When Mom Struggles with Bonding in Adoption

In adoption circles, “attachment” is a big buzz-word. A diagnosis of RAD (reactive attachment disorder) tends to be the exception rather than the rule, but many adopted children have some difficulty bonding with their new parents. This is easy to understand if you think about it: children growing up in foster homes or orphanages, or in abusive families of origin (birth families) don’t learn to trust caregivers the way children should in a healthy family. In these cases, there’s nothing “wrong” with the child; it’s just harder for them to feel safe enough to allow themselves to love.

Bonding in Adoption

What about when Mom is the one to struggle?

What I rarely hear mentioned is when the adoptive mom struggles in bonding with her children. It’s not uncommon to hear about “baby blues” or postpartum depression in mothers who have given birth, but rarely do we talk about anything like that in adoption. Maybe I just haven’t read the right blogs/books or talked to the right people, but this subject seems to be taboo.

So let’s talk about it here.

I love my kids. All of them. The ones that live in this house and the ones that don’t; the one I gave birth to and the ones I didn’t. I can honestly say I fiercely love them all, but I’ve struggled to enjoy them.

I want to talk about this because I know I’m not the only one.

I’ve felt inferior and unequipped, been convinced I’m a terrible person, and have mentally beaten myself up for the so-called failure on my part to ooze affection and all the ooey-gooey wonderfulness mothers should feel and do for their children.

Of course, it’s impossible to enjoy anyone or anything while mentally berating oneself. In fact, it traps me in a cycle of more stress, more non-enjoyment of my kids.

I expected struggles bonding with a teen.

With Lindsey, I knew going in that adopting a child at nearly 15 years old would pose challenges in how deeply we might ever connect because she had fifteen years of life before I became her mother. That’s a lot of time and experiences without me.

Daughters 2012

I knew, since I’d never been the one to kiss her boo-boos or tuck her in at night or do any of the thousands of little relationship-building things parents do with their kids, that our relationship would be different. With her, this played out in the past four years as occasional conflict with me (as our personalities are nearly polar opposite) and some aloofness on both our parts. I expect this to continue to wax and wane over the years but I have hopes we’ll eventually settle into a comfortably good adult-parent relationship. Thankfully she and Ken have similar enough personalities that they “get” each other better and have always had a pretty good relationship even in difficult times.

What about adopting younger children?

My expectations with adopting younger kids were different. I spend my days doing all those little bond-making trust-building things for them: making meals and putting lotion on chapped skin and answering 300,000 questions a day and saying nighttime prayers, etc.

kids in grass

Thankfully, they seem to be doing fantastic with attachment. It was harder for Scout than for Jem, as she had more memories to overcome and more understanding of things he didn’t. He fell immediately in love with Ken as his Daddy and is comfortable with me as Mama, too. Scout seems to be catching up quickly in this. I believe they’ll both grow up healthily attached to us.

But bonding has been hard for me. {I’ve learned much about myself in the past year and will likely spend some time this year writing about how my introversion and specific personality traits/type affect my relationships.}

Key reasons I’ve struggled in bonding:

  1. Grief. Scout and Jem moved in the day after my Dad died. My emotions have been so mixed up I didn’t know which way was up.
  2. Chaos. I crave order in my home, but throwing two young children in the mix rocked my world — and my routine.
  3. Pee. Seriously, y’all. I never thought pee would be my undoing but it nearly was. For 5 months I dealt with peed-in pants. One child did it every day, and never felt the need to notify anyone; this was a subconscious way of dealing with sudden and profound change. Some days BOTH kids wet their pants. The entire house smelled like pee all the time and I did more laundry than at any other time of my life.
  4. Anger. Theirs and mine. Being screamed at, spit on, hit and kicked did not give me warm fuzzies. They weren’t truly mad at me; they were mad at everything leading up to their lives being turned completely upside down. Knowing where something comes from helps, but doesn’t make it easy.
  5. Noise. I knew I liked peace and quiet, but was always been able to deal with noisy surroundings when necessary. But I’d never actually lived with near-constant noise, and apparently I have a noise threshold that, once exceeded, turns me into the Hulk.
    {Related: I’ve learned I’m “sensitive.”}
  6. Neediness. One child in particular craves attention. Incessant talking is a primary way this shows itself; this means I cannot have an entire uninterrupted train of thought. Ever. While I understand the myriad of reasons behind it, it doesn’t make dealing with it any easier. When I shared this post by Jen Hatmaker (love her!), my Mom told me she swore I’d written it under a pseudonym. 😉

It’s getting better.

We’re nearly a year in. I’ve worked through much of the grief over my Dad. Pants are staying dry.  There’s still an occasional temper tantrum but these days the venom is gone and when they do have one it’s a “typical” kid tantrum. The chaos is mostly under control. I’ve built in some daily quiet time to help my sanity, and I’m learning other ways to deal with my sensitivities. I’m practicing living the now, which includes intentionally looking for things to appreciate in each moment and in each child.

I don’t do rainbows-and-unicorns but I believe in adoption, and I believe in God’s healing power and abundant grace. I don’t get as many comments as I did in the old days but I often get emails from readers with questions about adoption; THANK YOU for sending those because that’s a large part of why I write this blog.

As always, I appreciate when you pin/tweet/share my adoption-focused posts. There are even handy little buttons below to help you do that!

58 responses to “When Mom Struggles with Bonding in Adoption”

  1. Alicia Avatar

    Thank you Jamie for always keeping things real! I wish more adoptive families would be open to sharing a true picture of what life is like with an adopted child.

  2. Corina Avatar

    Thank you so much for continuing to share your story. I love your honesty and it’s helping to prepare me for what lies ahead. We are still waiting (approved in June) to be matched with the children God has planned for our family. Your blog has long been one that I respect in terms of telling the whole story of adoption from foster care, yet remaining hopeful about the days to come. Thank you.

  3. Ami Avatar

    Thank you for sharing your real. 🙂

  4. Stacy Avatar
    Stacy

    Thanks for sharing the ups AND the downs. Your genuineness is commendable. Be encouraged….you are growing Kingdom kids and God loves them more than you do. His plan is perfect and nothing you do or don’t do will get in His way of carrying that out. He has blessed YOU to be a blessing! And it sounds to me that is exactly what you are! 🙂

  5. Mary Avatar

    Jamie ~ I think your honesty is going to be so helpful to families going through this. I’ve been honored to witness your journey… and I’m continually praying for your precious family.

  6. Erin - The Usual Mayhem Avatar

    Thanks for being so honest, Jamie! I have a few friends who have adopted and I know they struggle with the same thing – one child of a good friend, in particular, is extremely high maintenance and 5 years in she still tests their love for her daily, making it very hard to bond emotionally. I’m going to refer the parents to your post the next time it comes up in conversation.

    And just for the record? The “Hulk”, in our house, is known as the Evil Shrieking Woman and appears on the constant noise days here 🙂 You’re not alone!

  7. Zephyr Hill Avatar

    Thank you for being so honest and vulnerable. You rang a lot of bells for me! Many years ago when I was going through some of the same struggles you are, all that was available was a little black-and-white magazine, printed on flimsy paper, but it brought me the honest sharing of parents like me, and it was a lifeline to let me know I wasn’t bad or crazy.

    I recently heard about how a mother’s personality (according to the Myers-Briggs scale) influences her mothering style, and I realized that knowledge would have been so helpful many years ago when I was raising my kids. What an enlightening concept, that your personality strongly influences your parenting style. This allows a mom to realize her strengths and weaknesses–and to realize that they are part of her God-given personality. You’re not a “good” mom or a “bad” mom because you find certain things easy or difficult. You are what you are, and you depend on God to work with you and help you do the best job you can. Certain personality types find it easy to be ooey-gooey moms, and I would have loved to be that kind! That’s not how God made you or me–but He DID know what He was doing when He gave us the children He did! May He bless you as you continue on this journey of parenting the children He has given you!

  8. Vertical Mom Avatar

    Thank you for your honesty! Knowing that this is a normal part of the process for some people will be so helpful in those moments we feel like we’ve ruined our family and it will never get better. More adoptive and foster parents need to hear about the hard stuff so they don’t feel so alone. Keep it up, Mama! You’re doing great!

  9. Kelly Avatar
    Kelly

    I have experienced these very feelings. Book titles that make motherhood sound so full of warm fuzzies would cause me to tear up because there weren’t any warm fuzzies at the time so I felt like I must be doing something wrong. Six years into this adoption journey and I still wonder sometimes if this is how it feels for all moms or just some adoptive moms?

  10. Sarah Avatar

    We do foster care. I’m struggling with this RIGHT NOW and seriously, this couldn’t have come at a better time. THANK YOU! I am struggling now, and the guilt is just eating at me. Thank you for the hope!

  11. Tiffany S Avatar
    Tiffany S

    Wow! Really. Wow. Your gentle, respectful honesty on such a sensitive topic is breathtaking. As a fan of silence, I can only imagine how hard this was to write, and yet so, so important. Adoption needs reality as much as kids need families. And once again, you show us your heart, give us hope, and quietly ditch the unreasonable burden of perfection. It is such a pleasure and honour to share your journey. Thank you.
    PS. I found Elaine Aron about six years ago and it was like exhaling for the first time in my life. 😉

  12. Michelle Avatar
    Michelle

    Thank you so much for this post. I became full-time mother to my step-son when he was 3. Bio mom decided she didn’t have the time for him. Our relationship began with me being hit, spit-on (why do kids do that?), toilet issues, tantrums, and being “kicked out” of preschool after preschool (6 total). It was so, so hard to like him. I grew to love him, but the liking part was really hard. It is comforting to know that my feelings were/are normal. I am happy with our relationship now, he is 15, still no Bio mom in the picture. I truly love him, and most of the time I even like him, but the guilt of how I used to feel still hangs around.

  13. Angel Avatar
    Angel

    Totally get this and so happy to have stumbled on this article. I am 2 years into having my adopted daughter – now age 10- and I feel like I am constantly in defense mode of myself and my biological children. There was no honeymoon period as the defiance began the evening we walked out of the orphanage with her. She definitely has trust issues as she still struggles to accept what I say without immediately disagreeing or arguing. I feel like she is always fighting me and it is so hard to enjoy being around her. Things have improved. No more biting, kicking, and rarely any screaming anymore, and she has gone from peeing her pants almost everyday to an occasional accident about every other month. I, too, am hoping I learn to like her more over time. I am hoping she learns to just relax and trust in my love and that I always want what is best for her.

  14. Pam Avatar
    Pam

    I have NEVER commented on a blog post before but felt the need to do so now. It is SO true that you rarely see anything written about the mother struggling to bond and attach to their adopted child. I have struggled with this since we adopted 2 years ago and I really related to pretty much everything you wrote! I especially relate to your sensitivity and how that relates to how you deal with your children. I discovered Elaine Aaron about 6 years ago and WOW-I originally sought information to help understand my bio daughter’s sensitivity better (really to help OTHERS understand it better, as I could already relate to her sensitivity very easily), and in the process went through a huge realization about my own HSP tendencies! When you are raised in a world where you are constantly told to ‘get over it’ and ‘deal with it’, it was refreshing to find this information and realize it’s NORMAL and even a plus in many ways, to be an HSP!
    I always have to laugh that one of the reasons we gave during our home study when asked why we wanted to adopt, I replied ‘it’s so QUIET in our house-we look forward to the noise and hustle and bustle of have a little one in our home’….and now that there is incessant noise (Incessant talking is a primary way this shows itself; this means I cannot have an entire uninterrupted train of thought. Ever-I CAN SO RELATE!) I feel like I am seriously losing my mind most days! I think being able to understand WHY I feel the way I do helps, but I still always feel extremely guilty when we clash-we are polar opposites to the EXTREME and I don’t want her to feel like there’s anything WRONG with being the way she is…it’s just not anything I can relate to (high energy, loud, risk taker, etc) and I find it hard to bond because of this.
    Thank you for this post-whenever I read something that makes me feel at least a little normal, and maybe a little LESS guilty, it’s always a bonus 🙂

  15. Chandra Regan Avatar

    I suspect that our personality types are quite similar. I have a pretty low threshold for noise, too. Although, I had to learn to overcome that when I taught in a preschool for several years. But, boy would I come home exhausted! I think that’s why I wanted to adopt an older child, because I knew how much those little ones wore me out. And the pee stayed at preschool. I can imagine how hard it’s been. Even my teen went through some of the same struggles in the first year. And we struggled because we both lost our jobs in that first year of adopting. It must have been stressful, as both my daughter and I got boils two times! I had never had a boil in my life before or since. So, yes, that first year IS hard! You’re a normal mom! Gradually it’ll feel more normal and you’ll all adjust. We’re now past the 5 year mark and we’ve come a longs way! Hang-in-there!

  16. Amanda Avatar

    Thank you so much, this is a great post! We are adopting a now-12 year old from foster care. She’s lovely and really has zero unusual behavior problems, just the normal preteen stuff. She was also blessed with a loving grandfather so she is already bonding with us very well. But still, it’s a constant struggle for my husband and I just to get used to this whole new person. And she’s hearing-impaired and we have 3 little ones so you can imagine the noise level 😉 She’s only been with us 4.5 months so we’re very much still adjusting.

    I’ve had this experience of struggling to bond before….with my second bio son who was born with raging colic. It was hard but after a year I had made lots of headway. And then of course he went into the toddler years…yikes! lol! But I adore him now, he’s a great kid and such a sweetheart. I just kept loving him no matter my emotions. So that’s what I’m doing now. I love Daisy through the emotions or lack of emotions. When I’m feeling frustrated with her I’ll go fold her clothes and put them away. When she’s been too loud and I had to ask her to please let me be alone for a minute, I’ll slip a simple encouraging note in her lunchbox the next day. I still lose patience sometimes but I just keep plugging away this whole parenting thing 🙂

  17. May Avatar

    Wow, I can’t believe it’s been almost a year! Thank you for sharing your journey, the good and the bad. I know I’m called to parent and think it may be through fostering, and it is wonderful to get a picture on how it can be to care for children in that way (although I know there are differences between fostering and adoption, and also between the US and UK systems). No family is perfect, no matter who is related to whom, but you seem to be doing a stellar job with yours!

  18. Gwendy Avatar
    Gwendy

    Jamie,
    Thanks for sharing this and linking to Jen’s post as well. It’s really encouraging, big sigh of relief to realize that I’m not the only one to pray that when I hear that little voice in the morning I don’t cringe! It’s nice to know I’m not alone in this struggle.

  19. Jen Avatar

    I hear ya on the pee! We have two who still wet the bed at night. As in every night – often through pull-ups. I have washed more loads of sheets than a normal person would is 10 lifetimes. I wish that were an exaggeration! For some reason though God called us to this life pee and all 🙂

  20. It Feels Like Chaos Avatar

    Thank you for writing this post! I have 3 children who joined our family through birth and 1 via adoption from another country when she was 3 years old. She has been home for 2 years now and I can so relate to much of what you shared and it is really a comfort because I have felt a lot of guilt over my feelings. My little girl is precious and full of life and everyone she meets loves her, but I have struggled with the warm fuzzy feelings. Her personality is very opposite mine, she is extremely loud, active, outgoing and yes, the constant talking you mentioned, and I am not any of those things! I feel like I spend way too much time correcting her — “lower your voice”, “stop running”, “slow down”, “sit down”, “calm down”, “it’s time to be quiet” and many days I have to really work at connecting with her. But, God has shown up in so many ways through it all, and changed me, refined me through it! I just had no idea that through adoption so much of MY ugliness and need for Jesus would be revealed; I thought it was about helping a child in need. Turns out that child is me!

  21. corinne Avatar
    corinne

    I so get this! Have struggled with placement of a second child despite the fact she has waaaay less behaviour problems and attachment issues than my older child. The reason – noise! Because there are two kids in my house now playing and singing and fighting and wrestling but it seems ten times as noisy. And the peeing. The endless peeing and soiling of a six year old who otherwise is bright and mature and happy. All compounded with the fact that from the week introductions began my body decided to go into some kind of pre menopausal hormone overdrive, which may necessitate a hysterectomy! Thanking God for His Grace and other moms who are willing to share the reality adoptive parenting.

  22. Deanna Avatar

    Hi Jamie!
    I am a long time reader of your blog but one that doesn’t comment much. Due in part for the reason that I follow your for the homeschooling and the adoption posts. I relate much more to these posts, really identify with these vs. posts to support ads etc … not that any of that is bad or not relational to others… but, just thought I’d comment about it because I remember a post you had a while back addressing less followers via here, face book, and so.

    I really love your blog, been reading ‘you’ since before Lindsey!! My husband and I have recently begun the journey of foster care we knew the Lord had what seems so long ago put it into our hearts.

    WOW! What you said about loving them, yes really, really loving them! but to enjoy them, even that sounds mean to me (I wrote a post recently about how I feel like the meanest mommy EVER… perhaps even more detail than I should wrote about:(
    The older child we have is just like one of yours- very very attach-y little one- mine wants to hang all over me- he’d probably even like one of those baby wraps if I could find one large enough for him to be carried every single where I go, teehee!!! Questions, questions, questions!

    The non-stop noise (and the running -he doesn’t know that his feet can actually walk him places to and from anywhere in the house, lol- but, we are improving!!) there’s no ‘indoor’ voice and I understand this is not because he is trying to aggravate the stew right out of me… it just comes with the territory, that’s all.

    Thanks for sharing- you are right, you’re not the only who probably lies down for bed at night telling the husband all about how much you feel like you’re failing those precious children that God has entrusted to you and your family. (maybe not you, but for me for sure:)

    I’m feeling better these days and making sure that I handle situations at hand with a much more gentle approach inside the same disciplines that are needed, gentle makes a whole world of difference.

    God teaches me through all of this:
    1st sacrifice
    and now 2nd:
    Self control.

    Thanks again, Deanna
    Oh- P.S. and the older one like to pick a fight with my 15 year old daughter, I can’t believe it, LOL— and it is not funny. But, I watch him purposely go out of his way to tick her buttons.
    This is a most surely different round of parenthood— I never had experienced these things with my own children mostly because they are shy of 4 years apart.
    While my two newest children are only 2 years apart (4 and 2 years old)… they do get along, but that little one actually pick the fight with his older one.

    Anyway, glad to spend a moment to ‘chat’ hope that is okay. but, mostly wanted to spend a moment to say I appreciate your candidness when you share about your family life of a most beautiful blended family and though it can be hard, as I know, your love of Jesus shines and we (I) can see it:)

    1. Deanna Avatar

      oh I think I failed to mention… our two youngest boys (foster) are siblings who were able to become reunited after a few tough placements before hand- they are both over the moon to be back together!!!!!!
      We love them …going on 6 months soon that the oldest has been here, and 2 months that they younger has been here. Their case doesn’t look so promising for reunification- and we don’t know the direction that the Lord will take us or them in all come final decisions for them, but we are their bridge of hope home, the middle place for safety from where they have come out of to where the Lord already knows their forever family!

  23. Pattie Avatar
    Pattie

    Oh my! Thank you for this post. We have been struggling about which way to go for our adoption journey and I have to say we are leaning more and more from right here in the USA. Any how your post helps me with all the possibilities that is about to come our way and knowing that when we hit those walls there are other parents out there that hit similar walls. I follow your blog for post just like this that makes the reader feel like your talking right to us. Thank you Jamie!

  24. Heather Avatar
    Heather

    You mean I’m not the only one?? Thank you so much for your honesty. My sister in law recently passed away and her 6 1/2 year old son came to live with us. After a lifetime of abuse, neglect, and hurt he is slowly (so slowly) starting to show me the cute little guy under all that hurt. While he has adored my husband from the moment they met, our relationship is definitely taking more work. While I understand why that is, it’s a challenge at times and this post was absolutely what I needed to read today.

  25. Kyle @ Aspired Living Avatar

    We adopted 2 month old babies so I have not struggled with bonding like many of my friends who have adopted older children. Though I have no doubt that we will have struggles as they grow. But so many of my friends have adopted children and have struggled with many or all of the things you mentioned. Including one I don’t think I saw, we have a friend who had a child the same age as one of the children she was adopting. She struggled with favoritism and I can sooooo see myself having that same struggle if we did that. God Bless you for all that you are doing and be sure to take a weekend off so you can rejuvenate and get your much needed peace and quiet. BTW I totally get the pee thing we recently potty trained twins. 🙂 Blessings friend! Kyle

  26. Tonya Avatar
    Tonya

    You just described ME. We are 8 months in to our adoption of a 10 year old from the system. WOW, I seriously thought it was me. Something had to be wrong with me for feeling this way. Everything you just described are all thoughts I constantly have.

  27. jacqui Avatar
    jacqui

    I feel like you just described my life with my foster daughter!!! Thank you soooo much. I really felt absolutely horrid that I had such a struggle bonding with this little child (she arrived at 3 and is now 7). Anger (and aggression towards me) urine daily …even at age 7, incessant talking, these things describe her to a tee and I just had the hardest time dealing with them. I am okay with noise, clutter and chaos, but the rest of your list…wow!!! Thanks for making me feel normal!!!

  28. Sharla Avatar

    I totally went through this too. It shocked me because we had adopted three other times with no issues (for me) and I was not expecting to struggle. It was only AFTER I was through the worst of it that I started to read about post adoption depression and also read stories of other moms who had difficulty bonding and finally felt somewhat normal and understood.
    I’m so glad you’re writing about it so that others can know that they are not alone.

  29. Shannon Avatar
    Shannon

    It is so nice to know there are other mom’s who struggle bonding with their adoptive children. Our son came home 4 years ago at the age of 22 months. Since then I have struggled so much with bonding. He seems to bond fine with my husband and my 10 yr old son. But my 13 yr old daughter and especially me, he hasn’t bonded very good. I am always berating myself and feeling like I am failing at raising him. I’ve come to realize that our personalities clash to the extreme. And some days the noise/hyper level and attitude over everything that is thrown at me, seems to be my undoing. And yes if harm ever came to him, I would be mother bear. But like you said, most days I just don’t “enjoy” being near him. But it is encouraging to know I’m not alone. And I wish more adoptive families would talk about this. I only pray that for myself, that eventually I will enjoy him and that our relationship will be as strong as with my other children.

  30. Sarah Avatar
    Sarah

    Thank you for your open and honest words. It is so easy for us moms to feel the weight of that dreaded ‘mommy guilt’. Often just hearing honest words of brave women like yourself can make such a difference and hopefully allow us to stop asking “what’s wrong with me?” I love that one of your bullet points is pee!! And I think that brings up another very important point that we need to remember to cut ourselves some slack. Bonding is not just an emotional thing. There are very scientific, physical and chemical factors that go into bonding. I am a mother both by birth and adoption, and I remember the first precious few hours after I gave birth and the nurses saying how important it was to have my baby smell me as it transitions into this bright new scary world to feel safe in the familiar smell of ME. I even think of something as (in comparison) meaningless as my stupid dog. The vet telling me to leave one of my shirts in his crate to make him feel safe. So you think of this from both perspectives…first the child, no matter what age the child first was placed in your arms, there was nothing familiar or safe about your smell. It was new, maybe scary. You add elements like different cultures with different food, perfumes, shampoos, all things that make it harder not just to get used to, but bond with. Now, from the mothers perspective….I’ll just speak of my experience so I don’t speak for others or offend 😉 my daughter was older at adoption, but not potty trained and had never been bathed. She was an angry and scared little girl who wouldn’t let my husband be within 5 feet of her. So, the comforting all fell on me. Now, all of a sudden the little girl that I CRAVED to hold in my arms for so long was here and I was almost sick to my stomach at the thought. *talk about mom guilt* I remember holding my breath to not smell the pungent odor emitting from her pores just so I could lay next to her as she screamed in a language that I didn’t understand. She had active parasites that triggered a gag reflex on first wif of her bright orange runny #2’s. Her breath was toxic, and no matter how good I would clean her, she would still have a lingering fruity BO smell. Yet I was now expected to hold her and rock her through fear filled rages. I couldn’t wait to get her home, in my clean bath tub with warm water. Toothpaste and Johnson and Johnson! But it didn’t go away….the parasites were hard to fight off, the wetting didnt stop for four years, the B.O. Only got worse as early puberty started. But you know what? I look back at those first few nights with her with an endearing eye. I did it. I met her needs to the best of my ability when NO ONE else could. I could dwell in guilt of what I was thinking at the time, but instead I choose to be grateful to God for giving me the ability to “do” when “doing” didn’t just not come natural, but was hard. And I’m proud of that. And what I would want to say to moms in the thick of it is “you are beautiful, you are strong, you are doing it with all the obstacles in the way, real obstacles that no one on the outside sees. The “rainbows and sunshine” view of adoption is not just inaccurate, but can often hurt as you feel the need to live up to some unrealistic expectation. But I see you. I see a woman that has held through the stench of urine, a woman who has given more of herself than she knew possible, a woman who has had to earn trust instead of it being gifted to her. I SEE YOU!”

  31. De Avatar
    De

    I went through a brief (2-4 weeks) of grief for my adopted toddler’s birth mom right after we got her. Even though this child clearly didn’t belong with her and she had already lost custody of a second child by the time we adopted our daughter. I think this interfered some with my attachment to her. Also she had been in a foster home where she at 2 1/2 ran the show. We butted heads needless to say. Just today however I was remembering how I was scared to take her to the emergency room with me and her 5 yr old brother who had just cut his head open. I knew that she would be into everything, not listen to me, fight me. Luckily grandpa met us there to run her around outside while brother got stitched up. Today at 16 she is a beautiful young lady who still has a ton of energy bot uses it to be helpful more than argumentative. I sure will miss her when she goes to college.

  32. Jenn Avatar

    I thank you for being SO HONEST about this dirty little secret that we adoptive mamas share. I can say that bonding with each of my children has been different. We have 1 biological child, 2 adopted and 8 fosters that have come and gone. I have loved each and every one of them, but it has not been all warm fuzzies. There have been times when I have had to force myself to remember that I love them and that I want them to know it, that shutting them out is not an option, that we WILL HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP, darnit! So thanks for sharing your struggles!

  33. Jen Avatar
    Jen

    I just came across your blog, and I’m so thankful. We adopted siblings at 3.5 and 2.5 yrs old, almost one year ago. I was just commenting to my husband last night how I feel terrible that I do not feel as bonded to our son as I do to our daughter. Thanks for sharing – makes me feel less alone =)

    1. Jamie Avatar

      Thanks for your comment, Jen. This was a hard post to share but I hoped it would encourage other folks – like you!

  34. Chris Avatar

    This is my life right now. If I were to write a blog post, it would probably depress all ten of my readers. Thanks for sharing.

  35. SARAH Avatar
    SARAH

    Thanks! Thanks! Thanks! And Thanks a million times over for ALL the posts…Feeling so alone, guilty and you name it for all that I’m feeling right now… I’m a single and at 46 decided to foster…wanted a child but wasn’t sure… Fostering seemed a safe way to ‘test the waters’ so to speak. My first child (3 days old) went from Foster to adopt in 8 months… Talk about whirlwind…I knew how I was with noise, I liked order to a certain degree…but really didn’t think all that would be affected so early in the game. Boy was I wrong and in for a rude awakening… Many of you talk about polar opposites…we are not really…she is me in certain aspects but magnified! Very independent and a talker! I’m not that much of a talker.. Bonding has been hard as she was always sick to some degree…runny nose, fevers, etc. I was always at the dr.. Being in daycare at an early stage also didn’t help…and also the crying/shrieking. She always woke up crying…shrieking…We are two years in now and still struggling… So many many different things I’m struggling with. There seems to be no recovery time for me in between the issues… But as you guys say, we plug on…I run to the Internet in my times of extreme overwhelmingness (lol) and am always encouraged when I find blogs and comments such as this… Makes me feel less of a weirdo..????????

  36. Sheryle Avatar
    Sheryle

    Appreciate your honesty. This is the first blog i’ve seen that met me where I am. We are fostering to adopt a 14 yr old girl (3months in) and my struggle to bond is real. I love her truly but attitude, lying, and the neediness in her makes me angry and emotionally exhausted. We have many good moments but wow you nailed it. I too need quiet and peace. The excessive talking sends me to retreat. My husband is far more patient but he’s not with her as much as i am! Its great to hear it will come in time. Sooo needed to hear that. Following your blog! 🙂

    1. Jamie Avatar

      Thanks so much for taking time to comment. It was a hard post to click “publish” on but I did because I know I’m not the only one!

  37. Rose Avatar
    Rose

    Oh goodness! THANK YOU so much for your honesty!! I needed this…

  38. DCoy Avatar
    DCoy

    Thank you, thank you, thank you!! I’m a foster mom that is inching closer and closer to adoption. I was so scared that this was the worst thing I had ever done, for them and for my husband and I. They are overly attached and my house reeks of pee. But now I know, it’s my own inability to attach, and it will get better. After 18 months it’s gotten a lot better, I just couldn’t see the forest for the trees. Thank you, sincerely, thank you!!

  39. Jacqueline Avatar
    Jacqueline

    Hi, it’s comforting to hear other mums experiencing the struggles we are experiencing . We have a 6 year old boy who’s been placed in permeant care with us in vic, he has a traumatic background with no attachment with his birth parents. I feel hard to bond with him at all and feel I am constantly correcting him with his behaviour .my daughter feeling upset as she feels she competing with our time and love.
    There are constant meltdowns, name calling , lying etc. even though we are Told to keep our emotions in check and don’t display disappointment to them however I’m human and sometimes I shake my head as its tough. He is connected to
    My husband but does not want me to touch him or correct him. I know I remind him of his mum who’s let him
    Down. It’s only been 4 weeks and I feel tired as. We see little improvements and hope some day I will bond with him and love him like our bio daughter.

  40. Nancy Avatar
    Nancy

    Thank you for being honest and sharing!

  41. Gwen Avatar
    Gwen

    I needed to hear this today. Thank You.

  42. Terri Avatar
    Terri

    THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! I was beginning to think I was the only that felt this way and that I was a horrible mom because of it. Thank you so much for your candor and honesty. I wish you lived closer to me so I could have someone who truly understands these struggles. I live in a very small rural town and no one seems to understand the struggles I deal with with these kids. I love them with all my heart and would do anything for them, but I do truly feel closer to my biological sons then the 4 that we adopted. I don’t feel like they will every completely let me in. It kinda makes me angry when they bring up their biological family and talk of them like they are so great and act like we have done nothing for them. I don’t know that is how they feel, but that’s how I feel. If you have any suggestions I would love to hear them. Thank you again for this post.

  43. CJL Avatar
    CJL

    Thanks. I am six months into my third and this one seems harder. But, he is older (7 and acts like 3) and the combined noise and orphanage behaviors get under my skin something fierce some days. I feel like I am not attaching as quickly as I did with the others. I feel like I’m too mean or unfeeling. I know I can do better, but it is a struggle and sometimes I fail. Thanks for sharing to remind me that I’m not alone in this there is a lot of normal in the struggle.

  44. Chrystal Avatar
    Chrystal

    Thank you for this post. After our toddler adoption 2 years ago, I struggled more than I had ever imagined I would. It was a hard thing to talk about…it’s still not totally what I want it to be, but we are so much better. Thanks for the courage to speak up for all the moms who’ve struggled.

  45. Anonymous Avatar
    Anonymous

    Thanks for sharing. Still struggling with liking a child even though he is a sweet child. The incessant attention seeking and lack of common sense or even just thinking drives us batty. Everyone thinks we’re crazy because they don’t see it. It’s such a long road and other mommas have said it seems to be a lifelong issue with them. We’re definitely not alone, besides the Lord, that is. Still it’s great to hear someone honestly share about it. Thanks!

  46. JMartin Avatar
    JMartin

    Thank you for sharing these experiences. I became a mama in November 2014 to 2 beautiful 4yr and 18 mo. Kids. I remember during all the congrats from friends the concern of them not staying being shared too. At that time I knew I was in denial stage of grief because all I could process was the moment and how happy I felt but the other 4 stages of grief certainly hit me during the first 5 months of caring and bonding with them. So relieved we get to adopt them this year and not loss. Bonding isn’t immediate fully even if you have love at first sight. Bonding comes with many emotions. I feel compassion and disappointment at times with my 4 yr old (now 5) telling me he misses his mama because with infertility I don’t have that ability to bring a child in the world who I’m his only mama.

  47. Angie Avatar
    Angie

    Thank you for your transparancy.

  48. Suzanne Avatar
    Suzanne

    So needed this today! We just adopted an almost 6 year old, he was adopted from Haiti at 3 1/2 but didn’t bond with his family and exhibited some disturbing behaviors so they abrupted the adoption. He is bonding amazingly with us and has shown none of the previous behaviors but I’m having such a hard time bonding with him! He’s noisy and attention seeking and I just want my quiet house back with our 11 and 15 year old bio kids! He’s going to start school next week so I know that will help but I’m so thankful I’m not the only mom struggling to bond! Thank you!

    1. Jamie Avatar

      I feel your pain! 😉 I didn’t realize what a creature of habit (and quiet) I was til these two joined the family. Thanks for taking time to comment.

  49. Brooke Avatar
    Brooke

    I am new to reading your blog. I’m praying about adoption for our family and I greatly appreciate your honesty. I have been thinking of adopting oUT of birth order. I’m more interested in the connection than the number. Thank you for your words!

  50. Ann Avatar
    Ann

    After a long fight my husband and I recently received my brothers daughter from foster care. She will be with us forever. Her mother died and my brother can not care for her. I have two daughters who are teens and a son who is just one. My niece, our new addition, has just turned two. I believe with all of my heart that having her as a part of our family and raising her as our own is the right thing. For her and us. I love her very much and want her. I am really struggling though. Something I didn’t think I would do considering I already had three children. She is very demanding and talks non-stop. I know this is because she’s not ever had the attention she so desperately needs and deserves. She takes toys from my son and hits and pushes him. I feel angry and sad. Confused. Alone. I miss my children because she dominates so much of my time. I am really having a hard time figuring out how to attach to her and am concerned that my fake-it-till-I-make-it will be transparent and then hurtful to her.

  51. […] blog es ideal para cualquiera que busque información y apoyo en su proceso de adopción, pero también tiene muchas piezas divertidas sobre la vida y la […]

  52. Tina Avatar
    Tina

    I truly needed to read this today, I too am struggling with bonding. He’s three and I love him but then I just had an all day tantrum that makes bonding so hard on both of us. Thank you for making me feel okay about saying that out loud

    1. Jamie Avatar

      It’s hard to say out loud but it’s also hard to hear other moms gush about how much they love their kids when you’re experiencing this. Hang in there. My girl just turned 13 and it’s getting so much better.

  53. Nina Avatar
    Nina

    Thank you for your wisdom on this matter.
    I am going through it to with my two adopted twin boys who are now teenagers. I seem to not be able to bond with them even though I want to.
    Please let me know what help you so I can get better and try it.
    Thanks
    Nina McGehee

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *