adoption

Invisible special needs in adoption

If you see my two youngest children at church, at the grocery store, or wherever else we may be, you’ll see cute kids who almost always remember to use good manners and are delighted to give you a hug, even if they just met you. Though they might interrupt our conversation 743 times, they will still manage to be adorable, and if you’re like most folks, you’ll tell me so.

invisible special needs in adoption at seejamieblog.com

It’s in the everyday nitty-gritty 24/7-ness of life that problems become noticeable. When special needs are “invisible” to those outside the home, it’s frustrating and can make parents like me feel isolated, a bit crazy, or judged by those who don’t have the whole picture.

On the surface, my children have no special needs. No IEP, no medical issues, nothing on the outside that anyone would notice. Unlike many adopted children, they did not come with a file full of acronyms like ODD, RAD, or PTSD.

Just because a child doesn’t have a special needs diagnosis doesn’t mean they haven’t been affected by traumatic beginnings.

For those unfamiliar with our story, we adopted our two youngest kids from foster care. At just 3 and 5 years old when we met them, they’d already experienced trauma and neglect and upheaval and impermanence during their earliest years.

My boy, now six years old, can still kick into shut-down mode, and can be super sensitive about things I wouldn’t expect. Mostly, though, he is a surprisingly well-adjusted little boy who has an especially great bond with his daddy. He’s somewhat immature emotionally, but not as much as his beginnings would suggest.

Oh, but my girl. In her early days with us, her anger bubbled just under the surface, ready to rage at any moment; that has improved drastically. It really is a miracle she is so bright and cheerful. Her personality is far different from mine, which makes for it’s own challenges, but sometimes, some days, we do just fine.

Reading about it doesn’t prepare you to live it.

Looking back at the paragraph above, I’m almost amused; “fine” must be a matter of what you get used to. Though my girl is intellectually and chronological eight years old, in many ways she’s far younger. Trauma books tell you that kids get “stuck” at whatever age the trauma began, but it’s impossible to explain until you’ve lived it.

To quote Kristen Howerton in this great post,

“This is the point at which adoptive parents start to nod in recognition, while parents of typical kids interject that this is normal kid behavior that all kids engage in. And this is the point where I tell you: NO. It’s not the same. It may happen on occasion, but it’s not as purposeful and constant and desperate.”

I’ve read the books and the blogs, researched online, looked for advice in forums and in real life. I understand where these behaviors come from, I know why she acts as she does, and I know what needs to be done for healthy attachment — but it’s so hard to do what needs to be done because it’s just so always, and the days seem so long.

The hardest thing about parenting any child, I think, is the weight of long-term responsibility. It’s not just about dealing with the day-to-day; babysitters, nannies, even foster parents, are all responsible for children while in their care — but the long term outcome falls on the parents. For my adopted kids, I want to break generations of dysfunction. I want them to be emotionally healthy, responsible adults who don’t fall into abusive relationships or drugs or jail. If they choose to have children someday, I want them to be safe, caring parents.

I’ll never be a perfect parent; I know that and I don’t expect that of myself. But I often wonder if I’m doing a good-enough job to overcome all the previous junk they’ve lived. Or if that’s even possible.

Grace for mama bears (& everyone else).

And sometimes, to be brutally honest, I get downright ticked at their birth parents because we’re the ones dealing with the fallout of their poor choices. I don’t want to be that person; I want to be full of love and compassion, not judgment. Yes, I signed up for this, and yes, I’m in it for the long haul. No, I can’t imagine the pain the birth parents must feel and probably guilt, too. But despite how deeply I want to feel empathy for them (and sometimes I do), the fact remains that they caused the hurt my kids continue to deal with. I’m a flawed human and a mama bear, y’all.

So again, I come back to grace. I have to count on grace. It’s the only possible way any of this will work out, the only way I’ll get through today and tomorrow and all the tomorrows until they are grown.

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Tina stone

So I’m crying as I read this & as I type this reply! I’m crying b/c I’m angry for the very same reasons as you so perfectly explained, I’m crying b/c I’m broken for my grandson (soon to be adopted son) for the very same reasons, I’m crying b/c our kids are not the only ones that are going through this! You totally nailed the whole thing, as if you read my mind & heart & that makes me cry too. Thank you. I couldn’t have said it better myself, I couldn’t have explained it without crying or wanting to… Read more »

Whitney

Always thankful for your perspective, Jamie. We finalized our adoption from foster care in November of 2013 and you always seem to capture right where we are. Thank you for shedding light on families like ours.

Lisa

We have had our two beautiful boys for 3 years (we also have one older son) and I have been a therapist working in foster care for nearly 20…I thought I had read just about every article and book around. But this. This has me in tears. You just hit the nail on the head in so many ways. The view from outside…the constant and never- ending ways that one of my little guys manages his big feeling….the fears for their futures….all of it. Thank you. Thank you so much for putting it all into words and validating our messy,… Read more »

Brenda T.

Yes, yes, yes!!! We have a 10 year old, adopted from foster care at the age of 4, who is “normal” to everyone who looks on her from the outside. People have often “poo-poo’d” us when we try and describe her need for kind, loving, firm structure in order to keep her behavior regulated. They think we’re “too hard” on her, or our boundaries are too strict. We don’t want to malign our daughter, so we are very cautious about who we share information with. And I wish there were a way to explain to others that, though your child’s… Read more »

Amanda

Yes! I was nodding my head along this whole post. I was just discussing with my mom that my daughters preschool teacher hasn’t seemed to ‘believe’ me when I try to explain that what is going on under the surface is far different from my daughters peers. The outside behaviors may appear the same, but the underlying mtoviations, inner turmoil, and coping skills are completely different! I feel like the teacher nods her head but doesn’t really listen or believe me because my daughter is so cute and sweet and well behaved most of the time.

Lindsay

Thanks you for writing this we have 5 children the two youngest are adopted they were 18month and nearly 3 when they came to us to foster then adopt (12 yrs ago). I cant believe the love i have for these boys, but the heartache sometimes I feel will finish me off. We still now live day to day some days are amazing and I’m so grateful for those days. I said to one of them it would be really great if we could have one full day without upset. his reply:- what are you talking about mum I was… Read more »

Mary S

What you say reminds me of the wife of one of my husbands friends who tells me anytime we are around them that my son’s are doing the same things other kids do and she will not or cannot understand that their autism and anxiety has them doing these things for reason’s completely different from the average kid.You totally get it.Now that my oldest is 21 and still doing things that most 5 year old’s know not to do,occasionally I’m starting to see the gleam of understanding in her eye’s.

Todd

This post reads as if it were written watching our family. We have a beautiful, precocious six-year-old daughter just like this. We took her in as a foster placement when she was 14 months old and finalized our adoption when she was almost 22 months. She is sweet and bubbly to everyone, and we receive many of the same “she is so cute” comments. What nobody else sees is that inside she is a bundle of issues, wrapped up like an onion. Only after we address and start to work through one issue is the next one revealed. In the… Read more »

Bonnie

She could have been telling our story. We adopted sisters at 3 And 4 years old. They are 9 and 10 now. To others they appear to be your average 9 and 10 year old, but there are a lot of struggles that they have due to early trama, before they had language, that affect both physically and mentally. Abuse, starvation, exposure to drugs around 1 and 2, burns, neglect, starvation, low birth weight, late mildstones, behind emotionally, physically, socially. They have a plethora of diagnosis. They lack social skills needed to interact with peers. They have a hard time… Read more »

Leah Chandler

Although my adopted son came to us at 5 days old, this really describes him now at age 3. The damage done by his birth mom’s in utero abuses is ours to deal with. People tell me all the time how their child was very active at his age too, and he’ll outgrow it as he ages. What they don’t understand is that he’s got life long issues to overcome. Exhausting but oh so fulfilling to be his Mom!

Megan Glor

This is me/may daughter (adopted at age 2, internationally) too. Wonderful, “lively” girl, and some real dark places and difficult behaviors. I adore her and so many moments are difficult. Please keep writing. You are speaking for many of us.

Ahmy

I am just figuring out blogging and Pinterest. I came across your website. Thank you. You covered sensitive issues that I have been dealing with for the past few years. She is now six and emotionally and socially still 3 1/2. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I can’t stop thinking of how you put it, how the special needs are invisible.