard it’s been. Even my teen went through some of the same struggles in the first year. And we struggled because we both lost our jobs… Read more »

Amanda

Thank you so much, this is a great post! We are adopting a now-12 year old from foster care. She’s lovely and really has zero unusual behavior problems, just the normal preteen stuff. She was also blessed with a loving grandfather so she is already bonding with us very well. But still, it’s a constant struggle for my husband and I just to get used to this whole new person. And she’s hearing-impaired and we have 3 little ones so you can imagine the noise level 😉 She’s only been with us 4.5 months so we’re very much still adjusting.… Read more »

May

Wow, I can’t believe it’s been almost a year! Thank you for sharing your journey, the good and the bad. I know I’m called to parent and think it may be through fostering, and it is wonderful to get a picture on how it can be to care for children in that way (although I know there are differences between fostering and adoption, and also between the US and UK systems). No family is perfect, no matter who is related to whom, but you seem to be doing a stellar job with yours!

Gwendy

Jamie,
Thanks for sharing this and linking to Jen’s post as well. It’s really encouraging, big sigh of relief to realize that I’m not the only one to pray that when I hear that little voice in the morning I don’t cringe! It’s nice to know I’m not alone in this struggle.

Jen

I hear ya on the pee! We have two who still wet the bed at night. As in every night – often through pull-ups. I have washed more loads of sheets than a normal person would is 10 lifetimes. I wish that were an exaggeration! For some reason though God called us to this life pee and all 🙂

It Feels Like Chaos

Thank you for writing this post! I have 3 children who joined our family through birth and 1 via adoption from another country when she was 3 years old. She has been home for 2 years now and I can so relate to much of what you shared and it is really a comfort because I have felt a lot of guilt over my feelings. My little girl is precious and full of life and everyone she meets loves her, but I have struggled with the warm fuzzy feelings. Her personality is very opposite mine, she is extremely loud, active,… Read more »

corinne

I so get this! Have struggled with placement of a second child despite the fact she has waaaay less behaviour problems and attachment issues than my older child. The reason – noise! Because there are two kids in my house now playing and singing and fighting and wrestling but it seems ten times as noisy. And the peeing. The endless peeing and soiling of a six year old who otherwise is bright and mature and happy. All compounded with the fact that from the week introductions began my body decided to go into some kind of pre menopausal hormone overdrive,… Read more »

Deanna

Hi Jamie! I am a long time reader of your blog but one that doesn’t comment much. Due in part for the reason that I follow your for the homeschooling and the adoption posts. I relate much more to these posts, really identify with these vs. posts to support ads etc … not that any of that is bad or not relational to others… but, just thought I’d comment about it because I remember a post you had a while back addressing less followers via here, face book, and so. I really love your blog, been reading ‘you’ since before… Read more »

Deanna

oh I think I failed to mention… our two youngest boys (foster) are siblings who were able to become reunited after a few tough placements before hand- they are both over the moon to be back together!!!!!! We love them …going on 6 months soon that the oldest has been here, and 2 months that they younger has been here. Their case doesn’t look so promising for reunification- and we don’t know the direction that the Lord will take us or them in all come final decisions for them, but we are their bridge of hope home, the middle place… Read more »

Pattie

Oh my! Thank you for this post. We have been struggling about which way to go for our adoption journey and I have to say we are leaning more and more from right here in the USA. Any how your post helps me with all the possibilities that is about to come our way and knowing that when we hit those walls there are other parents out there that hit similar walls. I follow your blog for post just like this that makes the reader feel like your talking right to us. Thank you Jamie!

Heather

You mean I’m not the only one?? Thank you so much for your honesty. My sister in law recently passed away and her 6 1/2 year old son came to live with us. After a lifetime of abuse, neglect, and hurt he is slowly (so slowly) starting to show me the cute little guy under all that hurt. While he has adored my husband from the moment they met, our relationship is definitely taking more work. While I understand why that is, it’s a challenge at times and this post was absolutely what I needed to read today.

Kyle @ Aspired Living

We adopted 2 month old babies so I have not struggled with bonding like many of my friends who have adopted older children. Though I have no doubt that we will have struggles as they grow. But so many of my friends have adopted children and have struggled with many or all of the things you mentioned. Including one I don’t think I saw, we have a friend who had a child the same age as one of the children she was adopting. She struggled with favoritism and I can sooooo see myself having that same struggle if we did… Read more »

Tonya

You just described ME. We are 8 months in to our adoption of a 10 year old from the system. WOW, I seriously thought it was me. Something had to be wrong with me for feeling this way. Everything you just described are all thoughts I constantly have.

jacqui

I feel like you just described my life with my foster daughter!!! Thank you soooo much. I really felt absolutely horrid that I had such a struggle bonding with this little child (she arrived at 3 and is now 7). Anger (and aggression towards me) urine daily …even at age 7, incessant talking, these things describe her to a tee and I just had the hardest time dealing with them. I am okay with noise, clutter and chaos, but the rest of your list…wow!!! Thanks for making me feel normal!!!

Sharla

I totally went through this too. It shocked me because we had adopted three other times with no issues (for me) and I was not expecting to struggle. It was only AFTER I was through the worst of it that I started to read about post adoption depression and also read stories of other moms who had difficulty bonding and finally felt somewhat normal and understood.
I’m so glad you’re writing about it so that others can know that they are not alone.

Shannon

It is so nice to know there are other mom’s who struggle bonding with their adoptive children. Our son came home 4 years ago at the age of 22 months. Since then I have struggled so much with bonding. He seems to bond fine with my husband and my 10 yr old son. But my 13 yr old daughter and especially me, he hasn’t bonded very good. I am always berating myself and feeling like I am failing at raising him. I’ve come to realize that our personalities clash to the extreme. And some days the noise/hyper level and attitude… Read more »

Sarah

Thank you for your open and honest words. It is so easy for us moms to feel the weight of that dreaded ‘mommy guilt’. Often just hearing honest words of brave women like yourself can make such a difference and hopefully allow us to stop asking “what’s wrong with me?” I love that one of your bullet points is pee!! And I think that brings up another very important point that we need to remember to cut ourselves some slack. Bonding is not just an emotional thing. There are very scientific, physical and chemical factors that go into bonding. I… Read more »

De

I went through a brief (2-4 weeks) of grief for my adopted toddler’s birth mom right after we got her. Even though this child clearly didn’t belong with her and she had already lost custody of a second child by the time we adopted our daughter. I think this interfered some with my attachment to her. Also she had been in a foster home where she at 2 1/2 ran the show. We butted heads needless to say. Just today however I was remembering how I was scared to take her to the emergency room with me and her 5… Read more »

Jenn

I thank you for being SO HONEST about this dirty little secret that we adoptive mamas share. I can say that bonding with each of my children has been different. We have 1 biological child, 2 adopted and 8 fosters that have come and gone. I have loved each and every one of them, but it has not been all warm fuzzies. There have been times when I have had to force myself to remember that I love them and that I want them to know it, that shutting them out is not an option, that we WILL HAVE A… Read more »

Jen

I just came across your blog, and I’m so thankful. We adopted siblings at 3.5 and 2.5 yrs old, almost one year ago. I was just commenting to my husband last night how I feel terrible that I do not feel as bonded to our son as I do to our daughter. Thanks for sharing – makes me feel less alone =)

Chris

This is my life right now. If I were to write a blog post, it would probably depress all ten of my readers. Thanks for sharing.

SARAH

Thanks! Thanks! Thanks! And Thanks a million times over for ALL the posts…Feeling so alone, guilty and you name it for all that I’m feeling right now… I’m a single and at 46 decided to foster…wanted a child but wasn’t sure… Fostering seemed a safe way to ‘test the waters’ so to speak. My first child (3 days old) went from Foster to adopt in 8 months… Talk about whirlwind…I knew how I was with noise, I liked order to a certain degree…but really didn’t think all that would be affected so early in the game. Boy was I wrong… Read more »

Sheryle

Appreciate your honesty. This is the first blog i’ve seen that met me where I am. We are fostering to adopt a 14 yr old girl (3months in) and my struggle to bond is real. I love her truly but attitude, lying, and the neediness in her makes me angry and emotionally exhausted. We have many good moments but wow you nailed it. I too need quiet and peace. The excessive talking sends me to retreat. My husband is far more patient but he’s not with her as much as i am! Its great to hear it will come in… Read more »

Rose

Oh goodness! THANK YOU so much for your honesty!! I needed this…

DCoy

Thank you, thank you, thank you!! I’m a foster mom that is inching closer and closer to adoption. I was so scared that this was the worst thing I had ever done, for them and for my husband and I. They are overly attached and my house reeks of pee. But now I know, it’s my own inability to attach, and it will get better. After 18 months it’s gotten a lot better, I just couldn’t see the forest for the trees. Thank you, sincerely, thank you!!

Jacqueline

Hi, it’s comforting to hear other mums experiencing the struggles we are experiencing . We have a 6 year old boy who’s been placed in permeant care with us in vic, he has a traumatic background with no attachment with his birth parents. I feel hard to bond with him at all and feel I am constantly correcting him with his behaviour .my daughter feeling upset as she feels she competing with our time and love. There are constant meltdowns, name calling , lying etc. even though we are Told to keep our emotions in check and don’t display disappointment… Read more »

Nancy

Thank you for being honest and sharing!

Gwen

I needed to hear this today. Thank You.

Terri

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! I was beginning to think I was the only that felt this way and that I was a horrible mom because of it. Thank you so much for your candor and honesty. I wish you lived closer to me so I could have someone who truly understands these struggles. I live in a very small rural town and no one seems to understand the struggles I deal with with these kids. I love them with all my heart and would do anything for them, but I do truly feel closer to my biological sons… Read more »

CJL

Thanks. I am six months into my third and this one seems harder. But, he is older (7 and acts like 3) and the combined noise and orphanage behaviors get under my skin something fierce some days. I feel like I am not attaching as quickly as I did with the others. I feel like I’m too mean or unfeeling. I know I can do better, but it is a struggle and sometimes I fail. Thanks for sharing to remind me that I’m not alone in this there is a lot of normal in the struggle.

Chrystal

Thank you for this post. After our toddler adoption 2 years ago, I struggled more than I had ever imagined I would. It was a hard thing to talk about…it’s still not totally what I want it to be, but we are so much better. Thanks for the courage to speak up for all the moms who’ve struggled.

Anonymous

Thanks for sharing. Still struggling with liking a child even though he is a sweet child. The incessant attention seeking and lack of common sense or even just thinking drives us batty. Everyone thinks we’re crazy because they don’t see it. It’s such a long road and other mommas have said it seems to be a lifelong issue with them. We’re definitely not alone, besides the Lord, that is. Still it’s great to hear someone honestly share about it. Thanks!

JMartin

Thank you for sharing these experiences. I became a mama in November 2014 to 2 beautiful 4yr and 18 mo. Kids. I remember during all the congrats from friends the concern of them not staying being shared too. At that time I knew I was in denial stage of grief because all I could process was the moment and how happy I felt but the other 4 stages of grief certainly hit me during the first 5 months of caring and bonding with them. So relieved we get to adopt them this year and not loss. Bonding isn’t immediate fully… Read more »

Angie

Thank you for your transparancy.

Suzanne

So needed this today! We just adopted an almost 6 year old, he was adopted from Haiti at 3 1/2 but didn’t bond with his family and exhibited some disturbing behaviors so they abrupted the adoption. He is bonding amazingly with us and has shown none of the previous behaviors but I’m having such a hard time bonding with him! He’s noisy and attention seeking and I just want my quiet house back with our 11 and 15 year old bio kids! He’s going to start school next week so I know that will help but I’m so thankful I’m… Read more »

Brooke

I am new to reading your blog. I’m praying about adoption for our family and I greatly appreciate your honesty. I have been thinking of adopting oUT of birth order. I’m more interested in the connection than the number. Thank you for your words!

Ann

After a long fight my husband and I recently received my brothers daughter from foster care. She will be with us forever. Her mother died and my brother can not care for her. I have two daughters who are teens and a son who is just one. My niece, our new addition, has just turned two. I believe with all of my heart that having her as a part of our family and raising her as our own is the right thing. For her and us. I love her very much and want her. I am really struggling though. Something… Read more »