Introversion is not a social disorder
A dozen or so years ago, I was accused of having a social disorder. Because this is the internet, I’ll omit the details, but the accusations came in the form of affidavits intended to be used against me in a court case, and were from people who supposedly knew me well.
I knew their words weren’t true. I’ve never had a hard time making friends. Yes, I was a shy child, but since my teens most people have thought of me as somewhat outgoing. And no one with a true social anxiety disorder could work as a waitress in a busy restaurant, as a receptionist in a doctor’s office, or any of the other people-involved jobs I’ve had over the years.
Nevertheless, the accusations hit deeply.
I could think of examples that, when taken the wrong way, almost made the accusations seem valid. Like how I was the only one on a group vacation who needed to slip away for alone time. Or why I never looked forward to attending a half dozen holiday gatherings. Or all those times I didn’t want to stay ’til the end of a party… I hadn’t thought any of this strange before, but I began to wonder if maybe my behavior really was abnormal.
The accusations made me question myself down to the core of who I was. How was it that these people did not see me for me?
Rather than trying to prove them all wrong, the accusations made me want to isolate myself. Those people removed themselves from my life, but I became wary of sharing my inner thoughts with anyone — even the friends who’d stuck by me. I developed stomach issues that flared up whenever I was required to go into a new situation with new people. My circle of friends grew small. For a while, I felt as if the accusations had become a self-fulfilling prophesy.
I didn’t entirely hide myself away; I still worked and I still had friends — but I was more guarded than I’d ever been. As time went on, I ventured little by little out of my safety zone: I joined a group for homeschool moms, became the greeter for my Sunday School class, led a Bible study group at my house, hosted holiday gatherings for friends and family, attended blog conferences…
Doing those kinds of things helped restore my faith in myself, but the biggest help by far was reading a book called Quiet.
Maybe it sounds overly dramatic to say Quiet changed my life, but there were too many “a-ha” moments to count as I read Susan Cain’s writing and research on introversion. Not only did I begin to understand why I think and feel and act the way I do, I also found great comfort knowing I am not the only one.
Our society is still set up to favor extroverts, but thanks to books and blogs and TED talks, more people are learning what introversion is, and that we’re not a bunch of socially awkward hermits.
Introversion is not a social disorder; in fact, we have some pretty awesome strengths.
I believe I was created on purpose, for a purpose. My introverted personality is a large part of that. It’s not a disorder, and I don’t need to be cured. Of course, I’ve got plenty of room for personal growth, and personality shouldn’t be used as an excuse for ignoring that — but understanding my personality is vital because if I don’t take care of myself, then I can’t give my introvert strengths the room they need to flourish.
Are you an introvert, or just trying to understand us? You may enjoy this more lighthearted (but just as honest) post on How to be Friends with an Introvert.
Wife, mom, J-ma. Introvert who enjoys good books, sunshine, and authentic conversation. Often seen with a steaming mug of tea in hand – unless it’s lost yet again in the microwave. Read more »
It would be so easy to flip it around in a parallel universe and make it seem like extroversion was the social disorder: the person who talks constantly and seems to be afraid to be alone, the person who stays up all hours partying, the person who hated sitting still or down-time. The reality is that people are all different! I’m sorry that you had such a horrible experience, but glad you’ve recognised that there’s nothing wrong with us 🙂
I’m so sorry you experienced that! It sounds awful. As an extremely extroverted person from a large, social family, it has taken me a long time to understand some things about my introverted husband. Thank you for sharing.
I also have an introverted husband & a son. I use to get so mad at my husband and it really took God doing some things in my life that helped me to understand. I think I have some introverted characteristics that have developed over the years..or maybe I’ve just learned a whole lot from the wonderful man I’ve married. I think having an introverted man in your life can be really hard if you don’t stand back a bit. I HAVE A STRONG SILENT MAN..that does not mean he is nonverbal, it just means he doesn’t need to yap… Read more »
Well said! There’s much beauty in gentle quietness. Thank you for sharing yours.
I’m close to the middle of the road, but always tend to be more on the introverted side. Glad to know that you’re learning to appreciate and share about your strengths as an introvert. I’m trying to remember what your personality type is. Mine is ISFJ.
We’re close; I’m an INFJ.
My daughter and my brother are both INFJ’s, which is interesting since it is considered the rarest type with only 1% of the population being INFJ. I feel privileged to know at least 3, including you!