At the top righthand corner of my giant to-do list is a smaller list of “Goals” I jotted down since before Christmas. Things I’ve been thinking about for quite some time.
Be all there.
As I’ve tried to come up with a “word” or theme for the year, I keep coming back to what sums up all the rest: live. As in, live this life.
I’ve been thinking about it often since writing that post about John Evans.
I’ve looked up definitions (because that’s just what this word nerd does), and a few I like are:
to enjoy being alive;
to exhibit vigor, gusto, enthusiasm;
to be thoroughly absorbed by or involved with;
to experience firsthand; to have a rich live experience.
And a few synonyms: delight, abide, flourish (bear fruit), bloom (opposite of wither), revel (celebrate).
I’m an observer. An introvert. And that’s okay. But sometimes I forget to live. I worry, I fear, I plan, but I don’t live.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve stifled emotions entirely too much. I don’t even know how to stop stifling them. I hold back part of myself, even from Ken. Maybe it’s some sort of self-protection mechanism, but I’m tired of it.
It’s been worse lately because of some things that are breaking my heart. My kids have noticed it, although I haven’t talked to them much about it. Ken knows and I have talked to him about it. Most of it, anyway. Some things I can’t quite put into words yet.
But I don’t want to keep holding back.
This year, 2012, I want to start living.
I want to participate more than I observe.
I want to be mentally “all there” when I’m with family or friends or in quiet time with God.
I want to love more, and better.
I want to get outside, enjoy creation, and get fit.
I want to overcome fears that hold me back from living.
I want to live this life for all it’s worth, for all the days I have.
I want to live for Jesus who saved me from myself and redeemed this life of mine.