international adoption — See Jamie blog

Biggest Hurdles in Adoption

on April 26, 2012

I am an enthusiastic adoption advocate, but as I’ve said before, I never want to paint such a rosy picture that families enter into the process blindly. Today’s post focuses on some of the challenges within the adoption process, as well as what you can do even if you don’t feel called to adopt.

What was the biggest hurdle in the adoption process?

10 Days of Adoption at See Jamie Blog For us personally, the biggest hurdle in the adoption process was when a communication fail at our agency resulted in our paperwork being misplaced for months before we even knew about it. I was upset about this at the time, but once things got rolling again, everything went very quickly.

But I’m just one mom, so I’m sharing answers to this question from other adoptive parents, including those in domestic, international, and foster-adoptive families:

“For us the hardest part was the uncertainty; the process in Ukraine seems to change with the wind, and there was always some new regulation or rule or change in paperwork or risk of shutdown or delay. It was difficult to learn to focus on the things we could control and to just let go of the things we couldn’t control.”

“We’ve adopted twice from our state’s foster care system. Our daughter’s adoption was a dream, no birth family visits, she was free for adoption the second we brought her home, and the whole thing was wrapped up 6 months after. Our son went 2x a week on visits with his birth family and we had to fight for his rights to be heard in court. We didn’t feel like we had enough say in the court hearings. But in the end, the truth came out and really, God gave us strength to stand up and be heard.”

“We could not get over how much “silly” info that was requested from us. For example, we have a septic tank that needed to be inspected; we had to have physicals, which included blood work, and we knew these were just the “hoops” to pass through but there are so many situations in a biological birth that there is no info needed. The paperwork is overwhelming.“

“Our hurdle was a bit different from most. Our 1st placement was removed from her previous foster home after they had already been given consent to adopt. Before they filed their petition to adopt some charges came about and she was removed from their home and their home was shut down as a foster home. They filed to adopt her anyway and we had a huge custody battle in court that lasted a year and a half. It was a long, tiring battle but after a year and a half we got the verdict that she was ours.”

“We did not really encounter any hurdles, the process was involved but not difficult. I think the hardest part was waiting to get kids after we were certified. I would go to our agency’s office once every other week to look at profiles of kids who were new to the system, that was always very sad for me – first, when I didn’t see any who felt like a good “fit” for our family and vice versa, and also to see how many new kids were in foster care each month, just in our area.”

“I was shocked and appalled at how centered the court was on [the birth mother's] needs at the expense of the girl’s needs. I wanted to minister to her but not at the detriment of the girls. There seemed to be no balance.“

“It feels like all the different departments don’t communicate with each. Your lawyer doesn’t have the information that your caseworker has, and your caseworker doesn’t have the information that your adoption worker has. This is why it’s very important to keep good records so that you are the one who has ALL of the information. Remember that you are only one of a very large caseload, and no one will care as much as you do.”

“The path that we started down was not the path we ended up on, yet where we ended was exactly where God wanted us! Most likely your adoption will not end up exactly as you envision it… but it will end up exactly as God intends if you stay in step with His leading. Also, the system is generally in place for the children… it might irritate you, invade your privacy, take longer than you think it should, but just remember the paperwork/invasions of privacy/lengthy waits… are in place to make sure that the outcome is best for the child.”

What if God closes the door on adoption?

This is hard, and I surely don’t want to give a flippant answer.

Every adoption story I’ve ever heard has it’s share of bumps in the road, some bigger than others: social workers being ill; lost paperwork; sudden changes in laws of the country they were adopting from. Things that range from little inconveniences to disrupted adoptions. Most adoptive parents agree that not everyone is called to adopt — but if you have felt that calling, then God has probably not closed the door. Perhaps He is sending you in an unexpected direction.

Remember, God’s timing is seldom our own, and sometimes His picture of things is different than ours. But I can promise you that His plans are far better (but perhaps much harder!) than anything you could dream.

One mom said, “Perhaps the journey is not going to look exactly like you thought it was going to look, but just allow God to direct you and He will see you through. We thought we were going to adopt a baby girl from China, and ended up adopting a boy with special needs from the foster system. God didn’t close the door; He simply redirected us to His perfect plan for our family.”

Tomorrow, please come back as we wrap this series up.

New to this series? Here’s what you’ve missed:
1 – 10 Days of Adoption: Introduction
2 – Why is Adoption So Important?
3 – If We Want to Adopt, Where Do We Begin?
4 – Common Types of Adoption
5 – Greatest Misconceptions About Adoption
6 – Can We Afford to Adopt?
7 – Special Needs Adoption: Could I Handle It?
8 – One Big Happy Family: Bonding in Adoption

………………………………………iHomeschool Network is the collaboration of brains behind this 10 Days Series of posts! Find iHomeschool Network on Facebook or Twitter, and visit all the 10 Days posts by simply clicking the collage of lovely faces below:

(Note: post may contain affiliate links. See disclosure page for details.)

Filed Under: adoption Tagged With: 10 Days of Adoption, foster care, international adoption, older-child adoption

One Big Happy Family? Bonding in Adoption

on April 25, 2012

In many families, like ours, there were already children in the home when a new adopted child joined the family. Questions I’m often asked about this include:

How do we handle the blending with children already in the home?
Are there jealousy issues?
What about birth order?
What do the kids (if not infants) call you when they first come home?
How hard is it to bond with the adopted child?
How do you protect the children already in the home?

What everyone really wants to know is this:
Does a family like ours ever really feel like one big happy family?

10 Days of Adoption at See Jamie Blog I ask you to bear with me today, as this is the longest post in this series. There is just SO MUCH to cover here. In fact, I could do a whole series on this topic, and depending on the types of questions/input I get on this post, I may do that.

I’m approaching these questions from the angle of the parents because as parents, you are the ones making the decision to adopt, and you’re the ones who will be responsible for parenting. However, as I’ve said before, if there are already older children in the home, I’d encourage you to involve them in the adoption process as much as possible.

This post spoke volumes to me, so I’m sharing an excerpt:

“Adoption has given us love. A new person to be loved by. A new person to love. But sometimes – some weeks, a lot of times – we love only because Jesus tells us to…

And this is family isn’t it? Commitment that isn’t circumstantial, whose roots wriggle way down to stretch deeper than feeling, relationship with a memory longer than the present moment.” - Shaun Groves

I don’t candy-coat adoption because I believe that does a disservice to everyone involved. If families enter into adoption with realistic expectations — no rose-colored glasses — there is a much better chance for parents and children to thrive. Of course, EVERY SITUATION IS UNIQUE. This is why I’m sharing thoughts from so many other parents.

First, my own experience.

broken heart healed
The love has not been hard; that was a decision. We loved Lindsey from day one, and that has grown as we’ve shared experiences and gotten to know each other better. I expect it to continue to grow throughout our lives. But the trust has been hard: earning hers and teaching her that she must behave in a trustworthy manner — no lying, no hiding things — in order to have the privileges she wants. She tends to tell us what she thinks we want to hear, which doesn’t ever really get to the heart of things. Some days it feels like we take several steps backwards, but other days we finally make it a few steps forward. We’ll get there, but it’s a process.

Any difficulties between our girls have mostly come from Lindsey learning to be a big sister, rather than the one “in charge” as she was with practically raising her little brother (who was adopted separately), and in Kathryn learning that Lindsey wouldn’t want to spend every moment with her. Really, it’s all been very normal sibling rivalry stuff, except that it happened rather suddenly — and now we’re working through it and things are going well. Lindsey and Kathryn still get on each other’s nerves sometimes but they’ve learned to enjoy each other’s company, and I expect that to grow as they grow older.

One point I think is HUGE: if your children are old enough to understand what’s going on, involve them in the adoption process as much as possible! I believe our open communication about this is one of the reasons Kathryn has done SO WELL with all the adjustments that came in adopting Lindsey.

We adopted out of birth order, and we’re often asked about that. I believe that really wasn’t an issue. Bringing differing personalities together had it’s challenges, but that would’ve been the case even if we’d kept things in “normal” birth order. We try to keep an open (and private from each other, if necessary) dialogue with both girls about how things are going so we can address any problems that come up, but again, I don’t think adopting out of birth order has been as issue for us at all.

Another frequent question: When Lindsey asked what to call us, we told her we hoped someday she’d call us Mama and Dad, but she could call us whatever she felt comfortable with. We felt the relationship was far more important than our title. Around the time of her adoption, she made the decision to switch from “Jamie and Ken” to “Mama and Daddy.”

………………………

Enough about us for now; let’s move on to thoughts from other adoptive parents shared thoughts on how hard or easy it was to bond with their children:

“All 3 of my adopted kiddos began calling me mommy on the day they moved in. I realize that to some of them that is more of a title pertaining to my place in the family and less of a term of endearment, but it still helped me to feel bonded to the child. We never pushed affection on the kids, just offered it and bonding happened naturally. I feel that we have a very strong bond together and that the kids have strong bonds amongst themselves. Our only birth child was thrilled when he got his first sibling… They are still the closest out of all four kids even though they have the largest age gap. He was very happy to add sister number two as well. After her first weekend visit with us he cried when we had to take her back because he missed her. Then when we finally got him a little brother he was over the moon. His little brother wants to be just like him and thinks that being a brother is the best thing ever. It makes me happy that my kids are so very close. I think it helps that they are all so close in age. (6, 7, 7, 8)”

………………………

“Some days it’s hard and some days it’s easy. I find that spending one on one time is a great way to help with bonding, as well as family activities and meals. Starting new traditions and keeping old ones. Of course, there will be bad days. Nothing worth having comes without some sacrifice. My older [biological] sons found it hard dealing with our new daughter when she was disrespectful to “their” mom, but my daughter that is closer in age has bonded with her sister very well. There are days I have to separate them because they are arguing and days when they are enjoying their sister bond so much, I can’t get them to stop distracting one another from school work. It takes time. Our daughter has seen a therapist on and off since she came to us and that has helped a lot. Our oldest son just got married last weekend and I think it speaks volumes when I tell you that both of his sisters were asked to stand up at his wedding; there was never the slightest hesitation.”

………………………

“We were the fifth home they’d lived in, at two and three years old. Bonding took time, and we are still working on building trust with both of them. I credit seeing a marriage and family therapist who specializes in traumatized children for helping us bond with both girls. Our youngest just started lighting up when I come to pick her up from her preschool. What a blessing to see she is attached and happy to see me! Our older daughter is attached, but still struggles with trusting us to take care of her, and is still fearful of being hurt or rejected. Our biological son was part of the process of adopting the girls. He had the last say on if we were going to have them join our family or not. He has been an amazing big brother, and treats them with lovingkindness even when they aren’t so kind to him. He loves them very much and I really admire how he’s given up time with me, being the center of attention, and so many other things for his sisters.”

………………………“Bonding was very different with each of our girls, more because of their personalities and unique past experiences. Our first daughter is a very ‘in the now’ person, and she deals with things and moves on very quickly. The other is very sensitive and hangs onto things. She also is still in touch with her birth mother and half sister who are still in Ukraine, so her particular circumstances have made bonding more complex. The girls were best friends in Ukraine (at the orphanage), were separated for 2.5 years, and then became sisters; that shifting relationship was unique and challenging. Both girls had expectations that their relationship as sisters would be the same as when they were in the orphanage, but as they aged and adapted to a new culture at different times/rates, there certainly were bumps in that road. There are times when both girls have had second thoughts, but God put us all together for His reasons. And He is working it all out with love!”

………………………

“I had no trouble bonding with my daughter. I had waiting my entire life for her and the love was instant and intense. I had a harder time bonding with my son though. I’m not sure if it was because his case was so unsure in the beginning or if it’s natural to be scared about adding a second child. I felt like I had everything I ever dreamed of with Josie and didn’t know if I had love for another. It took a couple of months for me to start seeing Gabriel as my baby, but once I did, I loved him with everything. I can’t imagine a greater love than I have for these two!”

………………………

“Bonding was and is hard. I had always heard people say ‘you’ll love them just like your own biological kids.’ But I didn’t. I prayed and pleaded with God to help me adore them. It seemed like it would never come. It is very hard to bond to a child who is so full of rage for what you represent: a woman who neglected them then left them. They pushed me away with all of their might. But it is through this that I learned a deeper love. A love Paul talks about in 1 Corinthians. A love that isn’t romantic at all. A love that says ‘you can tear my house apart, call me every name in your 4-year-old dictionary, and hate me with every fiber of your soul — and I WILL NOT LEAVE YOU!‘ At times it has been very very hard on our bio daughter, and we have had to get very creative to make sure everyone feels cherished and important.”

………………………

“We do not have any biological children, but bonding was different for each of our girls. [One adopted as an infant; the 2nd daughter adopted as a teen.] The bonding between two sisters was not difficult, but it was still difficult for our teen to be accountable to a “little sister” and know that her words and actions are being heard and repeated. Bonding with our teen is an ongoing process, so many times she has had to shut herself off when she moved from family to family to limit the hurt, so it is easy for her to shut people out. I had a mentoring relationship with her when we first met and changing into the ‘mom’ role was not easy for either of us at first. She is more open to sharing and bonding when shopping or listening to music/doing art, so I try to plan these activities and just let the Lord take over! I think sometimes a child will push you away to ‘test’ you to see if you will love them at their worst and know that you will stay or not send them away.”

………………………

“Building attachment with older adoptive children requires extra time and consistency. With the sibling group we’re [in process of] adopting, we had to make sure to give extra attention to our other adopted children. This is especially important during the time of transition especially when they first moved into our home. It’s easy for jealousy to form on both sides for new siblings. Ideally you teach them how to interact and enjoy each other’s company and always let them know that mom and dad have enough love to give everyone.”

………………………

While we’re on this topic, we have to address Reactive Attachment Disorder. This is a big issue. I recently read a great post explaining more about this from a mom living in the trenches: “What is Attachment Disorder?”

Recently, I’ve found a new blogland friend: Jen has one biological child, and has adopted a sibling group of three from Africa, and a sibling group of six from foster care. It goes without saying that she knows a thing or two about bonding with children who have come from difficult situations, and she has become active in speaking to groups about helping families work through Reactive Attachment Disorder and other attachment difficulties. I asked her to share a bit of advice, and I was greatly blessed by what she had to say:

Children from hard places who have experienced trauma (and I would argue that losing your birth family is always traumatic) are going to have “attachment issues.” Their trust has been broken by the very people who were supposed to be the most trustworthy. Your words mean nothing to them. They have no reason to trust what you say and they have every reason to doubt. They have been hurt, they have had to learn to protect themselves, they lack the ability to empathize, and they are scared to death, they are master manipulators and they want to be in control. WARNING: Their behavior is going to reflect this. And it is going to make you feel crazy. And parenting them is hard – CRAZY HARD.

Even if you “fell in love” with their referral pictures, chances are that once you enter this crazy hard world of loving a child with attachment issues, you are not going to FEEL like you love them. No, it does not FEEL the same as parenting a healthy attached child. Not the PC thing to say, but true. It’s hard to feel love for a child who tries to sabotage you at every turn.

But, you see, you DO love them: You love them by doing the loving thing over and over and over. You love them by parenting them in the way they need to be parented – with high nurture and high structure (despite how you parented your other kids or how your church friends parent). You love them by holding them when they are raging and telling them that you aren’t going anywhere. You love them by praying for them and fighting the spiritual battle on their behalf. You love them by not being easily offended. You love them by not being easily manipulated. You love them by not giving up, by not confirming their suspicions that you are just like all of the others who abandoned them and broke their trust. You love them by laying down your life, picking up your cross, and dying to yourself over and over and over.

Yes, you love them. . . and by the grace of God, someday, yes someday, you will wake up and realize that they believe you and they trust you and both of you FEEL, truly feel that phileo (friendship) love that you have both been longing for.

–> The subject of bonding in adopted families is entirely too deep to cover in depth in any one post, but I hope I’ve painted a realistic yet hopeful picture of how bonding happens in families with adopted children. Please feel free to join the conversation on my facebook page, or follow along with new posts posts via email.

New to this series? Here’s what you missed so far:
1 – 10 Days of Adoption: Introduction
2 – Why is Adoption So Important?
3 – If We Want to Adopt, Where Do We Begin?
4 – Common Types of Adoption
5 – Greatest Misconceptions About Adoption
6 – Can We Afford to Adopt?
7 – Special Needs Adoption: Could I Handle It?

(Note: post may contain affiliate links. See disclosure page for details.)

Filed Under: adoption Tagged With: 10 Days of Adoption, foster care, international adoption, older-child adoption, parenting

Can We Afford to Adopt?

on April 23, 2012

10 Days of Adoption at See Jamie Blog

I’ve heard it said that if we had to wait until we could afford to have children, we would never have them. A quick internet search will show you that the cost of raising a child has risen 40% in the last decade, and if you want to give yourself a bit of a scare, you can even use an online calculator to figure these costs. Most of us don’t go by that, though; instead, we jump into parenthood based on love, not money, and we figure out how to pay for it all when we get there.

With adoption, though, that tends not to be the case. Adoption can be quite expensive, and can even range upwards of $40,000. That’s not pocket change we’re talking about. So if we have the heart for adoption, but not the bank account for it, what do we do?

In our case, we opted to adopt from foster care. The costs to adopt from foster are are substantially less than domestic or international adoptions, and when a child is considered “special needs,” (more on that in a minute), the state often pays or reimburses ALL FEES. Because Lindsey was 14, a less-adoptable age statistically, she was considered special needs even though she has no mental or physical special needs. The laws differ from state to state in regards to what is deemed “special needs.” Here in Georgia, the laws have changed since we adopted Lindsey, and this designation is no longer based on age; instead, a special needs child in Georgia is now any child who has been in the system for at least two years (regardless of age) or is part of a sibling group — or, of course, any child who has actual physical or mental special needs.

Even in non-special needs situations foster adoption fees are relatively low. Average costs range around $5,000 for a U.S. foster adoption. This is a far smaller fee than most other types of adoption. In some cases, families also continue to receive small monthly subsidies until the child turns 18, especially if the child has any ongoing medical needs.

A few good options to look into for funding adoptions of any kind:

sack of money State tax credits: At least a dozen states offer a tax credit of $1,000 or more. Check with your accountant or tax expert.

Federal Tax Credit: Currently (last time I checked), there is a $12,500 federal tax credit. If yours is a special needs adoption, then the entire credit applies regardless of the family’s actual expenses; if not special needs, only up to the actual amount of liability and expenses. Again, check with your tax expert — and be sure keep all adoption-related paperwork and receipts!!

You can apply for adoption aid or grants from great organizations like ShowHope (Shaohanna’s Hope), Lifesong for Orphans, and Gift of Adoption Fund. There are many other organizations like this out there, so check with adoptive families you may know to find others they may have used or heard about.

Surprisingly, some employers offer adoption benefits, from paid parental leave to cash reimbursements. It’s worth asking about!

Many churches, especially large ones, have funds set aside to help families with adoption, whether through a short-term loan, or matching grants. Check with them, too! If they don’t have a fund like this, they may know of larger churches in the area that do.

Fundraisers:

Host a car wash, yard sale, or other fund-raising event.
Send out support letters, like you might do with a mission trip.
Online networking with a PayPal account to donate to. (You don’t even need a blog for this! Use the power of facebook, twitter, etc!)
Sell t-shirts, like the ones from Simply Love!

This by no means an exhaustive list of things you could do to finance adoption. Please remember, if cost is the only thing holding you back from adoption, there are ways to fund it!

New to this series? Here’s what you missed:
1) 10 Days of Adoption: Introduction
2) Why is Adoption So Important?
3) If We Want to Adopt, Where Do We Begin?
4) Common Types of Adoption
5) Greatest Misconceptions About Adoption

………………………………………
iHomeschool Network is the collaboration of brains behind this 10 Days Series of posts! Find iHomeschool Network on Facebook or Twitter, and visit all the 10 Days posts by simply clicking the collage of lovely faces below:

(Note: post may contain affiliate links. See disclosure page for details.)

Filed Under: adoption Tagged With: 10 Days of Adoption, foster care, international adoption, older-child adoption

Greatest Misconceptions About Adoption

on April 20, 2012

Since I’m just one mom in one family, I asked for input from other adoptive parents on what kinds of misconceptions they’ve faced from the general public, but also some misconceptions that we adoptive parents had before we adopted. The parents who contributed to this post vary greatly: we have input from those who have adopted infants to those who have adopted older children/teens; from parents who have adopted locally to parents who have adopted internationally; from parents who have both biological and adopted kids, to parents who have only adopted children. In other words, I tried to cover all the bases here.

Last year I wrote a post specifically about my own expectations and misconceptions: Confessions of an Adoptive Mom, where I shared much of what I’ve discovered in my own experience.

So, let’s address some common misconceptions vs. truths…

Misconception: All the children have problems.
(Or, “I couldn’t deal with the problems.”)

TRUTH: Parenting is a challenge, period. This is true whether you gave birth to the child or not. I will venture to say that nearly every parent will, at some point before their children reach adulthood, have moments where they feel like a parenting failure. Here’s a secret: there are NO perfect parents and there are NO perfect children. Giving birth to your kids does not guarantee a problem-free parenting life.

From one mom: “One of the greatest misconceptions people have, I think, is regarding older kids in the system. I have heard over and over that, ‘I can’t adopt older children because I couldn’t handle all of their behavioral problems.‘ As I write this, I think that it isn’t a misconception that older children who have been in the system have behavioral problems, because they often do, but rather, that people think they can’t handle it… We have a daughter who has some pretty difficult issues, but we can and are handling it, because she’s ours. Biological parents love their kids who are born with special needs, or develop issues, and they do what they have to do to deal with it because they are their kids.” It’s the same for adoptive parents.

Another mom says, “You just take one day and one year at a time and find what works for you and your family. And pray, pray, pray!” This advice, my friends, applies to every child in your family, biological or adopted!

Misconception: There are no babies available for adoption.

TRUTH: A foster adoptive mom of two says she felt that if she chose to adopt, she was giving up the possibility of having a baby. However, she ended up adopting two children, both under the one year old. Not everyone wants to adopt babies, of course, but there are babies out there needing homes.

Misconception: It’s too expensive.

TRUTH: The cost of adoption is a big concern for people, but there are ways to work around this, and some adoptions don’t cost a dime! (I’ll address this next week!)

Misconception: The child was not loved by his/her birth parents.

TRUTH: In reality, especially in infant adoptions or any adoption where the birth parents chose adoption, this is not true. Birth parents who choose adoption are sacrificing in order to give the child what they believe will be a better future, but it is never easy. Even in cases where a child is forcibly removed from the home (as in most foster adoptions), the child is usually loved, but the birth parents have issues they have not been able to overcome in order to parent well (such as drug addiction, mental illness, or many other possibilities).

Misconception: I won’t be able to love an adopted child like a birth child.

TRUTH: Every adoptive parent will tell you something different about exactly how this was for them. Expect a getting-to-know-you period, no matter what the age of the child. Also keep in mind that in families with several children, even if they are all biological, the love for each child may be different: not more or less, but different based on the personalities of the parents and the children. This is the case with adopted kids, too. (I’ll have a whole post later in the series on bonding with adopted children.)

rainbows

Misconception: Adopted kids will be grateful for their “new family” and everything will be “rainbows and unicorns.”

TRUTH: We tend to underestimate the impact of the trauma and loss that kids have come through. Adopted kids, especially older ones, need time to feel safe and secure before they can begin to learn what unconditional love looks like.

One mom who adopted two teens from the Ukraine says, “People have actually walked up to my girls and said ‘Oh, aren’t you so happy and thankful to be in America now?’ and it totally invalidates [the kids'] history.”

I fell into this trap myself. I found myself shocked that Lindsey wasn’t more grateful to finally have a family and her own bedroom and all of the things we were providing. What I finally realized is that I wouldn’t be skipping around joyfully all the time either if I’d just been uprooted from EVERY thing I’d ever known: new home, new family, new city, new school. Not to mention overcoming many years’ worth of hurt.

Misconception: Love heals everything.

TRUTH: Regardless of if you adopt a baby or an older child, you will need a large support system to help raise that child. Several moms shared about disillusioned adoptive parents who thought that love would heal their child’s wounds. Love HELPS heal wounds, but sometimes professional help is needed to put that love into practice in moment-to-moment, practical ways. It is no reflection on your parenting to seek outside help to meet the needs of your child.

A few more misconceptions are answered with truth here on the AdoptUskids site: Common Myths About Adoption.

–> Have you experienced other misconceptions about adoption in your own experience? Share them in the comments!

New to this series? Here’s what you missed so far:
1 – 10 Days of Adoption: Introduction
2 – Why is Adoption So Important?
3 – If We Want to Adopt, Where Do We Begin?
4 – Common Types of Adoption

**Please come back next week, when I’ll be addressing more adoption-related topics!

(It’s gonna take me a long time to read all the fabulous posts from all those fabulous gals above, but I know it’ll be worth my while!)

(Note: post may contain affiliate links. See disclosure page for details.)

Filed Under: adoption Tagged With: 10 Days of Adoption, foster care, international adoption, older-child adoption

Common Types of Adoption

on April 19, 2012

Adoption can take many different forms, but we’ll cover the basics today. I don’t have all the answers, of course, but I hope to give you a good overview so that you have enough information to pursue additional answers you may need.

– Kinship Adoption: When birth parents are unable to care for a child, for whatever reason, a relative may step forward to adopt; in these cases, the adoptive parents must still meet certain requirements to ensure the child will be well cared-for, but they are usually given preference over non-relatives. I know a few families who have done this, but it’s usually something that comes up somewhat unexpectedly, rather than the family making a decision to pursue adoption beforehand. Step-parent adoptions are also relatively common.

If you’re considering adoption, it will likely be one of the following types:

Domestic Adoption: This means adopting a child within your own country. Usually (at least here in the U.S.), the children are infants; sometimes the adoptive parents are even able to be present at the child’s birth and take the child home with them from the hospital. Laws and specifics vary from state to state.

Open adoptions are more common now than they used to be. Although the thought of an open adoption scares some people, it’s important to remember that once the adoption is finalized, the birth parents cannot change their minds and take the child back. The adoptive parents are now the legal parents of the child.

Open adoptions can be very open, including spending time with the birth parents fairly often; or they may be rather limited, simply sending photos and letters/emails every so often. I have several friends who have open adoptions, and they are blessed by the relationship with their child’s birth family.

Wait time varies greatly. Some adoptive parents wait years before adopting domestically, but for some it’s a whirlwind experience.

Costs vary depending on circumstances, and whether it is a private adoption (adoptions which do not use an adoption agency) or adoption through an agency, but usually range between $14,000 to $30,000 or more.

– International Adoption: These adoptions involve children who were born in a country other than that of the adoptive parents. These adoptions involve the normal state and federal laws that apply to all domestic adoptions, but are also subject to laws from the country of the child’s origin.

Laws and requirements vary greatly from country to country. For instance, because we have a divorce history, we cannot adopt from Uganda. Some countries are strict about the ages of the adoptive parents, some adopt to single parents and some do not, many have length-of-marriage requirements. In nearly every country, one or both parents must travel to the country of origin, usually at least two times. Some countries have rather long waiting periods. Do your research.

Children in international adoptions may be of any age, and may or may not have special needs. This also varies greatly from country to country.

Costs for international adoption vary, but most run between $18,000 to $40,000, including agency fees, legal fees, and travel expenses.

– Foster Adoption: More than 100,000 children in the U.S. are currently waiting to be adopted. In many foster adoptions, the family has already been fostering the child, and if reunification with birth parents does not happen, the foster family is given the option to adopt. If they do not choose to do so, a waiting adoptive family is sought. In these situations, the birth parents’ rights have already been terminated, which means the child is legally free for adoption and is placed with a family specifically interested in adopting the child. Parents who adopt through foster care (like us) do not need to be foster parents first.

Children adopted from foster care may be of any age, but most waiting children are between the ages of 8 to 15.

Fees for foster adoption vary up to about $9,000, but some foster adoptions cost the family nothing at all, due to reimbursements from the state.

New to this series? Here’s what you missed:
1) 10 Days of Adoption: Introduction
2) Why is Adoption So Important?
3) If We Want to Adopt, Where Do We Begin?

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iHomeschool Network is the collaboration of brains behind this 10 Days Series of posts! Find iHomeschool Network on Facebook, and visit all the 10 Days posts by simply clicking the collage of lovely faces below:

–> Please come back tomorrow, when I’ll tackle some of the greatest misconceptions about adoption!

(Note: post may contain affiliate links. See disclosure page for details.)

Filed Under: adoption Tagged With: 10 Days of Adoption, foster care, international adoption, older-child adoption

Adoption Story: For Ever, For Always

on May 31, 2011

(A big thank you to Jen for today’s guest post! This is the condensed version of her family’s adoption journey of six children! Visit Jen’s blog for more detailed versions of their stories: For Ever, For Always, No Matter What.)

Our story begins like so many others. We met, fell in love, married. Then we assumed we would start a family and live happily ever after. It was the starting a family part that proved to be a bump in the road.

After struggling with infertility, our thoughts suddenly turned to adoption. One night as I was reading our local paper I came across a small ad for an adoption seminar that was going to be held in our area. My husband and I had not discussed adoption at all at that point, but for some reason my attention was like a laser to that ad. I tentatively asked my husband if he was interested in attending. I knew right away if we went to this meeting it was going to be something I wanted to pursue. I didn’t want to go, be encouraged and excited, only to have him say that he wasn’t ready to pursue this avenue. Thankfully, he was on board right from the get go.

For a variety of reasons we felt God was calling us to pursue the International Adoption route, specifically to Russia. We went to that initial seminar in February of 2001, our son Jacob was home, finally making us a mom and dad, in September 2001.

As we like to say, Jacob “started it all.” We started the Russian process again and Jonah followed in early 2004.

Sarah joined our family from South Korea in the summer of 2005 (her adoption took only four months!), and Leah, also from South Korea, made us a family of six in 2006. For a while we thought our family was complete. We were busy raising four children five and under. We enjoyed it, but we were busy! Our family was complete for a while anyway.

We started feeling God tug on us again in March of 2009. This time we adopted two children from an island in the Caribbean called St. Vincent and the Grenadines. Anna was five years old and Levi was two, when they joined our family in December of 2009.

I know often the fear of adoption is that it is a second best choice to having a biological child. Like any other family we have our ups and downs, our disappointments and successes. But biology or not we are a family. Our unofficial family motto is one borrowed from Toy Story 3 “we never leave a toy behind”.

I’m sure it’s the Grace of God, but I have never wished I would have experienced pregnancy, I don’t wonder what my biological children might have looked like or how they might have behaved. I truly know that the children God has placed in our home through adoption, are the children that we were always meant to have.

Parenting is tough. Parenting adopted children can sometimes have an added layer of issues, however, even on the most challenging days we wouldn’t trade it for a moment.

Once upon a time I thought I might never hear another person call me “mom.” But, through the amazing gift of adoption, I have the profound pleasure of hearing that word – pretty much on a minute by minute basis!

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Do you have a positive adoption story of your own to share? If so, contact me!

Filed Under: adoption Tagged With: adoption stories, international adoption

Adoption Story by Eric

on May 3, 2011

(Thank you, Eric, for giving us this glimpse into your heart and your life.)

It started in a parking lot. One January day in 1997, I met the most beautiful woman and handsome two year old boy that God had destined to be my wife and child. Both Dawn and I knew within a few short dates that we would marry (me – I knew after our first date). As our courtship progressed we talked of many things new couples discuss – dreams, goals, past histories, future visions. Included in these talks of future was a little angel of a boy who had many special needs. So in addition to leaving the single life and jumping into instant family, I also was thrust into the special needs world due to a rare syndrome that Gavin was diagnosed with as a toddler.

As Dawn and I would talk of our dreams of a future as family we both always talked of another child. A child we both felt deep within that God had just waiting to come to us, as a gift for us to raise and care for, a sibling for Gavin to shower his special, unconditional love and hugs on. But we had doubts. We were unsure. We had a child with special needs that already was demanding of so much time and attention. Would we be able to offer enough love to go around? So we did what any right thinking person would do. We prayed. And prayed. And tried. And tried.

But it appeared not to be God’s will. Time and money spent on doctors trying to understand why we were unable to bring a child into this world with no definitive answer. We began to, sadly, accept the decision that seemed to have been made.

Things changed. After we had been married about five years we both, independent of one another, started contemplating adoption. Though as we talked about it we realized that on my teaching salary and Dawn’s part-time zookeeper pay, it didn’t look financially possible so we felt that that door was closed before we even approached. But God had other things in mind.

In the summer of 2004 we were invited to dinner with my father and some dear friends who were neighbors of ours when we lived in New Hampshire. During dinner the subject of adoption came up once again. These neighbors of ours had a daughter that they had adopted from Korea back in the mid-sixties so we talked the whole evening through about the process that they went through, the agency they used, and many of the challenges they faces throughout the years. A door seemed to be cracking open.

Excited, we went home that night, fired up the computer and requested an information packet and application. But once again, we felt as though the time wasn’t right when the next day we received a phone call from Holt saying that they were backlogged with the printer and would not be able to send us any information for at least four to five months. As usual, God works in wondrous ways to let us know that we are heading in the right direction.

Two days later, much to our surprise, there arrived in the mail a large packet from the agency with all the information we requested. We pored over glossy pictures of infants, toddlers, children, and teens that had been recently placed in forever homes here in the states from countries all over the world. We studied the process. We looked at the cost breakdowns (and almost fainted dead away). And again that night, we prayed for guidance. Was this the direction to go? Would this benefit a child, Gavin, us, and most of all further God’s kingdom?

We believed that, yes, this was the way to go. Even Gavin, as non-verbal as he was at the time, seemed to understand what was going on. So we began the process, all the time wondering how we would ever pay for it. And that, my friends, turned out to be the most needless worry throughout this adventure to bring our daughter home. It was by grace that we were able to financially cover these expenses. It always seemed that at whenever we needed to pay for something, the money always seemed to just show up. And, it didn’t just show up; it was almost always neither more nor less than we needed at that point.

We were approved and placed on the waiting list in early/mid 2005 at which point we were feeling very confident that we were following the right path. But oh the waiting.

We did our best (some days better than others) of waiting with patience and not with envy or jealously knowing, but feeling uncertain at times, that when the perfect child arrived for us God would have all things work out.

We were sitting in a doctor’s office when our caseworker called. We had a baby girl. There was a two month old girl in foster care in Korea that was going to come home to us as her forever family. Her Korean name was Min Hee which, as we understand, translates Glitter from Heaven.

But there was now more waiting. We had to wait on three phone calls:

immigration here in the U.S. to let us know that paperwork was approved on this end
emigration in Korea letting us know all was good from that end
Most important: letting us know when she would be escorted home

We received one of the phone calls in mid-march and then settled in to wait for the next call. In the meantime, preparations were being made to bring a baby into the house. In April, Dawn’s sister and friends held a baby shower for her and, as providence would have it, the timing couldn’t have been better. You see, the second phone call never came.

The Thursday morning following Dawn’s shower I was standing in front of my class of second-graders talking about alliteration when my phone rang. It was Dawn, calling at a very odd time. My first thought was what happened to who and where! I picked up the phone and she was crying trying to tell me something and after a few minutes I figured it out: our daughter was coming home to us on the following Tuesday! Yup, four days notice. And we had nothing in the house. All the presents from the shower, the crib, and various other items were at my mother in law’s house and we didn’t even have a dresser/changing table at that point. Needless to say, it was a very busy weekend getting things ready.

The following Tuesday, in May of 2006, Dawn, Gavin, and I, along with a grandmother, a grandfather, an Uncle and an Aunt all trooped down to Los Angeles International Airport to await the arrival of one Linnae Min Hee. After arriving at the airport and finding the correct area (after three tries) we waited this final half hour with stomachs churning and tears and laughter flowing.

As we stood at the bottom of the escalator a flight attendant appeared at the top and saw our entourage, smiled, and said “We have babies!” (there was another family that was meeting their son at the same time).

As the escorts came down the escalator my thought was that the 18-month pregnancy was over and the delivery was happening now in the midst of the hustle and bustle of and international airport. Dawn cried, I cried, as the escort placed this beautiful child in our arms, who looked up at us both and smiled the most gorgeous five month old smile I’d ever seen.

It was that moment, as surreal in so many ways as it was, that I saw the door we knocked on open wide, and such glory and beauty surround us and bind us together with this tiny, beautiful life.

The six years that have passed since that wonderful day have been some of the most precious in my life. I am enjoying watching the love and bond between mother and daughter; and the friendship, love, and caring shown in her relationship with her big brother — who, in spite of antagonizing her any chance he gets, adores his sister.

I am enjoying seeing this daughter of mine look to me as I, in the midst of my failings and shortcoming, lead her and teach her to be a child of God and to revel and be joyous in His grace.

___________________________________________

Do you have a positive adoption story of your own to share? If so, contact me!

Filed Under: adoption Tagged With: adoption stories, international adoption

Adoption Story by Sarah Thacker

on September 1, 2010

(Thank you to Sarah for today’s guest post!)

My husband and I are the proud parents of five children. Two of our kids are adopted and we have three biological children. A year and a half ago we adopted our son from the US foster system at age seven. This past February, our son Reese, age two at the time, joined our family from Haiti. This is the story that I want to share with you today.

After the earthquake, things were very touch and go trying to bring Reese home. When things were looking like they were going to happen, I volunteered to go to Haiti and help escort Reese and five other Haitian boys to their adoptive families. I flew from Minnesota to Florida. On Friday morning I rode on a jump seat of a cargo plane to Haiti. I wasn’t sure of the logistics of when I was going to meet Reese.

I walked into the airport and I’ll never forget the moment I laid eyes on my son. He was tucked up close to his caregiver from the orphanage. He was sucking on his thumb and had big brown eyes that looked kind of scared and sad. I had learned that he was pretty shy, so I approached him quietly and said “Hi.” He quietly waved with the fingers that weren’t in his mouth.

We spent the night in Port au Prince and Saturday morning the cab dropped us off at the airport. It was two other female escorts, the six boys, and me. The US Embassy was supposed to meet us there with the kids’ official paperwork and they ended up being an hour and a half late. We were told to wait outside the airport for them. Right after the taxi dropped us off, we were surrounded by a group of angry men. They started yelling at us that we were stealing Haiti’s children. We tried to reason with them. We tried to get away from them, but they were blocking us with their bodies. I started yelling for someone to help us and everyone just ignored us. I have never been so scared in my life.

Finally, the police arrived on the scene. I thought to myself, “Good. They will straighten this all out.” WRONG. They took all of us into police custody. We were sitting in the police station. The police wouldn’t speak to us, pretending that they didn’t speak English, while talking about us in Kreyol.

I was so scared. I was shaking and having a hard time getting a deep breath. I felt paralyzed. Three things comforted me during this time:

The name of Jesus…I really didn’t have any words to say. I just knew that I wanted Jesus, which I just kept saying over and over again Philippians 2:-9-11 says that at the name of JESUS every knee will bow.
Knowing that the Spirit would intercede on my behalf: I was so scared and I had so much to pray, but I wasn’t really thinking clearly! I really didn’t even know what to pray. Romans 8:26 came to mind and I knew that the Holy Spirit will intercede for me when I didn’t know what to pray.
Worship: I knew I wanted to enter his gates with thanksgiving and prayer. I wanted to be like Paul in the Bible in jail. I didn’t want to be afraid. I really couldn’t think of any of the contemporary Christian worship music that I love so much. In that time of need and confusion, I went straight to the songs of my childhood, so I sang “Jesus Loves Me“, “Amazing Grace“, and “Jesus, Name Above All Names” in the children’s ears.

The US Embassy arrived and we spent nine hours trying to sort things out. We were told that the children would have to stay in the custody of Haitian Social Services. We went in police holding trucks to the Haitian Social Services orphanage, which was a tent camp. They had no food, no milk, no diapers, no beds, and only older kids there. They didn’t ask the children’s names. We told the workers the kids hadn’t had a meal since breakfast and we wanted them fed. Finally after our persistence, they got out a box of cornflakes.

The whole day, I thought we would go to the airport. Then I thought we might have to stay another night in Haiti. Never did I entertain the thought that I was going to have to leave my new baby/son on the ground of a tent camp 36 hours after I had gotten him.

We begged and pleaded to stay there. We’d sleep on the ground. We wouldn’t get in their way. Could just one of us stay there? No. We were escorted away while six kids were terrified and screaming.

That night the verses that gave me comfort were: Matthew 10:30, “And even the very hairs on your head are numbered,” and “He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out.” John 10:3b (NIV)

The song that played repeatedly in my head was, “He knows my name. He knows my every thought. He sees each tear that falls, and hears me when I pray.” I knew that He knew Reese’s name.

The next three days were the LONGEST of my life. We had no control over the situation while the two governments duked it out. Our story was on CNN three nights in a row and it got a ton of media attention. I believe that it was part of the reason that our situation was resolved relatively quickly.

Tuesday we got a call that the kids were finally in the custody of the US Embassy. We went to the Embassy to meet the kids. It was so wonderful to have my baby back in my arms. We are stuck together like glue now. He is doing so well.

From all the media and internet attention we know that thousands of people were praying for Reese’s and the other children’s safe arrival to the United States. I am so thankful for the power of prayer.

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(Wow! Thanks to Sarah — who is also an adoption coach — for sharing her family’s dramatic adoption story! Do YOU have a positive adoption story of your own to share? If so, contact me!)

(Note: post may contain affiliate links. See disclosure page for details.)

Filed Under: adoption Tagged With: adoption stories, international adoption