Lately, I’ve been restless.
offering no physical or emotional rest; involving constant activity or motion
synonyms: restive, fidgety, edgy, worked up, agitated, anxious, keyed up; jumpy, jittery, twitchy, uptight, antsy.
Why all these restless feelings?
The “easy” answer is that I’m a planner, and it drives me crazy when I can’t have a plan for everything. We are going to list our home for sale soon, and I don’t know if it will sell, or if it does, how quickly it will sell. So I don’t know if we’ll move, or where. I don’t know if I need to organize school stuff here, or pack it all for a different house. I don’t know when we’ll find a cheap but decent car, so I don’t know what outside activities I might or might not be able to plan for our upcoming school year. I still have some school-year planning to do, and I still don’t know how to help Lindsey have joy in learning. I struggle daily in how to win and keep the hearts of my children. Some days I feel completely incompetent, which is not a good feeling for a planner like me.
The ifs and maybes and hows and whens are driving me crazy right now.
I can’t see into the future, and the good Lord doesn’t usually see fit to let me in on His plans until I’m pretty far down the path with Him. Probably because He knows I’d take it and run with it, not waiting on anything further from Him:
Just give me that To-Do list, and I’ll take it from here, God.
The “hard” answer as to why I’ve been so restless is that all that other stuff is just a little dusting on top of the real issue. The real issue is that God is working on me and in me — and that’s never comfortable. I’ve put this verse on my bathroom mirror where I see it multiple times every day: “Be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.“
It is a much-needed reminder. Years ago, when I was an itty bitty baby Christian, an older Christian friend explained to me about evaluating whether things needed to stay in my own “In box” or if they were too big for me and needed to go in “God’s In Box.” At the time, it seemed like wise advice, and I lived by it for many years:
I’ll take care of everything I can, and save the really big stuff for you, Lord.
But I’ve learned that I really cannot take care of ANYthing on my own. He is able. I am not. I must lay the ifs, maybes, whens, and hows at His feet. At this moment, I am completely at my wits end. But all of this is temporary. Earlier in the week, I came across this quote from Billy Graham, and I rest in this reminder:
“I’ve read the last page of the Bible. It’s all going to turn out all right.“