Next month, Ken and I will celebrate our 8th wedding anniversary. I love him more and more as time goes on. Getting here, however, has been a bumpy ride.
We’ve recently started helping out in a Sunday school class for newly married couples. The leaders of the class are delightful long-married folks, so I think, as the only “older” couple with a history of divorce, we’re there as the what-not-to-do couple.
In this brand new class, we’ve been getting to know the couples by having them talk about themselves, answering a few questions about themselves, how they met, and so on. One question asks, “How did you know he/she was ‘the one’?” After a few couples answered this, the class leader confessed that this was a bit of a trick question. Sure, it’s a romantic idea, but is there really such a thing as “the one”?
I’ve been thinking about this. Our culture talks so much about finding “the one.” Movies, television, books, and popular songs all revolve around finding “the one.”
Believing this idea of “the one” is dangerous territory. If the relationship fails, it must be because he/she wasn’t “the one” for you; this takes responsibility out of our hands and diminishes the lifelong commitment that marriage is intended to be.
A break-up (or divorce) is never entirely the fault of just one person. We must be able to admit our mistakes, poor choices, immaturity, selfishness, etc. so that we can learn and grow.
The idea of “the one” says if you are unhappy in your marriage, you must’ve married the wrong person; it says this one couldn’t possibly be “the one” because the right one would make you happy. But friend, let me tell you: that’s one of the biggest lies out there.
I should know. I’ve been there, done that.
Believing you might’ve married the wrong one means that when hard times come (and they will, at some point), divorce seems like a good option so you can be free to find the right one. It also throws the door WIDE open for affairs.
Nearly everything I’ve learned in marriage I’ve learned the hard way, including the truth about “the one.” How can you know you’ve found the one? When you stand before God and vow to love, honor, respect, and cherish the one standing before you — that’s the moment you’ve found the one.
For me, that happened on a spring-like day in March 2005, when my grace-giving Father allowed me, despite all my sins and selfishness, to stand hand-in-hand and exchange vows with the man who became the one.
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This post is part of 14 Days of Fulfilling Your Vows. Click on over to read more marriage-related posts AND enter to win a big ol’ pile of fantastic marriage-focused books!
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Twitter: anarmychapswife
says:
Thank you for this!! I’m going to print it off and make it mandatory reading for my older teen!
Seriously though, what the world and the media feeds our kids (and us) about relationships is so wrong, and it’s so essential to have people who will speak truth about commitment and love.
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Twitter: CarlieKercheval
says:
Jamie, such a great post. It is so true that people spend their lives aimlessly searching for the ONE that will bring them perfect joy in marriage. And as you and I both know, the ONLY ONE who can do so is Jesus. Once you’ve found HIM, then you’ve found the one that those empty songs the world sings are longing for. I like how you also point out that people tend to take no responsibility for their side of the troubles they may face in marriage chalking it up as this must not be “the right one for me”.
Thank you so much for sharing your heart and being a part of the 14 Days of Fulfilling Your Vows series! Bless you sweet sister!
Thank you for your wonderful post this am. I just celebrated my 25th wedding anniversary on Tuesday! I love my husband so much and I will tell you that we also have had a bumpy road at times and yes we have gotten through things together. This is a second marriage for both of us and when we met my husband had 2 daughter and I had 1. Together we made a family and now have 4 beautiful grandkids. Whose to say that my husband is “the one”? All I know is that he makes me happy, I enjoy spending time with him, we make a great pair. We have worked hard to make this happen. I don’t think that you can look at someone or spend time with someone and know that they are the “one” – I think spending time together and falling in love with each other makes them the “one”…Boy I tell you I know what I want to say but I am having a hard time putting it into words. So I will end for now but thanks again for sharing and have a wonderful weekend!
Jamie – thank you for being such a wonderful example of marriage, parenting and a life of faith!
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Terrific post, Jamie, filled with wise words. I like your point about the idea of “the one” removing personal responsibility and opening the door to separation and affairs. Reminds me of the quote about love being a choice. We have to continually choose to love our spouse each day and not allow thoughts of divorce to enter our minds.
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This is really fantastic! Thanks so much! And happy anniversary!
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Twitter: laurke1
says:
You are absolutely right. Its one of the more accepted lies in our culture! I pretty much fell for it, but luckily God pulled me through the hard times and we’re looking at 13 years of marriage in April!
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Thank you Jamie for all your post and your example in the Faith Thank you
Excellent ideas shared in this post! What I’ve experienced in my marriage is that now after 9 years (10 in June) I wake up almost everyday thanking God for bringing “my one” into my life. We didn’t start out on this journey because we thought we’d found “the one” but that’s exactly where this journey has taken us…
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Twitter: PprmintNPaisley
says:
Great post. I know that God already knows our end from out beginning and definitely has a plan for us (including our future spouses) and I believe that with His guidance we will find the right one (eg Isaac and Rebekah), I don’t subscribe to the notion of a soulmate. We have free will and I think part of that free will is choosing the spouse and choosing to honour God in that relationship through the good and bad. I believe both parties need to be agreed on that.
I am not yet married but this is my perspective.
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Great Post! There is no ‘the one’. My wife and I used be presenters for Engaged Encounter. I agree with the media sending us off on a wild goose chase for the one. Worse is the media portrayal of what the one should be like. I could go on and on about media portrayals. One of my favorite sayings from the EE was ‘A wedding is for a day, Marriage is for a lifetime’
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Hi. This is interesting and i agree with your points but it leads me to a question..if the one youve married is always “the one”, how would you know when to divorce?
Twitter: jamieworley
says:
A,
This isn’t something I can answer in just a sentence or two; in fact, I may have to write a whole post in an attempt to do justice to your question.
Thank you…looking forward to it