Fear and Judging (a post that’s not about my tattoo)
This is a post about my tattoo that isn’t really a post about my tattoo.
Wait! What tattoo?!?
The one I got myself as a belated 40th birthday present. A little watercolor-style hummingbird on my wrist. (Which, for the record, is my second tattoo.)
I should also go ahead and tell you I’m a chicken. Not about the tattoo. I’ve given birth with no pain meds; I can certainly handle the annoyingly scratchy discomfort of a tattoo.
{sitting for my tattoo; photo by owner of tattoo studio}
[Before I go further, let’s not debate here about tattoos; if you are in the anti-tattoo camp, I respect your opinion but please save that argument for another day because it’s NOT the point of this post.]
My chicken-ness is about speaking my mind. I’ve come to realize far too many of my decisions are influenced by the possibility someone may judge me. It pains me, sometimes even physically, any time someone is disappointed in me, or even if I just think they might be.
A few reasons for my hummingbird tattoo:
- Hummingbirds are an awesome example of God’s intricate design. A mind-boggling amount of engineering in such a tiny package!
- Rescuing a hummingbird years ago and holding it in my hand (so light I couldn’t feel it!) was a happily memorable experience.
- They make me think of my Granmama.
- Every time a hummingbird visits our feeder, it makes me smile. It feels like a happy little wink from God.
- Hummingbirds can fly all the way across the Gulf of Mexico — a seemingly impossible feat — because that’s what God made them to do. It reminds me I, too, can do the seemingly impossible if I’m doing His will.
I have one more reason for getting this tattoo: I want to NOT care what people think about me. Whatever I do is between me and Jesus. NOT between me and the people in my Sunday school class. NOT between me and the moms in my homeschool group. NOT between me and anyone else. I believe that in my heart and my head, but when the rubber meets the road, I turn into a chicken again.
I’m a people-pleaser to the core; this does not work well with being bold.
I wasn’t going to share my new tattoo anywhere online. Let’s face it, friends: Christians, sometimes Christian homeschoolers in particular, can be an intimidatingly judgmental bunch. (Rebecca wrote about that recently.) I felt like I’d already have enough to deal with in real life without opening myself up to more potential criticism online.
Judgmental attitudes are toxic.
This has me thinking more and more about how easily we tend to fall into judgmental attitudes. I want to see people through Jesus’ eyes. But if I want to get over my tendency to judge, I also have to get over my own fear of being judged.
So I worked up my courage and posted this on instagram:
It’s not about the tattoo.
This judging/being-judged really doesn’t have much to do with tattoos; it’s about parenting, homeschooling, blogging, skirt length, and a thousand other things.
I almost quit blogging.
In recent months, a number of things have been said and done in my offline life to leave me feeling a bit broken. People who once cared about me have expressed disappointment in who I am, and I’m not even sure exactly why. Most of my questions won’t be answered this side of heaven. After these things happened, I considered quitting blogging and social media altogether. I thought I’d just meet any remaining blog obligations I’d already made and then drop off the face of the online world since I’ll never be able to please everyone.
Putting myself out there online simply felt like yet another way I could let people down.
My blog exists in large part for me to celebrate key events in my life and to record things I want to remember in our homeschoool and beyond, but I also think of my tiny little corner of the interweb as a place to encourage others. Thankfully, I’ve received emails and comments from readers expressing appreciation for what I share or letting me know how my blog has blessed them in some way. These kind words have reassured me that doing what I’m doing is worthwhile. So I’ve decided: I’m not going anywhere. {I hope you’re relieved to hear that!}
I’m attempting to be brave.
One of these days, maybe — just maybe — I’ll learn to be brave enough to say what I need to say and do what I need to do without worrying about the response.
This post is one more little step in that direction.
Do you fall into fearful or judgmental attitudes?
In what ways, groups, or situations have you felt judged? Did/do you face it well? Or, how do you struggle most in regards to judging others?
Wife, mom, J-ma. Introvert who enjoys good books, sunshine, and authentic conversation. Often seen with a steaming mug of tea in hand – unless it’s lost yet again in the microwave. Read more »
I think that we are all afraid of being judged and I’m very grateful you will not be going anywhere! I’ve enjoyed reading your blog for years! And for the record, I think your tattoo is beautiful :). Thanks for sharing!
Thank you, Paige!!
Your blog has and continues to be an inspiration to me. Thanks for sharing your world with us. And your tattoo rocks! Hummingbirds are a treasure for all the reasons you mentioned.
I appreciate your words of kindness!
I’ve particularly enjoyed your posts dealing with adopting out of the foster care system, as my Handsome and I have been prayerfully considering becoming foster parents when our daughter is a little older. Thank you for your transparency and guidance. 🙂 And while I don’t want any tattoos for myself (and don’t really understand the draw, although many of my most-loved ones have them, including my Handsome), your hummingbird is very pretty:-)
Laurel,
If you ever want to chat more about the foster care thing, feel free to email me! 🙂
I went one step further with the tattoo … I went with my daughter on her graduation day from high school and we BOTH got them! I got a bird on my left shoulder that is colored in yellow, her birthstone, and I plan to get one on the graduation day of each of my kids. It symbolizes their leaving the nest, venturing out into their new lives. And, I just like birds! 🙂 I have been where you are with blogging and social media. I have “quit” a couple of times because of the meanness and judgments of others.… Read more »
Nicole,
That is a fun idea with your little birds leaving the nest!
You just wrote my heart, Jamie. I get all of the above, and then wonder ‘why do I care?’ ‘Who am I trying to impress that I care THAT much?’ – But it’s because I tend to be such a people pleaser that I do care so much. I just have to step back and remind myself that I am to love all people, and please only ONE. And if what I am doing pleases HIM, then all else that *should* will fall into place. And judged? YES – especially in the homeschooling (conservative) community. Goodness knows we don’t beat… Read more »
I’d love to hear your tattoo story sometime, Jenn! And thanks for understanding the battle we people-pleasers face!
I love the tattoo! Hummingbirds are special in our family, too…it’s too long to explain, but I just LOVE yours!
Anywhoo. I wish I had something insightful to say about judgmental attitudes and blah blah. But I don’t. Just know I love you with or without tattoos, homeschooled or not! 🙂
a
Thanks, Amanda! Maybe next I’ll get funkier hair. 😉
I think one problem for Christians is that they fall into the trap of thinking that Christianity means telling everyone else what their relationship with God should look like. Being a Christian is about MY relationship with God. I should express that in my dealings with others, the foundation of which should be love. I believe if we spent more time focussing on our relationship with God and less on what everyone else should be doing, we would all be much happier, much more productive Christians. Unfortunately there are too many Christians who believe they are the voice of God… Read more »
Amen, Nadine. Not much I can add to that. I do believe we’re to LOVINGLY speak the hard truth when we see a loved one walking a dangerous/ungodly path, but there are so many times we just judge because of what WE think is right, rather than what the Bible says is right.
CLAP, CLAP! Well said, Nadine!
Thank you for sharing your story, your heart, and your family with us. Very thankful you are going to continue to blog. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family. I love the tattoo! Have a great great summer!
I was raised in a fundamental church. Boy, the judgmental attitude that was pounded into the hearts of the people is astounding. Thankfully, when I was an older teen we left that church. It has taken me many, many years to realize it’s not what others think, feel, or do that matters. All that matters is what is between a person and the Lord. Sadly, I still have to fight the judgmental attitude when things arise, but the soft spoken words from the Lord play on my heart and that attitude is quickly released.
Thank you for writing this!
Lori,
It is hard to remember that, isn’t it? About things being between a person and the Lord? I fall into judging others far too often, but I want to stop that nonsense!
Thanks for sharing! I would have never guessed that you ever doubted yourself or your decisions or that you are a chicken. I’m right there with you. This is a constant struggle for me and I think it’s not that we shouldn’t care what people think, it’s that we shouldn’t let what people think change our mind. People are always going to judge, it’s just our nature. We have to make a conscious effort not to judge. But if believing in something does not mean that everyone else is wrong then why do we believe it? If you think that… Read more »
Oh yes, we still have to speak the truth in love when someone is clearly outside the will of God. But it’s so hard to keep our own judgments in check when we do so.
Amen and Amen! Nicely said!
Christianity should give us the *good judgement* to guide our own behavior, not spend so much time worrying about others. On the flip side, I recently realized that I had let some serious seeds of bitterness grow toward some people that I felt my family had been very judged by through the years. That has been difficult to let go of.
I’m glad you continue to blog. Yours is one the blogs that I find uplifting to read. You are always so encouraging, yet real. 🙂
Laurie,
Thank you for your encouraging words about my blog. And it’s surprising how easy it is for bitterness to grow, isn’t it?
It took me getting to a really broken place in my life to be able to let go (mostly) of the burden of worrying what other people think of me. It still creeps in from time to time but I know who I am and I know Who created me and I know that that has to be enough. I am always encouraged by reading your blog. It’s one that I have always come back to even when I go through periods of hardly being online because you are real and because this is a place I feel that I… Read more »
Sharla, First of all, thank you so much for your kind words. I take it as very high praise that my blog stays on your short list to read. We, too, have faced some criticism in regards to adopting. And when Lindsey went back to public school for a while, I didn’t ever hear any criticism about that, but I feared it greatly and feel like I only got a “free pass” on that because she was adopted as a teen and they couldn’t really say how they’d handle it. Then again, maybe I was being judgmental in expecting judgment… Read more »
We are to see others through the eyes of Christ and love others with the love of Christ.
That doesn’t leave much room for judgement but plenty of room for acceptance.
Wish that was as easy as it sounds…
Since ultimately we should be striving to please Him…not sure I would worry too much about the criticism of others.
Blessings, Jamie!
I relate to your heart. I, too, am a people pleaser. It is so hard when you have chosen to buck the system and go with a different flow. People feel the need to tell me what I should do, or how I am failing in their eyes. I want so much to just be loved and accepted, but I need to be who God called me to be more than I need that acceptance. It is hard at times. It feels so lonely sometimes. HUGS, Jamie!
Anna ~ Hugs right back to you, fellow people-pleaser!
I have a fear of being judged all the time. BTW I just got my 1st tattoo this yr at 33 yrs old. I got a Dove on the inside of my forearm.
I face the same impossible people-pleasing struggle. A few years ago it was incredibly hard for me to become more open about my passion for writing poetry. In today’s world, that’s weirder than tattoos! I think of it as necessary full-disclosure of who I really am. There is still much room for improvement in rising above fear of what other people think of me, but even baby steps should be celebrated. And tattoos!
We’re cut from pretty similar cloth, aren’t we, Cousin? Part of why I love you. But that poetry-writing side of you is beautiful. 🙂
This post touched my heart deeply as I struggle through some stuff. Thank you for having the boldness to do it:) And your tattoo is beautiful!
Thank you, Michelle.
Don’t know what you are going through, but I pray you find peace in your struggles.
Bravo Jamie! Bravo!
I too am a recovering people pleaser. Some days I’m bold and just all me and saying “This is ME! No one said you had to like it” and other days I’m caught in that deep rut of people pleasing and the me that shines from the inside out shrivels up a little bit more. Each day I work for it to be more of the former than the latter.
You go, Girl!
Be you, bravely and daily.
Amy,
I love that. It might become my new personal motto: “Be you, brave and daily.”
Actually, that would make a pretty cool tattoo, too. 😉
Don’t stop blogging! I’ll miss you! I do fall into those attitudes, the judged and the judging. I’ve been trying to be more on myself about judging others. I think the judgement is one of the things that has kept me from getting my tattoo {Celtic symbol for motherhood, with our childrens’ names around it}. Right now the judgements against us aren’t too bad…We’ve not gone public in homeschooling {since our oldest is only 3.5}, but we know when we do we’ll get it, we know if we’re ever blessed with another child, we’ll get it. Keep on doing, what… Read more »
We must be kindred spirits. I struggle with this very thing daily. Without going into detail there are things that are in my past that people around me do not want to leave there. Because of this one thing in my past I feel that I have been branded a sinner with no hope of ever doing anything right with my life. Nothing I do is ever good enough… I feel labeled as a permanent screw up by our family. We have three adopted children, and we are working on a second sibling adoption currently. The group we chose to… Read more »
I do fall into periods of judging others at times, Jamie. However, I have been on the other side of that judgement enough times now that I (mostly) know better! It is posts like this that helps people to reevaluate their attitudes and hopefully make changes as the Lord leads. Blessings to you!
I’m so proud of you and proud to call you my friend. You inspire me. You always have. I see your heart and know (some of) your struggles. You love Jesus and it shows. That’s it for me. That’s what draws me close to people. And yes, I see and feel the judgements of others and find myself worrying about them, wanting to change people’s opinions and clear the air. That’s the flesh part of me. I like to see that I’m not the only one that struggles with my flesh. It all goes back to believing what God says… Read more »
I love you, friend! Thank you for the encouragement!
I think you are awesome! Period. End of sentence. You are one of those friends that my not-touchy-feely, not-mushy self would hug and say “I love you” to. If you get to feeling too judged, come on over and read the post about my kid’s blue hair that really wasn’t about blue hair. Most of the comments were awesome and although I respect the opinions of those who disagree, some of them and a certain friend of mine made me want to go out and let my 11 year old dye her entire head blue. But, I really just want… Read more »
I did think about you and your blue-haired child. 😉 I heart you, too, friend!
I totally understand what you are saying! I got a tattoo last May as a memorial for the babies that I’ve lost. One of the things that helped me make my decision of whether to get it or not was my last attempt at getting over what others think about me. I had come so far, but I knew I still had a ways to go. I can honestly say that it was the final thing that I needed to do to help me not care anymore. I need to please Jesus and my husband and the rest doesn’t matter!… Read more »
Good for you for not giving up something that you love, Jamie. I’ve been there. I’ve considered the same thing. In the end I decided that I no longer wanted to write about homeschooling. So I don’t. Honestly, I really don’t even tell people that I homeschool anymore because I’ve met so many homeschoolers that are so judgemental and it hurts. My family does not fit in the classic mold. My son had a mohawk, my daughter currently has red hair. Not red as in natural looking, but red as in the primary color. You should see the looks she… Read more »
I love this post! A family member tagged me on my Facebook page knowing this would hit home. I have a half sleeve tattoo and I have some on my back. I am a Christian homeschool mom and I get judged plenty. Thank you for your blog, I enjoyed reading it!!
oh friend – really … I am just getting thru this myself. After 2:1 I got critisized big time, by people I thought were the “christian nice gals”. pah — instead I heard how I was openly talked down about. A little silly but the guilty party didn’t even know she was trash talking me beind my back to my own friend! I have wanted NOTHING to do with social media, my blog, homeschool facebook groups, women. I’ve wanted to be with my family and just be me — unprofessional, unpolished, uneducated and all real. We’ll see what God has… Read more »
Jamie, your blog is always inspirational to me! Please don’t go away! That being said, I empathize with your hurt feelings. ( I don’t know what’s happened in your personal life, and I can’t quite imagine why anyone would be disappointed in you. If you were my sister or friend I would be so proud of you and so in awe of you! And I would want to be there for you on days you weren’t quite up to snuff.) 🙂 I’m a people-pleaser, too. It would be so much easier if we didn’t care what people thought, wouldn’t it?… Read more »
Thank you for sharing your heart. I SO understand this. This is something I have been struggling with as well. First of all, I am such a people pleaser and I get very nervous about putting anything out there that might differ from other people or cause someone to judge me. I don’t feel like I fit in in the homeschool blog world because although my faith is rooted in Christianity, I find my faith in God grow when I read things the Dalai Lama said or Buddha or Muhammed. I feel called to love and embrace everyone, look for… Read more »
First, I like your tattoo – I have a couple myself. Now, my thoughts on tattoos (for me) have changed since I got them…but that is totally my view – no one else’s. And I just read a book about People Pleasing. It gave me a swift kick (in the you know what) – and reminded me about who I am here to please. You are right – it’s between you and Jesus. I think Americans have lost the ability to discuss various subjects with love, grace and humility. Everyone thinks we should all be different, unique but alike in… Read more »
I haven’t had time to read everyone’s comments so I apologize if I might be repetitive of what has been mentioned. But I totally understand about your post and fearing what people think about you and what you do. I think it is one of Satan’s tools he uses to bring disunity among Christians. I grew up in a very conservative church in GA and found myself being one of those casting judgment. As I grew, thankfully the Lord allowed me opportunities to move and become involved in different churches and be around Christians of all kinds. It has been… Read more »
That books sounds great, Nancy. I’ll be looking or it! And thank you for your kind words. If you ever have questions about foster care, shoot me an email!
Oh Jamie, My daughter who is close to your age, shared your column with me. We were foster parents for six years and hoped to adopt but enjoyed the lives we shared at the time. So I have only been following a short time. I still pray in hopes that she and her husband would consider foster adopt. When I read your post today about wanting to crawl in a hole and not participate in social media because of others… I have encountered that in the past year with a sibling that cannot get out of my business and because… Read more »
I saw your photo on Instagram and showed it to my husband and we both thought it was gorgeous! Judged? Oh gosh yes. Do you know how many ministry opportunities we have been turned down from simply because hubby has tattoos on his arms? And when I got my nose ring I felt like everyone was staring right at it (they still do – like it’s some sort of horrible pimple). But I had an amazing thing happen. A couple gals confessed to me that they had judged me when they first met me (that I wasn’t a Christian, that… Read more »
That is pretty. I love hummingbirds; they make me think of watching them with my Granny. I heard last summer from a lady who shares Jesus with prisoners that one of the most frequent comments she hears from people who don’t think they can be saved is that they are going to hell because they have tattoos. That mindset made me rethink my own judgmental attitude.
Like you, I spend too much energy worrying about pleasing people and being judged. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and please stick around in the online world!
First of all, I LOVE your tattoo! Second, I feel the same residual fear of judgement from my in-the-religious-box childhood. This past year, I got a nose-piercing and a tattoo, as well, because I wanted to and my husband liked the idea, not to prove any point. And then waited for the fall-out…which never came (except for the person who asked if I was going through a mid-life crisis…whatev). I’m glad it didn’t but I was prepared 🙂 Good for you for sticking around the interwebz. I think satan would have been a little too pleased with himself if you… Read more »
It’s beautiful. And not just the art work, but what it means to you and the peace it gives you. I am glad to hear you will not be leaving the blogging world anytime soon. I too enjoy your blog and the honesty that goes into it. There will always be those whom judge others. But there’s only one judge you should please! I too have tattoos, 7 to be exact, and yet I am a Christian homeschoolers and dearly love the Lord. Each one has special meaning to me, including the one on my wrist that means “faith” in… Read more »
First off, I LOVE your tattoo and there is so much I would love to say, but I am typing on my phone. I got a tattoo on my foot for my 40th (great minds…) and had the word ‘grace’ placed there so I could see it daily and remember to walk in it – with others and myself. I haven’t shared it publicly (those that see me in person usually can’t miss it), but it has been such a reminder to me of God’s grace in my life and the importance of extending it to others. 🙂 And…I’ll be… Read more »
It’s been on my mind for quite some time now about getting a tattoo myself… and it’s all about the pain that I don’t want to endure, teehee, and of course about the fact about what others will think about me… AND mainly because I’ve convinced my son (18 yrs) not to get a tattoo!! I’ve been meditating on scripture about what I need most to counteract my fallen nature not to have a gentle and quiet spirit. Mainly the quiet part. And so I’ve pondered between the upper shoulder or the inside of the wrist and I’ve not a… Read more »
This post sang to me. I hate to disappoint people, too, and am so fearful of judgment that I’ve deleted posts because I want everyone to like me. I certainly wouldn’t want to make anyone mad! How foolish is that? And, yes, I’ve found that Christians can often be extremely judgmental, especially in the homeschooling sector. Sad! I’m often in the minority among homeschoolers in that I lean to the left AND I’m of the Old Earth persuasion. I NEVER mention either of these qualities — out of fear. And why do I feel like I have to apologize for… Read more »
Good Golly Miss Molly! You have said what I have been feeling about the judgement of others and how I can feel physically ILL if I think I might disappoint someone. I am so happy I discovered your little corner of the blogosphere. It is nice to know I am not alone.
Thank you!
Hi Jame,
I just read this and I cannot tell you how much I needed this. I am in that Satan induced circle of being told I didn’t do enough and was a disappointment and I am letting it tear my soul and so I am judging back in defense and it is all so destructive.
This person is angry and lashing it out. I need to not let it destroy me.
Thank you for clarifying and not letting me be alone.
Blessings!,
I LOVE your hummingbird tattoo!
Hello! I just found your blog through a google search… I landed on a post about foster care and now I am here. My husband and I are starting our MAPP classes to become foster parents in two weeks and we feel so blessed that God called us to do this. I am already thoroughly enjoying your blog. Thank you for continuing to blog -we need you :). <3
Oh Jamie, so glad you’re not going anywhere {life has been crazy, thus my disappearance from the comments}. The judging and being judged is such a constant in all our lives. I struggle with it to, as I’m also a people pleaser.
I totally get this! I have battled with people pleasing for as long as I can remember. It’s taken on different clothing throughout the year and I’ve even learned to care less and be brave, but I’ve learned that comes with a price. Sometimes the ones you love drop off, b/c it turns out they only like the mousy you. The one who doesn’t speak her mind. I’ve been left broken by friends and loved ones in the past year and it hurts. It makes you want crawl under a rock and be alone b/c people suck and you want… Read more »
Thanks, Adrienne! Big virtual hugs! 🙂
Jamie, I found this post at just the right time. I am currently very depressed and ill over a lost friendship, much because I am a major people pleaser and do not assert myself. I am constantly concerned over what my closest friends think and that I may possibly lose them. I have found some very interesting information regarding this. An interesting note regarding this: I have read that when people have a hard time asserting themselves or being themselves around others it is difficult for them to love others. And of course vice versa. I found this information to… Read more »
Oooo, that’s some major food for thought. I could see that. I do tend to be very reserved in relationships; if I didn’t make a conscious effort to let my guard down, I’d probably be downright aloof. Thanks for this comment.
hi there is so good to know there’s others like me,struggling with the same stuff… I am kind hearted, just want to be accepted, a daily struggle to relax in homeschooling, although I know it is the best choice, I’ve come to know the look on people’s faces when they ask “to what school do your children go” and then you think…. here it comes…. when you say “we are homeschooling”, they go” O..” with a blank face, or they share the feeling, should they also homeschool too. anyway I still struggle finding myself and balancing everything in our home… Read more »
Thank you for your comment Rhone. We’re in it together!
Sweet Jamie,
I will be honest, I am disappointed, but that is a choice only you will have to live with.
Only God is our Judge!
Many blessings,
Yolanda
That’s true: it’s between me and Jesus — no one else.