If Someone You Know is Adopting
Do you know someone who is planning to adopt, or has recently adopted? Speaking from the voice of experience as an adoptive mom myself (to three of my five kiddos), I’d like to share a few helpful hints for those with friends or family who are adopting.
Be excited!
What would you do for a friend who just delightedly told you she is pregnant? When someone announces plans to adopt, it is like they have just announced a pregnancy; they are excited and probably a little scared about the changes this new child (or children) will bring to their life. So hug your friend’s neck and jump up and down a little!
No scary stories!
Don’t tell soon-to-adopt parents all the scary stories you’ve read or seen on the news. No Anne of Green Gables “she put strychnine in the well” kinds of things. In my opinion, this would be like telling your first-time pregnant friend all the miscarriage/scary birth stories you’ve ever heard. Your friend is mostly likely already aware of those extremely rare situations in adoptions, so your job is to be encouraging!
Celebrate!
Help your friend prepare a nursery/bedroom for the new child, throw them a baby (or kid) shower, etc. They will likely need STUFF but even more than that, they need to know you’re there for them and a party is a wonderful way to celebrate.
Watch your words!
This child is their own, not like their own. Once adopted, this child will be as much their own as if they had given birth to him or her. Don’t over-think what you say, but do try to be aware of your words so that you don’t unintentionally hurt your friend — or the child, if he/she is old enough to understand.
Pray for them!
Ask if they have specific prayer requests, but even if they don’t, make sure they know you’re praying for them. It’s one of the best ways to show your support!
Adoptive parents: What suggestions would YOU add to my list?
Wife, mom, J-ma. Introvert who enjoys good books, sunshine, and authentic conversation. Often seen with a steaming mug of tea in hand – unless it’s lost yet again in the microwave. Read more »
To add to your “watch your words” – – don’t use the term “real mom/dad” when referring to my daughter’s biological parents – I am her REAL dad and always will be…
So many of my friends that have struggled with infertility have been told, “just wait until you adopt – you will surely get pregnant then.”
When we adopted we had a great support system. I always asked people to keep holidays/birthdays simple. Many people felt the need to make up for our children’s time not in a family and lavish them with gifts. I know that they meant well but it was extremely overwhelming for our girls, and then they began to expect gifts.
Don’t say things like “what a wonderful thing you are doing” or “those kids are so lucky to be adopted by you” or anything else implying that the adoptive parents are some kind of saints. This is just awkward, and I don’t even know how to respond to it. We see a need and we are doing what we can. We were excited about our kids when we were pregnant, and now we are excited about the ones that will come to our family through adoption. I would certainly hope that no one will say anything like this in front… Read more »
I agree with what Christie said, I get that all the time, and it is very embarrassing b/c I didn’t do this “to do a good thing” and I feel like I am the one blessed by these children, not the other way around. Both of our boys were in our home as foster children first, and then adopted much time later. When the adoption date came, I realized I didn’t have any cards, or keepsake items given to me like I had for all my bio children. When my children were born, I had showers, cards, things made for… Read more »
I welcome questions about fostering or adoption and I want to answer all their questions. But they also need to be considerate when asking questions. One inappropriate question is “How much did it cost?”.
Great post and comments! This is so timely for me because some good friends are almost through with the process of adopting their Russian children. It’s been along process with lots of painful starts/stops and there has been much encouragement and prayer along the way.
My favorite suggestion is that of sending cards or gifts for the kids like one would for a newborn. Never thought of it, but now I definitely will be shopping for these two sweet kiddos! ~K
Jamie, we have been blessed to become good friends with a family who has adopted two children from China – we have learned so much through their experience and even more through watching their boys come home and join their “forever family”!
Wonderful post! You should do anything you would do for someone giving birth….regardless of age. Meals during the bonding process, cards, 1st Christmas ornament (not a baby one if they are older, but one none the less). Our foster baby girl (2nd out of 5) becomes a Curfman tomorrow. She has always been OURS as long as the state said so, but tomorrow she gets a new name! My friends have been wonderful and supportive to the point that I am almost embarrassed by how good they are to us! I hope you are all friends like that OR have… Read more »
I adopted an older child from fostercare. One thing that I find really awkward and rude is when people want to ask personal questions about my child’s past. That is her story to share, not mine. Please just help celebrate the beginnings of a new family and let the past alone. My family threw a “Welcome to the Family” party for our daughter right after she moved in our home. She was showered with things for her room and money/giftcards to spend on clothes and decorating her new space. She was so excited and it gave her a chance to… Read more »
Hi. Great post! So, my parents adopted me when I was 10, after 5 years in foster care. I feel like I was lucky that someone still wanted me, at such an age =) Here are somethings my parents told me/did: When I got picked on for my “real parents” not wanting me they told me they wanted me more..they got to choose me, lol, and the people I was born to are simply my BIOLOGICAL parents. I do have REAL PARENTS. I didn’t know they were fake =D I was never made to feel like they didn’t love me… Read more »
Britt,
Thanks so much for sharing your perspective! As an adoptive mom, this is very helpful for me to read!
May God continue to bless you!
This is a great discussion! I would add to ask the Lord if you might be called to come alongside the family for the long- haul. We have 7, 3 birth and 4 adopted from Russia as older children. Even after 10 plus years we need friends to be willing to come alongside us in prayer and to reach out to our children. In the early days it was wonderful to have someone who would help us keep up with a sense of normalcy for our birth daughters so they didn’t feel like their lives were overtaken by the needs… Read more »
Beth — Yes, that’s a great one to add!
As an adoptive mom of older kids, one of the things that was frustrating for me was when people would ask me what happened to their parents. I’ve always told my girls that what happened before we adopted them was their story and they could choose to share it with people if they wanted. Here are my suggestions for supporting your friend after they’ve adopted: Don’t ask how the kids ended up as orphans. It’s just not polite…and it’s really bad if you do it in front of the kids. Don’t say things to older children like “You’re so lucky.”… Read more »
Our 5 year old daughter has been in our family for 5 months now. We are still bonding, adjusting, etc. We (the parents and siblings) need to be the ones taking care of her needs; we really need others to always ask our permission before giving or doing things for her.
I’m not an adoptive parent: I’m an adult adoptee. I wanted to weigh in on what Beth said above because her advice has affected my life. Every member of the family is important to the adopted child. Everything my parents did for me growing up meant more because the extended family never treated my sister or me as though we were different. It made our lives easier, and helped us to feel as though we were part of something. There are some members of our family, however, that aren’t interested in sharing things such as our family tree, and who… Read more »
Thanks for all these comments. I close friend is waiting for his child… I’m so excited but well not always you know how react to this situation!
Such a great experience… just a different way to create a new family 🙂
God bless all you moms!! 🙂
“Be Excited” is such a good one. We have had so many folks not know how to react- our advice to people is treat it like a pregnancy. Ask questions. Check in. Buy gifts. Dote on the family.
Michelle
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