**Disclaimer: I will never suggest that anyone should remain in a physically abusive situation. If you are in danger, you must remove yourself and your children from the situation. However, this does not necessarily mean divorce is answer; God CAN work miracles and may choose to do so in the life of the abusive spouse. That would be a decision to make with a great deal of prayer.
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In my previous post, I shared the basics of my experience with divorce.
Because Ken and I have a great marriage, and are “living happily ever after,” it might be easy for someone to look at us and think divorce isn’t so bad. But we have both jokingly said that one or both of us will end up under a flower garden in the backyard before we would endure another divorce. I believe God has blessed our marriage, but it is totally an example of God turning something awful around for good.
My divorce broke me entirely; it brought me to a place where I realized I really could no longer do anything on my own. For a while, I couldn’t even get out of bed without strength from Christ. I had (and still have!) quite a lot of growing to do spiritually, but I finally knew that *I* could not be in charge of my life anymore — I had to let God have it. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment this happened, but I think it was while sitting in a heap in my closet crying my eyes out and feeling utterly broken, hopeless, and friendless.
In recent years, friends have approached me wanting to talk about the possibility of divorce. I think they expected me to say it would be hard but they should do what would ultimately make them happy; however, I did my very best to burst their bubble. Too many people, even Christians, seem to think that if you are truly unhappy, then you should divorce. Once it comes to that point, it would be VERY hard to stay — but that is largely due to the fact that nearly everything in our culture feeds us the lie that the only way out of a difficult/unhappy marriage is divorce. In reality, the way out is to transform the marriage, or more accurately, to let CHRIST transform the marriage. (I do not have experience with this, but there are plenty of people who do, if you look hard enough!)
A commenter on my previous post said her dad is thinking of leaving after thirty years of marriage, and doesn’t think his decision will affect the kids, since they are grown. But as she recognizes, that is just another lie from the pit of hell. It will always affect the children.
Before I say this, please remember that I’m talking about myself here, too:
The politically-incorrect truth is that divorce is a result of selfishness and stubbornness. I have gone round and round trying to think of any situation where it does not boil down to that, but I can’t come up with one. And it is NEVER completely the fault of one spouse. If you are considering divorce, and if you are brutally honest with yourself, you will realize this is true. Divorce is NOT the answer. Give your marriage, your life, your spouse, your situation to Christ, and realize that you will have to wait on HIS timing, which may seem impossible. But ALL things are possible with Christ — and I will be praying for you.
Wife, mama, homeschooler, dog-wrangler. Introvert who finds joy in good books, sunshine, and authentic conversation. Fitness enthusiast and strength coach. Often seen with a steaming mug of tea in hand.
Great post Jamie,
I’ve known people whose parents divorced after 25 years of marriage and it really did affect them. Thanks for being so honest here.
.-= Mari´s last blog ..National Day of Prayer =-.
You hit the nail right on the head! Thanks for telling it like it is.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’ve often wondered what exactly it is that can pull such lengthy marriages apart, but you said it all when you called it out as selfishness and stubbornness.
I’m so glad that you’ve found your love, though!
I’ll be praying for you as you pray for all of us, too. 🙂
.-= Christina´s last blog ..Celebrity involvement with the military is lacking =-.
Hi Jamie – I love that you’re posting on this. I thought you may like the letter on this blog, I read it a few weeks back… http://www.generationcedar.com/main/2010/03/a-letter-to-my-children-about-marriage.html
I’ve printed it on 3 sheets of paper and have it stuck to the back of the family toilet door… the kids (and us!) will be reading it for the next 10-20 years!!
.-= Narelle´s last blog ..I think of you from time to time =-.
PS re the dad wanting to leave after 30 years of marriage – YES, it will always affect the children. I’m on the receiving end of that. You’re taught marriage is forever all through your childhood and then it’s shattered. I’m now going all out to protect my children’s marriages from such evil – they are only 2, 6 & 7 now but they’re going to need strong foundations! I love hearing about your marriage now, especially as you acknowledge it’s God’s grace in action, and not the benefits of divorce. May God continue to bless you in all you… Read more »
I appreciate your honesty in your thought-provoking posts as well.
The reality of divorce is in such a contrast to the perceived freedom it is thought to bring.
I recently finished the Eldredge’s book “Love & War” with its constant reminder that we are in a love story set in the midst of a war.
I also went through an early divorce in my life. I think too often divorce looks like the easier option, it just isn’t. ever. It is more like setting off a nuclear bomb in the middle of your life.
Thank you so much for stopping by my blog, I look forward to reading more of you 🙂
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Discovery Green: Alice in Wonderland =-.