I haven’t really talked much yet about our subsequent adoption. Partly this is because there are so many more things to consider this time around, and partly because this isn’t a done deal. I relate this to marriage, in that, just because you’re “ready” to get married doesn’t mean your future spouse will immediately *poof* right there in front of you, ready to walk the aisle. There’s far more to it.
As I’ve said before, when we adopted Lindsey, the things I’d feared all turned out to be pointless concerns with no substance to them. However, we were blindsided by completely different issues that we were unprepared for. So we approach this now with with a bit of wisdom from experience.
We also have more to consider as far as how another adoption will affect the children we already have — and that’s key, because our first responsibility is to the children God has already given us to parent.
Our family dynamics now are entirely different than they were three years ago. There is much to consider in regards to how this will be for Lindsey. In those past three years, Kathryn has had huge changes, too: not only a new sister in our household, but in her dad’s household, she has a new step-mom, step-brother, step-sister, and a new baby brother.
Sometimes it bothers me that our family will never be normal. I know, I know: “normal” is just a setting on the dryer, but what I mean by this is that we will never be the only parents for any of our children (unless I miraculously conceive), and our children’s siblings will never all live under our roof. That’s hard. Really hard, in a myriad of ways. Adding another child will add another layer of not-normal. Some days, I’m okay with that — but other days, I just don’t know how much I can handle.
We’ve had calls about a number of children, far more than the first time around. Sometimes we recognize that a particular child’s situation or difficulties simply will not mesh with our family, so we have to say no — but the hard thing is this: because of Lindsey, and because of other foster children we’ve met in various way, I know in a way I didn’t a few years ago that every call we get is a REAL child who needs a family. So sometimes, saying no feels like playing God.
So we pray for guidance.
One boy in particular has been often on my mind. Ken and Lindsey have met him, and perhaps that encounter — Lindsey’s encouragement to him to allow himself to be adopted, and Ken doing photos for his adoption profile — was all there was of the Lord’s intended overlap of our lives. But maybe not. On paper, he’s not the child we want to adopt. There are complications there that would definitely kick our not-normalness up a few notches. On several occasions recently, I’ve told God that He’ll have to be very clear in showing me that this kid is the one, if He wants us to pursue this. Then I put it (and him) out of my mind. Until this boy pops back in again.
There are hard days, when I can’t seem to figure out how the heck to parent the kids I have, and on those days, I wonder, “What am I thinking? We can’t add another child to this equation. Not now.” But I’ve recognized that this is Satan’s doing: giving me these doubts because he doesn’t want us getting in his way. I wholeheartedly believe that adoption is a mission field right here in our home, so that makes it something Satan doesn’t want us doing.
This isn’t really a post that wraps up all neat and tidy. It’s just letting you in on where I am right now — in this not-normal, blended and adoptive family with teens and preteens, and one son getting married in a few months. Your prayers are very welcome.
(Oh – and something else to share! Looks like our family will be interviewed next week for a local television show on adoption, specifically the importance of permanence in a child’s life, so I’ll let you know when I have details on when that will be on the air.)
I’m a big fan of authentic conversation and always appreciate hearing what you have to say. Thanks for reading.
8 responses to “Pondering Adoption #2”
“Then I put it (and him) out of my mind. Until this boy pops back in again.”
That really jumped out at me, because it’s how I feel about adoption. My husband and I have 4 children, ages 7,5,3, and 11 months. For the last few years, I feel like God has been calling us to adopt. But I keep telling Him that I can’t because it’s just too scary (and I have lots of little kids, and I’m tired!). So He lets me drop it for a while, but He always keeps bringing it back to my mind. And He doesn’t let me drop it for long lately. But, like you, I’m also concerned about how it will affect the children we already have. Eek. So we’re praying about it.
Anyway, I mostly wanted to tell you that I appreciated your honesty in this post. Thanks.
Heather,
I will say, that even though all of this is on my mind, the thing I keep coming back to is this: it’s not about me. Selfishly, I want a little child to snuggle and train up just how I’d like — but is that what God wants for me right now, or is there another older child (even another teen) that He wants me to mother?
Thankfully, I’ve learned that He is patient and persistent, so keep praying, and He’ll show you what to do.
I know what you mean. I have a sibling group of 4 now, and at the moment (not having yet met their mother), I cannot see them going back to her at all. However, it could easily happen, as I’ve only had them 2 weeks, LOL. Its so hard to get these kids, become attached, have my mind wander down adoption road, and simultaneously work on keeping them attached to the birth parents and providing them support so they can get their kids back. So Hard. Hard in a different way from the questions you posed, but still those same questions have gone through my mind, with almost every child we’ve had in our home. We have #’s 10-14 in our home now, in just 2 years of doing this! I trust that eventually, the right window or door will open wide and we will adopt, but now isn’t that time. I pray and hope that you will clearly see what God is asking of you, and that you have the strength to do it!
Thank you for sharing this! You have been so encouraging to me today. We are in the process of adopting through the foster care system. So much of what you talked about is right where I am. We were persuing a sibling group that we found out was adopted last week. I really felt like God had laid them on my heart but had always said whether its to adopt or just pray for I knew he kept bringing them to my mind. When the reality of them not being “mine” hit it was hard to face. I am trusting him everyday and every step. I want to rush it but I know his timing is perfect. We also have 3 kids (9,7,21months) that we have to think of in this too. it can all be overwhelming…especially on days like today when I feel we are getting nothing done in school and the baby won’t stop crying! But I know God has called us to this and I know his plan is perfect. It may not be the easiest road but I know the eternal reward is worth it. Thank u for your blog!
Thank you for sharing! It’s almost as though you were writing about the decisions and feelings in our own home currently. I wish you much success in your journey!
I enjoy reading your blog, especially when you talk about adoption, which is a subject near and dear to my heart. One day I’ll get our story written down, but the short version is that after being foster parents for 3 years and having 8 placements, we finally said yes to a little 3 1/2 year old girl who is now our daughter. She is 6 1/2 and big sister to our miracle baby, whom we conceived after 6 years of doctors telling us it was impossible (even after 3 rounds of infertility treatments) and 3 months after our daughter was placed with us. We have now been fostering for 6 years and just said yes to a legal risk placement of 2 boys, ages 3 and 7. We continue on in faith, open to adopting these boys if that is what God orchestrates for all of us. Our family is nowhere near “normal.” I have to consider things in raising 3 out of 4 of our kids that most other parents never have to consider. We too believe that his is our primary mission field for now. And we are overwhelmingly humbled that we have been called to this.
Praying for your decisions and that God will guide each detail. (We hope to be adding a daughter to our family in the next month or so, so you will be in my thoughts!)
Enjoying reading your blog! Blessings today! Thanks for sharing your life with others … completely inspired!