At the top righthand corner of my giant to-do list is a smaller list of “Goals” I jotted down since before Christmas. Things I’ve been thinking about for quite some time.
Be all there.
As I’ve tried to come up with a “word” or theme for the year, I keep coming back to what sums up all the rest: live. As in, live this life.
I’ve been thinking about it often since writing that post about John Evans.
I’ve looked up definitions (because that’s just what this word nerd does), and a few I like are:
to enjoy being alive;
to exhibit vigor, gusto, enthusiasm;
to be thoroughly absorbed by or involved with;
to experience firsthand; to have a rich live experience.
And a few synonyms: delight, abide, flourish (bear fruit), bloom (opposite of wither), revel (celebrate).
I’m an observer. An introvert. And that’s okay. But sometimes I forget to live. I worry, I fear, I plan, but I don’t live.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve stifled emotions entirely too much. I don’t even know how to stop stifling them. I hold back part of myself, even from Ken. Maybe it’s some sort of self-protection mechanism, but I’m tired of it.
It’s been worse lately because of some things that are breaking my heart. My kids have noticed it, although I haven’t talked to them much about it. Ken knows and I have talked to him about it. Most of it, anyway. Some things I can’t quite put into words yet.
But I don’t want to keep holding back.
This year, 2012, I want to start living.
I want to participate more than I observe.
I want to be mentally “all there” when I’m with family or friends or in quiet time with God.
I want to love more, and better.
I want to get outside, enjoy creation, and get fit.
I want to overcome fears that hold me back from living.
I want to live this life for all it’s worth, for all the days I have.
I want to live for Jesus who saved me from myself and redeemed this life of mine.
Wife, mom, grandma. Introvert who finds joy in good books, sunshine, and authentic conversation. Fitness enthusiast and personal trainer. Often seen with a steaming mug of tea in hand.