Every homeschool parent has heard some variation of The Question:

“What about socialization?”

In my first few years as a homeschool mom, I went to great pains to explain all the ways Kathryn interacted with other children. Now further along in my homeschooling adventure, I realize socialization is a bunch of malarkey.

Encyclopedia Britannica defines socialization as:
“the process whereby an individual learns to adjust to a group (or society) and behave in a manner approved by the group (or society).”

The real question is, do I want my children to “behave in a manner approved by” kids their own age? Which brings me to a story about our dog.

Puppies are {sort of} like kids.

When we brought WonderDog home from the rescue group at six months old, she played far too aggressively with us, mouthing and chewing on us. Kathryn couldn’t play with her at all. We quickly taught her what she could and could not do, but we realized the problem had been caused by spending her days running and playing with many other young dogs in a rescue home. There was no adult dog to reprimand them with a nip when they got too rough, nor was there any human with time enough to train them all. She and the other dogs were perfectly socialized with other puppies — but that did not prepare her for life as a family pet. (Now, for the record, she has learned how to be gentle.)

It sounds a bit odd to compare puppies to children, but once I realized the reason for our dog’s behavior, I realized children can pick up this puppy-pack mentality as well. More recently, I’ve seen this with our 6-year-old daughter. After years in daycare and a year in public school, she picked up habits from her classmates — mostly in the form of a whole lot of sass. The things she talked about and the words she used came from other kindergarten mouths. Now that she’s been home nearly four months, she has expanded her conversational topics and her vocabulary has grown by leaps and bounds. {Asking for “assistance” rather than “help,” for instance!}

After the kids had been here a few months, our caseworker noticed our 4-year-old’s speech had dramatically improved; he hadn’t been in speech therapy, but was having far more conversation with adults and older children than when the majority of hours in his day were spent with other four year old kids.

Life isn’t about spending time only with people our age.

Can you imagine if your Sunday school class included only people your age? Or your workplace? Or your book club? Or if you could only hang out at the pool with neighbors whose birthdays are within one year of your own? BORING! That’s not real life, but this is exactly what traditional schools expect from children.

From the time I was little, I learned that younger children could be a lot of fun, and folks significantly older than me were usually doggone interesting when I took time to listen to what they had to say.

These days, I am blessed with friends a decade or so younger than I am, as well as decades older. And I like it that way. I learn much from both ends of the spectrum.

Why would I want my kids to conform?

This article describes socialization this way:

“Successful socialization can result in uniformity within a society. If all children receive the same socialization, it is likely that they will share the same beliefs and expectations. This fact has been a strong motivation for national governments around the world to standardize education and make it compulsory for all children…”

Here’s how a dictionary defines it:
so·cial·ize (v.)

1. To place under government or group ownership or control.
2. To make fit for companionship with others; make sociable.
3. To convert or adapt to the needs of society.

Definition #1 sounds downright scary. The other definitions seem innocuous at first glance, but do we really want to “fit in”(definition #2), or to conform to society (#3)? It is absolutely possible to be a contributing member of society without conforming to what society deems as “normal.”

I get it. I really do.

Most folks who ask about socialization mean well. They are not plotting against homeschoolers, but they are uninformed. Though I may think socialization is a load of you-know-what (and I may have to suppress an eye-roll), I do not say so. Those who have taken the time to know us well have seen for themselves that this is not an issue; those who don’t know us will continue to think whatever they want to think — but I can still reply with a gentle attempt to enlighten them about the sometimes strange world of homeschooling.

So…

Dear Well-Meaning Askers,

The truth is, I don’t want my children socialized. I don’t want them to conform to what others think they should be. I want them to be who they were made to be, and right now, I want to be the primary influence in their lives.

To ease your concerns, I should tell you my kids are involved in all sorts of outside activities with other kids: church choir, concert band, field trips, enrichment classes, and more. Even more importantly, they “socialize” with all ages as we go about our days: helping me shop, telling the chiropractor about our memory verse for the week, talking to the man who installed our new play set, and daily interacting with older and younger siblings.

I want them to learn to care for and interact with people both inside and outside of our home. Yes, I’ve known families who have made that happen with their children in public school, with a great amount of intentional parenting, but we choose to do this through a lifestyle of homeschooling.

Read more on homeschooling and the “S-Word” from the iHomeschoolNetwork bloggers:

Jamie

Wife, mom, J-ma. Introvert who enjoys good books, sunshine, and authentic conversation. Often seen with a steaming mug of tea in hand – unless it’s lost yet again in the microwave. Read more »