Since I’m just one mom in one family, I asked for input from other adoptive parents on what kinds of misconceptions they’ve faced from the general public, but also some misconceptions that we adoptive parents had before we adopted. The parents who contributed to this post vary greatly: we have input from those who have adopted infants to those who have adopted older children/teens; from parents who have adopted locally to parents who have adopted internationally; from parents who have both biological and adopted kids, to parents who have only adopted children. In other words, I tried to cover all the bases here. 😉
Last year I wrote a post specifically about my own expectations and misconceptions: Confessions of an Adoptive Mom, where I shared much of what I’ve discovered in my own experience.
So, let’s address some common misconceptions vs. truths…
Misconception: All the children have problems.
(Or, “I couldn’t deal with the problems.”)
TRUTH: Parenting is a challenge, period. This is true whether you gave birth to the child or not. I will venture to say that nearly every parent will, at some point before their children reach adulthood, have moments where they feel like a parenting failure. Here’s a secret: there are NO perfect parents and there are NO perfect children. Giving birth to your kids does not guarantee a problem-free parenting life.
From one mom: “One of the greatest misconceptions people have, I think, is regarding older kids in the system. I have heard over and over that, ‘I can’t adopt older children because I couldn’t handle all of their behavioral problems.‘ As I write this, I think that it isn’t a misconception that older children who have been in the system have behavioral problems, because they often do, but rather, that people think they can’t handle it… We have a daughter who has some pretty difficult issues, but we can and are handling it, because she’s ours. Biological parents love their kids who are born with special needs, or develop issues, and they do what they have to do to deal with it because they are their kids.” It’s the same for adoptive parents.
Another mom says, “You just take one day and one year at a time and find what works for you and your family. And pray, pray, pray!” This advice, my friends, applies to every child in your family, biological or adopted!
Misconception: There are no babies available for adoption.
TRUTH: A foster adoptive mom of two says she felt that if she chose to adopt, she was giving up the possibility of having a baby. However, she ended up adopting two children, both under the one year old. Not everyone wants to adopt babies, of course, but there are babies out there needing homes.
Misconception: It’s too expensive.
TRUTH: The cost of adoption is a big concern for people, but there are ways to work around this, and some adoptions don’t cost a dime! (I’ll address this next week!)
Misconception: The child was not loved by his/her birth parents.
TRUTH: In reality, especially in infant adoptions or any adoption where the birth parents chose adoption, this is not true. Birth parents who choose adoption are sacrificing in order to give the child what they believe will be a better future, but it is never easy. Even in cases where a child is forcibly removed from the home (as in most foster adoptions), the child is usually loved, but the birth parents have issues they have not been able to overcome in order to parent well (such as drug addiction, mental illness, or many other possibilities).
Misconception: I won’t be able to love an adopted child like a birth child.
TRUTH: Every adoptive parent will tell you something different about exactly how this was for them. Expect a getting-to-know-you period, no matter what the age of the child. Also keep in mind that in families with several children, even if they are all biological, the love for each child may be different: not more or less, but different based on the personalities of the parents and the children. This is the case with adopted kids, too. (I’ll have a whole post later in the series on bonding with adopted children.)
Misconception: Adopted kids will be grateful for their “new family” and everything will be “rainbows and unicorns.”
TRUTH: We tend to underestimate the impact of the trauma and loss that kids have come through. Adopted kids, especially older ones, need time to feel safe and secure before they can begin to learn what unconditional love looks like.
One mom who adopted two teens from the Ukraine says, “People have actually walked up to my girls and said ‘Oh, aren’t you so happy and thankful to be in America now?’ and it totally invalidates [the kids’] history.”
I fell into this trap myself. I found myself shocked that Lindsey wasn’t more grateful to finally have a family and her own bedroom and all of the things we were providing. What I finally realized is that I wouldn’t be skipping around joyfully all the time either if I’d just been uprooted from EVERY thing I’d ever known: new home, new family, new city, new school. Not to mention overcoming many years’ worth of hurt.
Misconception: Love heals everything.
TRUTH: Regardless of if you adopt a baby or an older child, you will need a large support system to help raise that child. Several moms shared about disillusioned adoptive parents who thought that love would heal their child’s wounds. Love HELPS heal wounds, but sometimes professional help is needed to put that love into practice in moment-to-moment, practical ways. It is no reflection on your parenting to seek outside help to meet the needs of your child.
A few more misconceptions are answered with truth here on the AdoptUskids site: Common Myths About Adoption.
–> Have you experienced other misconceptions about adoption in your own experience? Share them in the comments!
New to this series? Here’s what you missed so far:
1 – 10 Days of Adoption: Introduction
2 – Why is Adoption So Important?
3 – If We Want to Adopt, Where Do We Begin?
4 – Common Types of Adoption
**Please come back next week, when I’ll be addressing more adoption-related topics!
(It’s gonna take me a long time to read all the fabulous posts from all those fabulous gals above, but I know it’ll be worth my while!)
I’m a big fan of authentic conversation and always appreciate hearing what you have to say. Thanks for reading.
25 responses to “Greatest Misconceptions About Adoption”
Thank you for answering these “myths” with your and others’ experiences! We have not adopted, but I have always wanted to. My husband is not in the same place right now, but maybe someday. 🙂 What a beautiful thing to create a family in this way!
Thanks for this post. Our journey from fostering to adopting our son has been so wonderful and yet so painful at the same time. We have literally lost friends due to our decision to love and adopt a child that has “issues”. Amazingly enough too, our son is only 22 months old. There are so many prejudiceses about foster children children that even the babies are viewed as damaged goods. Our son came to us very neglected and abused at 11 months old and some people walked away from us commenting that “they could never do what we are doing”. Aren’t we all broken? I have learned to let that go and realize what a blessing they are missing. Our son has brought us so much joy and opened our hearts bigger than we ever thought possible. We are only weeks away from adopting him now and are already looking for more children to adopt! We are hooked 🙂
We cling to this verse:
“God decided in advance to adopt us into is own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what He wanted to do and it gave Him great pleasure.” Ephesians 1:5
Jamie – this was very interesting to me.
I have a dear friend who is going through the fostering to adopt process and I’m seeing some of these myths in their situation. There are so many ups and downs for their family, but through it all the blessings shine through in a HUGE way.
I’m enjoying your series.
As a mom of 5 biological kids (no adopted), I can tell you that I get some of the same misconceptions about my own children! Especially the “I wouldn’t love them the same” misconception. “How could you possibly love that many kids?” They ask. I think that one is really funny. Like two is the maximum number of people a person can truly love!
Yes, I love all my children differently, and with varying degrees of other emotions thrown in to make it interesting. I think one of the reasons people choose to stop having kids at two is because they get that second baby and don’t have exactly the same feelings for him and false guilt creeps in. Because I have 5, I know that none of them is the same person, I don’t love them all “the same” (though I love them all HUGELY), and an adopted child would be no different! God grows our hearts to include all kinds of new ways to love. He won’t give us the kids and fail to give us the love to support them. 🙂
Thank you for this post. I would love to adopt, but my husband is just not ready to think about that now. I have had some of those misconceptions but the more I learn from adoptive families, the more I see the realities, both good and bad, of adoption. And I still have a heart to adopt!
Christine – I’ve heard the same from many women, but if that’s a desire God has placed on your heart, He’ll likely bring your husband around eventually. And until then, you can still pray for adopted kids, orphans, & adoptive families! That’s the biggest help ever! 🙂
Laura – YES! We are all broken! I’ve thought (and blogged) about that idea before. God adopted me as screwed up & broken as I was. How is it okay for me to expect perfectly unbroken children?!
And LOVE THAT VERSE.
Thanks for reading, Mary! Maybe your friend might benefit from some of these posts? Thanks for being there for your friend; I’m sure she appreciates your listening ear and prayers and love.
Cindy – THANK YOU for chiming in on this! I only had one before we adopted so I can’t say from experience how love varies from one biological child to another, but I have quite a few friends with large families, and I’ve seen and talked to them about this and they have said what you said about loving them hugely but differently. If God created us all identical, then perhaps the love ought to be the “same” but we are all so very different it just seems to make sense that love will look & feel different for each of the people we love.
As I re-read what you said about people not having more kids because they feel guilty not loving the 2nd child exactly the same as the 1st, I’m remembering my mom telling me that she didn’t really want to have any more kids after me (I’m an only child) because she loved me so much and couldn’t imagine that could be the case with another child.
Aadel – Yay for a heart for adoption. 😉 For now, you can help dispel misconceptions and raise awareness, and maybe one of these days your hubby will be on the same page. All in God’s timing!
I well remember the guilt I had with my second! Then I got over it. LOL.
That’s what I’ve been praying for. 🙂 And I forwarded your series to my aunt who is in the process of adopting two older children (5 and 7) from Bulgaria. She was thrilled to have your posts as a resource!!
Christine~ I’m in the same “adoptive boat” as you are. My husband isn’t ready. I’ve been praying for years and I’ve got friends who are praying. Some day, my family will be ready and God will make it happen! 😀
Jamie~ Thank you for sharing all of this information. It’s very encouraging! 😀
I have the desire to adopt and my husband does not, as I mentioned above. God has prompted me not to bother him about it. I’d mentioned it to him, years ago, that I would like to adopt; and I believe part of his response was fearful. He has been very kind in going to some local (Portland OR) Adoptive Family informational gatherings. I believe God is working on him, and working on me as well, and getting us both ready for this special event. 🙂
Thank you for this series! I have always had the heart, even in high school, to adopt a child. My husband and I have a (biological) four year old daughter now, but that desire has never left. (I think that is proof enough that God definitely has a child waiting for me somewhere, I just need to find him/her!) In the past we have not been financially ready for a child, but recently God has been touching my life in great ways and I got a new job that opens up the possibility of having another one. Since my daughter is already 4, I really want to adopt so they can be close in age. And what’s not to love? A beautiful child, a year or so younger than my daughter, AND no baby weight to lose????? I look forward to your upcoming posts! Thank you!!!
I have had some of those misconceptions but the more I learn from adoptive families, the more I see the realities, both good and bad, of adoption. Thanks for the great thoughts.
Jamie, this series has been such a blessing to me. I always think of the Father’s love for us…and how he adopts us… And I love it when families can dispel myths the world wants us to believe! Thank you for ‘living out loud’!
very good article! I’ve had some of the same experience as Laura – and our son was only 8 mos old when we adopted him from foster care. It is so important for us to be able to share and support & yup- I was broken and Jesus took me anyways and made me His own 🙂
I’ve enjoyed your adoption posts. So much truth, and you have said it so well. I’ve put a link to your blog on mine because you have such an excellent resource here for adoptive parents. Thank you!
Thank you for writing this. As a birth mom I’ve faced my own myths. I really appreciate the time you took to write about the fact that we birth parents do love our children beyond all measure, whether we’ve voluntarily relinquished our parental rights at birth (as in infant, domestic, adoption) or whether we’ve had them forcibly removed by the state in which we live. I enjoy reading adoptive parent writing – in fact some of my favorite blogs are written by adoptive parents. They’ve opened my eyes to see the “other side” and given me a greater appreciation for not only what parents go through in general but what people like my daughter’s parents go through as well. We have an open adoption relationship (as I believe ALL adoptions should eventually be), and the insights I’ve received from others helps me understand them better. Thank you also for bringing up that no child is born in the world with a “clean slate.” It doesn’t matter whether that child is able to stay with his biological family or whether he lives with an adoptive family. That’s one of the greatest adoption myths we ALL need to work to overcome. After all, adoption can be a blessing for the adoptive parents (and is, from reading your post and the comments), but it should be all about being a blessing for the children. (That’s one of the main things wrong with the “industry” – is the fact that it’s so adoptive parent centered – should be about the kids.)
Monika,
I totally agree that adoption should be kid-focused. Really, if you think about it, ALL parenting should be. It’s natural as parents to want to have our happy little family, but having kids is really about raising them well, rather than making us as parents happy.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and your perspective. If you’d ever like to share your adoption story here on my blog, I’d love to include it in my collection of stories. (Just email me if so.)
Blessings to you!
Jamie
Jaime,
Thanks for writing this up! We’re waiting for our referral for a toddler from Ecuador and I’m building up my support system, and learning about adoption. I look forward to more of your blogs.
Guadalupe
Good, good stuff! I just want to chime in on the “expensive” misconception. We adopted two kids from foster care (they were relatives, but by the system’s requirements, we might as well have been strangers … we’d never met them before they came into our home). Aside from the costs of adding two family members to our home, getting our home up to safety code regulations, and lots of time, the adoption itself didn’t really cost anything. The state paid our lawyer fees. The state paid for travel and brought the kids to us (we lived several states away). We did all our classes through our home county’s child services office, so we didn’t pay an agency for home visits or background checks or certification paperwork. We did pay for things like beds, clothing, toys, diapers, etc., but these are costs associated with having children … biological or adopted. We ended up fighting for and getting a monthly stipend for each of our children (we would have adopted them even if we hadn’t received this, but it does help with the costs of having two extra family members). It’s hard, and it takes time, and sometimes things don’t work out the way you want them to, but it can be done in a very cost-effective way. Adoption can be expensive, but it doesn’t have to be. Thanks for posting this Jamie!
Hi may I use some of this for my adoption page on FB? I’ll post a link
Holli,
Thanks for asking. You can certainly share a link but I’d prefer you not copy more than a few lines. Are you planning to adopt?