My how to be friends with an introvert post resonated with many, probably because we know we can be confusing to the extroverts among us. Introverts don’t typically need or want dozens of friends; we’d often rather have a small circle of true friends. We tend to hang onto loyal friends, sometimes our whole lives long. But it can be hard for us introverts to make new friendships — so what happens when life puts us in a new town, a new job, a new church, or simply in a new season of life?
Our struggle to make friends isn’t because of shyness; not all introverts are shy! It’s mostly because we engage the world a bit differently than our extroverted friends, and our society tends to be geared towards the extroverts among us.
So, from one introvert to another, a few tips on how to make friends:
Be brave.
Comfort zone are cozy but you’re unlikely to make friends there. Consider joining a club to meet people with similar interests. Perhaps a book club, a Bible study group, an art class, a photography club, a fitness class/group… The same suggestion goes for students in a new school. Or if you have teeny kids and very little adult conversation, maybe a mommy-and-me class is worth a try.
Be bold.
Talk to people you don’t know: your new neighbors or co-workers, some of the folks in your new group/club, or the other moms at the playground. You might hit it off with someone you wouldn’t expect, so keep an open mind.
Be vulnerable.
It’s scary to open up to someone who hasn’t yet earned your trust, but it’s the only way friendships can ever develop depth. Obviously, use caution with what you share; your deepest darkest secrets are not appropriate to share with new acquaintances, but if you choose to stick with superficial conversation, that’s all you’ll ever have. But keep in mind that friendships don’t all have to be incredibly deep; sometimes simply having another mom to chat with while the kids play, or a co-worker to lunch with occasionally, may be exactly what you need at a particular stage of life.
Keep trying.
Even if you get out there and talk to people, you simply won’t “click” with everyone you meet. It doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. At the very least, you’ve likely had some interesting conversations and experiences.
Remember: this is a worthwhile endeavor!
“It seems to me that trying to live without friends is like milking a bear to get cream for your morning coffee. It is a whole lot of trouble, and then not worth much after you get it.” – Zora Neale Hurston
–> Introverts, when was a time in your life you had to do this, and what other tips do you have for forming new friendships?
I’m a big fan of authentic conversation and always appreciate hearing what you have to say. Thanks for reading.
5 responses to “An introvert’s guide to making friends”
I recently learned that I am an introvert. I always thought I just didn’t like people! But that’s not true. I just like a few people a whole lot better. Everyone else drains me. I remember a girl telling me one time that I was really hard to be friends with. Now that I look back I think, “no, YOU were really hard to be friends with.” Why was I the difficult one, just because I didn’t want to be involved in every single thing her clique was doing? (And don’t get me going about cliques!) It have learned that it’s okay for my husband to be my best friend, for my mom and adult children to be my closest friends, to not feel like I have to constantly call and spend time with my other friends who are fellow sports moms, Bible study moms, etc. (We can just be friends when we are doing those activities.) My advice? Keep asking us but don’t be offended when we say no. Text us to ask us instead of calling or confronting us personally. We need time to really consider whether we can “handle” the activity. If you call us or confront us we will probably say yes and maybe regret it later. I need time to process how it fits in with my cocoon schedule and other activities. If it’s going to drain me, I won’t be much fun anyway and you would prefer that I had not accepted the invite.
I’m definitely an introvert too. It makes going to things like conferences etc hard, because I don’t like small talk! I do love to talk – most of the time, but I like to talk/listen about meaningful things. It is worth it to keep trying even when you don’t connect with someone on the first go around!
Yes, small talk makes me want to poke out my eyes. 😉 Someday when we meet (speaking positively here!), we’ll just skip the small talk and jump into big stuff, okay!?
Totally agree, Nicole!
I hear you, ladies! Maybe that’s why it feels a lot safer to send messages through the internet. Let’s treasure those few special people in our lives, but be open to possibly getting to know a few more, just one-on-one, would be nice!