Last year I started working outside the home. I desperately needed to remember who I am outside of my role as mom and homeschooler. Parenting a child with attachment disorder rocked my world in a way I wasn’t prepared for; motherhood had always felt like my “thing” — what I’m good at, what I feel most fulfilled by, felt called to — but I started to feel like a failure at life because parenting was suddenly so much harder. I’ve even imagined alternative lives I could’ve chosen. Like maybe in a monastery on a farm where I could be in charge of baby goats. Is that a thing? Once upon a time I had two adorable little goats that looked just like this guy and they were SO FUN. Actually, if goat-raising nuns really are a thing, please don’t tell me because I’ll be better off living in ignorance.
Working in a field I’ve become passionate about allowed me an escape from being Mom all the time. Although some may not think of personal training or instructing fitness classes as earth-shatteringly life-changing work, I see it as encouraging and equipping others to live their fullest lives. It has given me purpose — and I’m good at it, which is a something I needed to feel again in these tough parenting years.
As a huge bonus, I’ve made friends and connected more deeply in the community. As an introvert, that doesn’t come easily in a new town.
But lately I’ve [re]realized that every yes is also a no.
This “every yes is a no” phrase isn’t new to me but it’s in the category of things that I tend to forget. On days when I’d do classes at two different locations, then personal training sessions, and didn’t even have time for a quick shower before taking a child to therapy after school, I knew something needed to give. Then this post popped up in my feed and the phrase resonated as a much more concise way of explaining what I’d been feeling.
I asked myself: what do I need (and want) to say yes or no to at this point in life?
I add that emphasis at the end of the sentence because choosing certain yeses or nos right now doesn’t mean I’m ruling them out either way in the future, and that’s an important caveat to remember. I enjoy what I’m doing now but I’ve been saying too many NOs to things like:
- putting in a tiny vegetable garden
- finally making my flower beds look pretty
- hours out on the water in my kayak
- nature studies with my youngest
- art/creating time with my teen
- spending time training the dogs so walks are enjoyable
- play days at the beach and/or park
So once again I’m re-working things. I’ve thought and thought, and talked and talked, and written lists, all in order to decide what is most valuable to me and is the best use of my time at this stage in the life of my family. Many of my current yeses will remain so but some have to go. For instance, I’ll continue to teach my fitness classes but I’ll be backing off personal training.
My thoughts on unschooling haven’t changed (in short: it rocks) but I will be more intentional with what I consider the keys to our homeschool. This is where I need the most room for yeses. It’s just a darn shame our little town doesn’t allow livestock because I could totally say yes to a baby goat.
*adorable goat photo courtesy of pixabay.com
I’m a big fan of authentic conversation and always appreciate hearing what you have to say. Thanks for reading.
10 responses to “Choosing my yeses”
Such wise advice! I think that’s always been the hardest part of parenting/homeschooling for me is trying to decide between the yeses and nos. And I’m totally laughing at your goat-raising nun dream; mine has always been to live on a cherry farm in northern Michingan and I don’t even really like cherries, lol!
Great post Jamie. This is a constant consideration for me. I’m a strong boundaries person (by nature and by nurture) and so I’m always evaluating how what comes in displaces something else, sometimes to the point of over-obsessing about it.
Loved your thought of living on a goat-raising monastery.
Maybe my goats can eat cherries from your farm? Ooo, I’ve had a cherry preserve sort of thing on goat cheese and that was yummy. 😉
Thanks, Renee! Sometimes my people-pleasing tendencies do make boundary-enforcing more difficult, but in this case it’s because I’ve had to realize I can’t do ALL the things I want to do — so I have to remind myself which ones are right for NOW and which ones may be right later on.
Kiss Ken and the kids goodbye!!
http://www.lancasterfarming.com/farming/livestock/get-thy-goat-to-a-nunnery/article_bc7c863e-31c4-11e7-9787-bb7f0d109d2d.html
Oh my gosh, my dream could come true!!!
I’m sure there are a lot of elderly sisters who would benefit from your fitness classes too!
I could have SilverSneakers nuns!!! I hadn’t even thought of that! 😉
Hi Jamie, I just discovered your blog. I’m a mom of 6 girls, 5 adopted from Ukraine (between ages 3 and 17 at adoption). I haven’t been on the adoption blogosphere for a while because my youngest is 21 and we’ve gotten past all of our biggest parenting hurdles. However, I really love your posts about the weirdness of adoption and being a real mom and a real grandmother (I have 14!). So many of your stories resonate with me. Two of my girls ran away as young teens, and we had some teen pregnancies. I have to tell you, though, I never thought it would end up as good as it is now, as a mom to adults who were older-child adoptions. A kid who once hated me and spent years in “troubled adolescent schools” now calls me regularly just to say she loves me. Another daughter I didn’t see for a year and a half now visits weekly with her four kids and is always showering me with love. Love multiplies all the time!
I have wondered at times if there is a readership out there for a blog about what happens when older-adopted kids grow up. I have a book manuscript about my adoptions, but I didn’t pursue publication after a New York agent turned me down. I’d still like to do something with it when I retire next year. I’m a professor at a big state university. It’s been hard to spend time on writing that’s not peer reviewed, but that’s all about to change. Do you think folks would read a blog or a book about what happens after the tough ones grow up?
Yes, I think so. Maybe not a huge readership but for those living with the tough ones, a book like that offering a real yet hopeful look at the future might be just what they need to hear.