Most of my life has been rather sheltered. My eyes were closed to the pain of this world.

I’m not so sheltered anymore. Most of the hurt in my own life was brought on myself, consequences of my own sins. But the hurts that make me long for heaven are the ones of so many people I’ve met in the past few years:

The children whose parents hurt them, intentionally or not. Those who spend years in foster care or orphanages. Those who probably should be removed from their homes but haven’t. Children anywhere in the world who are starving, or suffering disease.

The parents we’ve served through Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. Babies just aren’t suppose to die.

Those whose physical bodies betray them. The pain they endure. From cancer — or any other disease. Even my dad who can no longer easily talk or swallow, and feels his dignity is gone because of it.

Our friends whose son fought cancer 13 years before being released from pain and suffering last month.

A dear friend whose little boy died of the flu almost two years ago. Friends whose little girl drowned. A blog friend who lost her littlest boy in a tragic accident a little more than two years ago, and the one who lost laid her son’s little body to rest today. A real-life mom I know who just today shared with me the story of losing her fourth child more than four years ago, when he was just 2 1/2 years old.

So much pain. We live in a broken world. But it won’t always be this way. And therein lies our hope.

Something I’ve been thinking about a great deal lately is that we have no idea how many seemingly idyllic homes contain great suffering behind their doors. The first time this really hit me was when our friends began hospice for their 21-year-old son. Driving by, you would not know they were waiting and grieving as this young man in the “prime” of his life died painfully. As I’ve driven to and fro lately, I keep wondering how many homes are currently dealing with something like that. And until Jesus does return, how do I minister to them? I don’t have any answers yet, but I am thankful God is beginning to open my eyes. One of the most difficult but necessary prayers I’ve ever prayed (and continue to pray) is this: Lord, break my heart for what breaks Yours.

I pray He continues to break my heart.

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I’ve mentioned John, the young man who passed on to heaven recently, and his very memorable, worshipful memorial service last week. Yes, I still plan to blog about it. Until then, a mutual friend shared this link to a sermon from pastor Louie Giglio at Passion City Church. Louie attended John’s memorial service, and was one of the many people who was deeply affected by John’s service — and proof again that one life can make an eternal difference.

Please take time to watch this awesome sermon: “Fully Alive“

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Lately, I’ve been restless.

restless |’rest-less|
adjective
offering no physical or emotional rest; involving constant activity or motion

synonyms: restive, fidgety, edgy, worked up, agitated, anxious, keyed up; jumpy, jittery, twitchy, uptight, antsy.

Why all these restless feelings?

The “easy” answer is that I’m a planner, and it drives me crazy when I can’t have a plan for everything. We are going to list our home for sale soon, and I don’t know if it will sell, or if it does, how quickly it will sell. So I don’t know if we’ll move, or where. I don’t know if I need to organize school stuff here, or pack it all for a different house. I don’t know when we’ll find a cheap but decent car, so I don’t know what outside activities I might or might not be able to plan for our upcoming school year. I still have some school-year planning to do, and I still don’t know how to help Lindsey have joy in learning. I struggle daily in how to win and keep the hearts of my children. Some days I feel completely incompetent, which is not a good feeling for a planner like me.

The ifs and maybes and hows and whens are driving me crazy right now.

I can’t see into the future, and the good Lord doesn’t usually see fit to let me in on His plans until I’m pretty far down the path with Him. Probably because He knows I’d take it and run with it, not waiting on anything further from Him:

Just give me that To-Do list, and I’ll take it from here, God.

The “hard” answer as to why I’ve been so restless is that all that other stuff is just a little dusting on top of the real issue. The real issue is that God is working on me and in me — and that’s never comfortable. I’ve put this verse on my bathroom mirror where I see it multiple times every day: “Be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.“

It is a much-needed reminder. Years ago, when I was an itty bitty baby Christian, an older Christian friend explained to me about evaluating whether things needed to stay in my own “In box” or if they were too big for me and needed to go in “God’s In Box.” At the time, it seemed like wise advice, and I lived by it for many years:

I’ll take care of everything I can, and save the really big stuff for you, Lord.

But I’ve learned that I really cannot take care of ANYthing on my own. He is able. I am not. I must lay the ifs, maybes, whens, and hows at His feet. At this moment, I am completely at my wits end. But all of this is temporary. Earlier in the week, I came across this quote from Billy Graham, and I rest in this reminder:

“I’ve read the last page of the Bible. It’s all going to turn out all right.“

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Yesterday, my sister’s mom died after a seven-month battle with pancreatic cancer. Sandy wanted to come home to my sister’s house, and had asked that when she passed, her husband would be holding one hand, and my sister — her only child — would be holding the other hand. That’s just how it happened, only hours after hospice brought her to Debbie’s house. I am heartbroken for my sister, my nieces, and for Sandy’s husband. (Their 25th wedding anniversary was just last week.) Cancer is not kind.

I’m making a slideshow for Sandy’s memorial, and came across this old photo. It makes me smile; she looks like she is simply enjoying life. And that’s what we ALL should be doing. Every. Single. Day. 

Sandy - enjoying the moment

Recently, I have heard several stories of freak accidents, like a woman who died after falling on an escalator at the mall. I know several people who are currently battling cancer. Every one of these stories is heartbreaking — but they all remind me that life is short. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us. I have always been able to easily imagine worst-case scenarios; going to Africa last year was just about the scariest thing I’ve ever done, but I finally realized that if it is my time to go — if the number of my days is done — then I will go, whether I am flying over the ocean, staring down a bull elephant in musth, or just sitting on my couch at home. Oddly, this is very freeing, if I can get my mind wrapped around it, because if it is NOT my time to go, then I won’t.

I pray that the LORD will teach me to number my days carefully (Psalm 90:12a) and to truly make the most of the time (Ephesians 5:16a).

**Sandy’s family has set up a memorial page to raise funds for pancreatic cancer research. If you would like to contribute, you can do so here.

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I have this lovely little devotional book, given to me by a friend after being recommended by a few other friends. It’s Jesus Calling. These short devotions are written as if Jesus is talking to you, and I can’t tell you how many times I have felt like Jesus truly is talking specifically to me in these devotions. Like today. So I’m sharing part of today’s devotion:

“… View problems as opportunities to rely more fully on Me. When you start to feel stressed, let those feelings alert you to your need for Me. Thus, your needs become doorways to deep dependence on Me and increasing intimacy between us. Although self-sufficiency is acclaimed in the world, reliance on Me produces abundant living in My kingdom. Thank Me for the difficulties in your life, since they provide protection from the idolatry of self-reliance.”

The “idolatry of self-reliance” part hits hard.

There are always a few reference verses to go along with the devotion, and today, this one jumped out at me:

“I am the vine; you are the branches. The one who remains in Me and I in him produces much fruit, because you can do nothing without Me.”
John 15:5

There are quite a few things going on in my life right now where I need clear direction and discernment from God, the only source of true wisdom. I’ve been worrying and stressing about these things, to the point of having my weirdly irregular heartbeat thing happening again. Unfortunately, I am stubborn and have to be reminded of this over and over, but the truth is I don’t have to rely upon myself; I simply need Jesus.

I have an odd talent for finding four-leaf clovers. Just this week, I’ve found seven, and I wasn’t even really looking.

My mom is the same way. We also have a knack for finding typos in books and such, and I think the four-leaf clover thing is somehow related; to my eye, the anomaly of the four-leaf clover among a patch of three-leaf clovers just jumps out. I find them even as I’m walking along. It’s probably also related to my spazzing out when things are cluttered; things out of place make me kinda crazy.

Back when I was younger, I was somewhat superstitious. I avoided things like walking under ladders just in case, and when I was really little, I remember wondering if my mom’s chronic back pain could be related to my stepping on cracks in the sidewalk. (“Step on a crack, break your mother’s back.”) One day when I was sixteen, I found two four-leaf clovers, and later that day I wrecked my car. After that I decided one four-leaf clover must be lucky, but two must cancel each other out — so for years I would purposely NOT look anymore after finding one, just to make sure I didn’t find another!

But now, I don’t believe in luck. I believe God is in control of everything, and what many people call luck should more accurately be called a blessing. I think four-leaf clovers are fun to find because they are different. They stand out from the rest of the crowd. These abnormal clovers are considered special because they are different. I want to be like the four-leaf clover; I want to be different, too.

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:2

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Yesterday was a difficult day. The details are unimportant to this post, and maybe I’ll write about it later, but I was up til 2AM ranting and raving (to myself) and talking to God. I was finally exhausted enough to sleep, but I was not looking forward to today; it was one of those times when what I really wanted to do is retreat like a turtle in its shell and hide from the world for a while.

But “His mercies never end. They are new every morning…” (Lamentations 3:23) So I made myself get up and get ready. Last night I did NOT want to go to church at all this morning (the turtle thing), but the fellowship with other believers was just what I needed, and the Sunday school lesson EXACTLY addressed what I was dealing with. Which is odd, since it’s not a topic we usually deal with much in our class. Some would call that a coincidence — but I don’t think there is any such thing as coincidence.

And then the songs in worship today were just what I needed. Like this one:

“Heal my heart and make it clean;
Open up my eyes to the things unseen;
Show me how to love like you have loved me…”

And then the sermon — about honoring God and doing His will even when we face opposition — spoke to me as well.

This is one of those days where I just can’t fathom how anyone can NOT see that there is a God who is actively involved in our lives. Faith is not something I can literally touch, see, or feel, but I know that the God of the universe is intimately concerned with the details of my life.

Dogwood blossoms

“How can I keep from singing Your praise?
How can I ever say enough,
How amazing is Your love?
How can I keep from shouting Your name?
I know I am loved by the King,
And it makes my heart want to sing”

I pray that you may see Him at work in your life as well.

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cattle grazing

I took this photo as we sped down the highway so there is a bit of blur, but I love the newly green grass and the frolicking calf. Doesn’t it just ooze springtime-ishness?

On our trip home from Tennessee yesterday, Ken told the girls about a game he used to play on road trips: you count the cows you see on your side of the road, and whoever has the most wins. BUT if you pass one of those free-standing chimneys where a house once was, you lose all your cows. That happened to Kathryn after she had 176 cows, and she was not a happy camper. Of course, those cows were never really hers to lose in the first place.

That made me think of this verse:

“I have no need of a bull from your stall
or of goats from your pens,
for every animal of the forest is mine,
and the cattle on a thousand hills.”
-Psalm 50:10

Just this week, while we were doing nothing more than enjoying a family vacation, God was busy working out the details of some financial issues in our lives. One thing after another just kept showing us that He is taking care of things. We’ve said for years now that God must be doing our book-keeping, because there are plenty of times that things just shouldn’t add up on paper, but somehow they do. It’s been even more evident since we finally began tithing several years ago. God doesn’t need the money we tithe; it is simply a way we are demonstrating obedience and acknowledging that He truly does own everything — our home, car, clothes… and the cattle on a thousand hills. It’s when we forget this that it becomes so easy to fret about finances.

This isn’t just about money, though; this translates to absolutely everything in our lives. I have to keep re-learning this truth: God is in control. Period. And I am so glad He is.

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